Why is the ow so controlling?

[princess_nic]

OT and Always ~

I'm quoting you both here b/c I think you have similar viewpoints in many ways.

When you get happy in your own shoes, their happiness won't matter a smidge to whether or not you have a great life. You'll get there soon enough.

((( Nic ))) I'm sorry that this time is so rough. I know the pain. Most all of us here do. Just focus on who you are now, hang onto that thought, of the woman you are. I tend to think that you need more out of your H than he is even giving his new gf now....and that just ain't gonna happen. You want more out of a man, and he obviously not able to step up. Time to get what you deserve. A good life.

I do know that I was unhappy with H for a long time. I was willing to work at fixing things, but he wasn't. I put up with poor treatment for a long time (my issue), and now I feel like I deserve the pay-off. Pretty silly, eh? Kind of like, "I've played the lottery for 10 years - I deserve the 50 million!" It could happen, but the chances are too slim for me to quit my job (and I don't play the lottery, btw!).

I guess I feel like he doesn't deserve to be happy b/c I was unhappy with him. I was going to say b/c he made me unhappy, but now I know better. I *thought* he did, but my reactions to his behaviour didn't help me.

I do recognize now that a lot of my despair and depression are nothing to do with him or his leaving, rather, that was a trigger that brought up my abandonment issues from childhood. Yes - it's all my parents' fault!

Seriously, though, I am stronger and healthier emotionally that I have ever been. Or should I say, I finally *realize* how strong I am. I have been able to let go of a lot of my own demons, not all, but I'm getting there. And that is a blessing.

My parents, of course, had/have their own issues. My father has never dealt with his, and is still an angry and anxious man, though mellowed over the years. My mother has just started therapy and is doing really well. They are working with the book "Boundaries," and she is finding it really helpful. I am happy for her.

My challenge now is to ensure that I continue to grow, and that my children don't go through the same stuff I did ~ although they will no doubt end up on the couch at some point, too. That's just the way it is!

Where am I going with this?

I want to say that I agree that worrying about H and his gf and their happiness is irrelevant to my own happiness. Sometimes, I feel vindictive or, like I said, as if I deserve the payoff. But what can I do? Yes, I spent 16 years with the man, but I have many more years ahead of me. I could spend 40 with someone else and have a better M than I ever imagined.

And I DBed my dad yesterday! I will post on my "real" thread...