Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Thanks you all, Update~ He just called a bit ago. He is coming/flying home tommorrow,, dunno if I am ready for it.
I have not mentioned "it" again. He did.He also tried to start w/ me. I stood up for myself gently but firmly and he backed down, I did manage to say " I had nothing to do w/ what happened yesterday and I am not asking you to fix change it or make it go away, it happened and it cant be taken back ,you brought it up. I am fine , but what was done to me by her calling was rude and I do not want to discuss it futher." Any thoughts on how to just act as if all over again? ~Ali
Well everyone~ Thank you so much for all your help today. It has made a huge difference. MY PMA is at rock bottom so I do need to work on that. I feel so blah.
H is for sure coming this weekend. When he spoke to me he said I was acting like I used to. ( he meant pre bomb but did not say it ) And it brings him down he needs for me to be Happy and Vibrant to help him feel like what he is doing is right. So I need to let go and focus on me and keep my PMA up like I had been. I think after a good nite's sleep , I can act as if tommorrow and like Jen told me just act Happy. I thought I was trying but trying always shows thru on me. I need to keep being me , being sad will not change what happened. He has to live with himself. I do not have to own this. I WILL learn how to do this. Little by little.
I love him but dont have to love his behavior. Sorry guys just rambling again, but it does help me so much. I feel like I did when we were seperated , like I am learning something new all over again. God bless....
I'm so sorry for struggle, and I'm praying for you. I really admire your strength and courage to stand for what is right. As difficult as that is, it's what we're all called to do.
I was wondering if you are positive that your H has been unfaithful again?
Also, he has a pattern of being very critical and judgmental of you. He needs to understand that he can not just slam you in the face with a baseball bat, and then just apologize and expect that everything is OK.
You are correct, he is sick. Alchoholism is a disease. Alcholics do all kinds of stupid, crazy, and hurtfull things to the people closest to them. Just think about it, your H has surrounded himself with other alchoholics, other sick people. Nothing is going to change for him unless something becomes very painful. Please check out Alanon, it's a great program and it's free, mostly. It'll help you understand, and help you cope with this disease.
God bless you Ali, you are a beautiful woman. Your H is sick and he's blind. You have given him ALL of you, but he is not able to realize the depth of your gift. You've done your part but how long should you go on giving it all, being vulnerable, yet unappreciated and the love and respect unreturned. He needs to be sober so that he can start to think clearly again.
God bless your struggle. I pray you be blessed with strength, courage, and the kind of faith that moves mountains. I pray your H gets sober, and realizes the beautiful woman that he has in you.
Stay strong and brave!
Love,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Well I duno where to begin. We have had long talks and more long talks, most initiated by me and some by hubby. He called me from Ohio before he came home and told me he loved me very much and that he would never do anything to hurt me. He said he could do many bad things but he does not. That I need to fight for this.
..."He said I need to fight for this , that I act like I do not love him. He needs me to be stronger and not let dumb stuff bother me. He needs me to keep our SL exciting and not forget that. He needs me to fight for him and help him be a better Man. He needs me to be the one to show him I love him. He has put me first for so long and proved his love he has no interest in anyone and the environment is that he can cheat but will not do so , b/c he loves me. He does not want to lose me ever he would be hurt.
.... but I will lose him if I do not fight for this. Are you taking this serious? I need you to understand that I need you to fight for this and I do not want to be rude or mean . YOU make me feel like and A@@hole for talking to you like this and I do not want to. IT is like you dont care and you just sit and dont fight for me. YOU worry about some dumb B*(&* calling and that is all you focus on. I provide everything for you. And nothing I do is ever enough for you. You arent happy and you have nothing to complain about. You need to let me know what I am doing and that it is right, support me, lift me up , inspire me ...everything I do is for you."
???? I do not understand how he really feels I do not fight for this.
Am I missing something? Anyone?
I should have been in tears of joy for him telling me certain things like he loves me , doesnt want to lose me ever etc. And I just felt hurt and offended like I am a HIGH MAINTENANACE *B* and I better put up or shut up?
He is good to me but he fails to see , I do not want things I want HIM!
He told me that day to go to the Mall and buy some New Clothes and Lingerie whatever I wanted. And to remember that I am classy to buy simple elegant things like Jackie O. I did just that. I also bought some "skinny" jeans and they surely make my butt look "illegal" bought them anyway!!!!!!!
And it was fun , but it would have been more fun had I not had a terrible few days before that. I feel like it is a bribe,, or I dunno the word for it.
He said I still do not understand him that everything he does is for me.
I go to pick him up at the Airport... ..... and he says ... "Hi sexy"
I had on some black "tuxedo" shorts and a hot pink shirt, some black patent leather kitten heels and my hair looked sexy like I had been having sex for hours! I looked great and at first I thought too sexy. Then I thought to my self SHUT UP! You look fine! I may have looked too sexy but trashy NO WAY!
,,, I still hear my MOMS voice in my head. It is not my fault God made me this way and I am sooooooooooooo damn tired of trying to cover it up b/c of my inner voice and H's insecurities. Revenge? dunno kinda I think! He said he was tired of seeing me "this" way,,, so he can see this side of me now.
I do not think he cheated COG my heart tells me it was something else,, dunno what but not UNFAITHFUL. My intuition was not going off just the signs were there.
I have talked to him a lot,,, this is the first time he has left me alone since Sunday.... he takes me everywhere. He even took the kids and I with him on Monday to work,,, he NEVER has done that. His idea not mine.
I have told him thru these past few days these things..
he started to get angry... 1. I do not like that you get so angry all the time , that needs to stop.
he mentioned when they were drinking... 2. I need for you to respect yourself enough to put us first.
he said our son hugged him and said ILY Daddy and he said it made him so Happy,,, and he was worried the kids had no concept of love and did not love him,,,, I started tearing up and my blood was also boiling 3. ( IN a teary , upset but strong vOICE:) Are you serious honey that they may not love you?
..... they adore you and half the time I say .....
....they wanna say HI you say maybe later I am too stressed.... It infuriates me that you sometimes are to exhausted to say hi to YOUR kids but you have time to be "POLITE" to whores that hang out at the crews APT! And entertain them with who you are. That is not ok and not fair. It is not a trust issue it is a matter of respect,, they get your time and energy and we are here alone and I do not like it.....
he tried to start but when I stopped and he saw my tears he stayed quiet
Why are you so angry at me... he asked ( I was being quiet cause he was being emotionally abusive....)
4. I am not angry you dont get it,, I have listened to you talk to me like this for almost ten year and I am so tired of it it does hurt you know,, as much as I try to ignore ...
he then says:
Ok fine lets end it,, if it is too much for you.
5. I never said I wanted to end it , see and you do that too put words in my mouth. I said I need you to stop talking to me that way. I love you and I always will but it does not mean I have to love the way you talk to me..
And much more... I realize maybe I am going overboard but it isnt rehearsed or anything it is just coming out. And actually there is no anger in my voice it is all strong and hurt and holding back tears.
He knows I am very serious in a way I have never been before... it is hard to explain.
I KNOW THIS IS ALL too NEW to US. We have had LOTS OF TIME TO TALK AND USUALLY HE HATES TO TALK. But we have been alone on the drive to the jobsites for one and a half hour each way for 3 days in a row. ( 9 hours of alone time, )
Thank you for your prayers COG... I have a clarity that is hard to explain. And yet at the same time I am very emotional. Like all my emotions are at the surface,, and yet I feel strong. Does that even make sense?
I know I am done walking on eggshells and also I am done pussyfooting around and yet I will still just be me,, the beautiful Woman I know I am. No holds barred.
I am not trying to "kitchen sink" him and yet he needs to hear me, he doesnt have to listen but if he does this could be just so beautiful.
Thanks for the support everyone,,, you are the best. And COG thank you for your post you make me cry tears of joy and remember just who I REALLY AM. God bless...
Just too much in my brain. This piecing stuff is complicated.
I hope it even makes sense.... I am going to catch up on your sitch. H is out on a business dinner. And I am trying to catch up. Talk to you soon sweetie. I have been thinking of you, I have been very good on my "DIET"... how have you been?
....but I have been saying a lot what is on my mind~ OOOPS! I hope that is ok cause I have been holding some of this stuff in for years. ~Ali
Just too much in my brain. This piecing stuff is complicated.
I hope it even makes sense.... I am going to catch up on your sitch. H is out on a business dinner. And I am trying to catch up. Talk to you soon sweetie. I have been thinking of you, I have been very good on my "DIET"... how have you been?
....but I have been saying a lot what is on my mind~ OOOPS! I hope that is ok cause I have been holding some of this stuff in for years. ~Ali
Wow! That was a monster post, good for you! I know I feel so much better after a journal/novel post. I get it all out and it helps me to look back, decompress some and learn any lessons to be learned.
I've actually been pretty good on the diet. No major negative cascades, so that is an improvement over my past attempts.
Take care and it's great to read of you standing up for yourself, even in the subtle ways. It all adds up to a stronger, more confident Ali.
~Ty, I know , you are sooooooo funny. Off to do more laundry. Fun, fun , fun! I feel better, I cant change him but I can change me and how I REACT! It's a start. Onward and upward... keep going , going, going. You know like the little fish in the movie " FINDING NEMO "
yeah, I do think I have officially lost my mind. I am now quoting Disney Movies. yikes~ ~Ali
I am sitting here feeling ok but somewhat overwhelmed. I dunno if I need to keep going or let up some? Just thinking out loud....
I do know that he is responding.... TO MY THOUGHTS AND HE IS ACTUALLY LISTENING.
Yet earlier this eve he said he was going to get an apt with his crew and stay with them instead of driving home everynite. When I nicely asked him to watch his tone.
?
He also said he should maybe just head to Mcdonalds for dinner cause I was taking too long.... gimme a break.
?
I was hungry too , I was with him all day at work , we had to meet several homeowners etc etc! I ingnored his comments.... and kept cooking.
This is going to be harder than I thought but ,,, I can do it!
I served him his dinner,,, and his freshly squeeezed Lemonade. ALL SMILES~ And went back into the kitchen, held back a few tears. I did not want him to see he got to me.
He then says "Honey arent you going to eat with me? " MY reply " Actually no, I wanted to but there wasnt enough time to make anything for me as I was taking so long." He did not say a word. I normally would have cried and gotten real upset but I stayed calm and said what I wanted to say.
I was about to say,,, hmmmm ...
I wonder if now at Mcdonalds they make homeade salsa, black refried beans with avocado and sour cream and Fajitas with warmed up tortillas? Oh yeah , and freshly squeezed Lemonade? Probably not but I am sure a burger tastes just the same..... BUT I DID NOT~ That would have not been so funny once I could tell he was wishing he had never said something so stupid.
I want to keep this up but I also do not want to bombard him with calling his behavior every five minutes,,, he in these past few days has been noticing my silence and my not taking on his moods. And he will then stop.
I dunno you all.....
he is still out and one of the guys that works for him arrived. Well the whole crew arrived that was with him down there. But this one gentleman in particular who I have mentioned before , who is in his late 30's and is always reading the bible and very religious told me my h was not involved w/ anyone. That my H would do no such thing.
I did not directly ask him but I did mention my crazy ex friend was telling me he was. I know he is not my friend and at the same time,, the look on his face was one of calm and not OMG she is asking me and I need to lie. He very matter of factly told me this.
I do not feel ashamed that I thought bad of him,,, I never accused him of it.
..... the way he was acting didnt add up to her leaving messages.... and I dunno what would possess her to call ME?
I HAVE THOUGHT LONG AND HARD ABOUT THIS....TOO LONG ACTUALLY. I NEED TO RETHINK THIS AND APPROACH THIS DIFFERENTLY. I NEED A NEW "GAME PLAN", I NEED I DUNNO , NEED TO SLEEP ON THIS~ I NEED TO KEEP GOING AND YET MY DIRECTION IS UNCLEAR. I WANT TO TRUST HIM AND THEN I FEEL DUMB LIKE HE IS JUST LAUGHING AT ME. MY HEART TELLS ME HE LOVES ME AND DID NOT CHEAT AND YET I REMAIN CONFUSED. TOO MUCH ANALIZING,, NEED TO REST. GOD BLESS...
