Just dropped in to catch up. Can't stop thinking about the similarities b/w your H and my H, and hope that mine comes to his senses soon! Sounds like you are doing really well!
are h and I simply "dancing"? is h following my lead while I try to follow his??? it seems at times that h is very comfortable (like sun night when he fell asleep on the couch) most of the time, but then is on edge not knowing what to do...like last night...I watched fear factor (should be re-named boobie factor...god how they make me want a boob job...mommy boobs are just not as nice...natural yeah but....well that's another issue of mine) h joined me and was grossed out with what they were doing...then I went off to the cave to read the rest of my book for book club (meeting is tommorow night) then back up to the family room where h was..h went off to the puter...and I put on csi...so h returned and watched with me...I sat on the floor in front of the fire (with a floor chair thingy) and h sat on the couch....then we watched the news...h then sat on the floor near me...eventually I got up...h seemed unsettled...asked if I was going up..."in a few" I said..and came to the puter...h went up...and here I sat for a bit..then went up...h seemed a bit uncomfortable..gave me the obligitory peck good night...thanks says I...eventually I gave him a kiss on the forehead...thank you says he...I then rolled over and he cuddled into me...seemed to calm a bit and fell asleep as did I. things have become a bit mundane. I do not know what h is feeling..thinking etc...and suppose I should not know for some time.
I spent a bit of time reading horoscopes last night and was not thrilled...not that I believe all that stuff whole heartedly but you never know... like the compatability of signs that I posted earlier I looked up the compatability of h's sign with the two potential signs of ow...bad idea...they are very very very compatable...one even says "when these two come together it is like two peices of a puzzle joining" the other is similar (I only know of the month of her birthday is why two signs) I then read this years horoscope for my sign and then for his...they seem to relate with certain time lines for things happening...and as if this spring would already not be bringing me "fear" that h will once again leave...the horoscopes for each of us have major changes occuring at that time...his even starts the year with talk of being with the wrong person..but then ends with ending an innconvenient and unhealthy habbit...so then is she the habbit or am I. suppose it really doesn't matter because either way I will be just fine. maybe I should annoy myself more and go see a pshycic.
I think the hardest part of all this (and please if you are feeling the same way help me out) is that I am not totaly sure that h and I do belong together..(but what does that mean anyway..I don't believe in soul mates and "the one" and all that crap) yes we can be with eachother...get through life, care for our children etc...but are we really "right" for each other...can we make eachother happy enough that if we do stay together till old age...we are not releived when the other passes so that we can find "love"
I don't want to be a waw, and wont. I value my family and have stood by h long enough..to give up, but I wonder if h hadn't walked away and had his a...would I not have when I get back to the world? what will stop me from going after that feeling I am sure to find when I step out the door to re-join the world after being an at home mom for 4+years...hell who knows even just this volunteering for the town will introduce me to some new people...who knows who I will meet...or even at the gym...
I don't know...
trying to figure out what sets me into these down moods...and I think it has very much to do with sex...I wish for once I could be the one to say...I'm tired...I'm just not in the mood...or any of that stuff so h would understand...but he wouldn't and I would only further aggrivate myself doing that anyway. I don't think it's that I want "sex" (well ok, yes I do) it's more that I want h to want me, and I find it hurtful, depressing, humiliating..etc..when he doesn't and then turns down my advances...I'm trying to not let it bother me but I can feel the pain and resentment building. suppose I should read michelles new book as she was nice enough to send me an autographed copy, but I'm afraid that if I read it I may see the signs of things I don't want to know.
tonight I am going out with some friends to sing!! tommorow night I am going to my book club (I can say my cause I started it over the summer as part of my getting a life) thurs night I will begin to paint the dining room (even though h thinks it's fine the way it is) fri night I am going out with some girlfriends.. sat night I do not know sun I am going with the family to grandmother in laws for dinner.
I still have not mentioned valentines day to h and will try not to...I really hope that even if we don't go out..h tries to at least make something of the evening other than just sitting and watching tv...last year to celebrate I suggested we all go to a kids place up here...it was fun son and h climed through this giant indoor play space that is a climbing maze that leads to a 2 story slide...I couldn't go in cause dd was 5 months old and in the snugle with me. (I chose to spend it as a family because it was just 2+ months after discovery of ow and I was still nursing dd anyway)
Why is it that you have a good couple days, then not? I tend to do the same thing. Maybe you could try and pay attention to some patterns that get you down. However, maybe there's no pattern at all, and you're just tired...tired of focusing on the R. You've worked hard for a long time, my dear.
We've talked about this before, but I think we all come to a point when we realize that our S is one way and we are another. Sometimes they have their on days (like us), and sometimes their off days. Who knows why? We are chemical beings...when those chemicals are mixed a certain way and when the stars align on a particular axis, who knows what can happen? There are just far too many variables and we can control very very little.
I feel that sometimes so much of my mental and emotional energy is put into "thinking" and analyzing my situation that there's little left for much else. I believe many of us do this, and frankly, it's not healthy. Instead, I think what we need to do is practice detaching and working on ourselves. We say this over and over, and sometimes we do it, but most of us never do it enough...me included. I'm very guilty of this and know that although I've had a mindshift to focus on positives rather than negatives, I still "focus." I almost think I need to remove the focus and pull back to see the big picture...as do you.
I used to think that my W and I are soulmates. I'm not sure what I think anymore. I do think, however, that we were meant to be together...whether that's for 10 years, or for the rest of our lives I don't know. There are lessons to learn in everything. I've learned many on my path and know that I have many more to learn. What lessons have you learned? I imagine many.
Horoscopes, LL? For every horoscope that has something negative, I'm sure I could find one with a positive. I don't really believe that stuff. Why put your valuable energy into reviewing such things?
I think maybe you and I need to just sit back and enjoy the ride for a while. Enjoy what we are doing to improve ourselves. Enjoy our children, and enjoy our Ses for what they are willing to give. In time...and it ALWAYS takes time...I think they'll come around. Until then, they have to decide their own path. And in the end, you know you'll be fine. Right?
ya ya ok so I know that astrology is kinda crack pot...but still makes me wonder...thing is long before h and I were ever married I wondered if we were supposed to be together or if we were simply to meet and introduce his sis to my bro...things went on between them but it was a secret (they were young) and it has caused friction between h and I ever since...she thought (and I would assume still thinks) that my bro was "the one" my bro admitted to having considered once marrying her...so then it is possible that h and I were to meet to bring them together but becuase we stayed together it caused a problem for them to be together.
what utter crap that all is isn't it!!
I don't know if h and I are meant to be together or even if we will stay together...fact is we are together and somehow have to find a way to make it work so that we are both happy and satisfied with the r. I am ready and willing (always have been) to communicate with h, be it through counceling or just us at home, h does not seem to be ready or perhaps he is ready but is trying to do it without actually talking about it...but by trying to interperet my wants and needs.
it's all so damn confusing...I never know if what I am doing is the right thing for "us" or not. I suppose h would be happy if I was just happy...but I can be happy on my own...I don't know where I am going with this one so it's best to stop it there.
Quote: . Maybe you could try and pay attention to some patterns that get you down.
there seems to be no real pattern... though I do notice that some days h tells me what he has to do and/or what he is doing and gives some sort of a time frame as to when he'll be home... when he does not tell me what he's got going on or does not bother to call until the token call letting me "you guys" know he's on his way home it bothers me. when he is physically distant it bothers me. when he declines my sexual advances it bothers me.
theese things I can let slide for a day or two but when they add up over that it starts to bring me down.
I do not know if ow is gone. I do not know if h is happy I do not know what h wants I do not know what h's needs are and if they are being met by me I do not know how h feels about me and our r I do not know much of anything cept that I do not know!!
I suppose I can just do what I keep saying I'm going to do and that is to not be concerned with how h acts around and/or toward me....but really that is not the r that I want to have...so then did I wait for him to come home so that we could rebuild our r...or did I wait for him to come home so that we could simply co-exhist??
I am simply the duller side of a double edge sword to h.
during that ride home from our ski trip h made the comment of his sit being a double edge sword and I am realizing the truth of it...
if I play nice and act like what has happend to our r or lack there of...what he had done and said and set out to do means nothing in the grand scheme of things..that I am not hurt or effected negatively by it then all is well and happily (or rather contently) ever after we shall live.
if I let h know my feelings...try to discover his...try to actually work on the r rather than just letting it evolve on it's own the way he wants to (seemingly to just push the past under an immaginary carpet) the I become (or rather comming home becomes) just as sharp as the leaving side of the sword. it does not come down to me or ow as I think by now he knows though they "connect" and he "fell in love with her" life with her would be no piece of cake either as soon the realities of her life (her illness, her d, her two children etc) would seep into their once care free r as well.
so then it would simply be about h wanting to be free...difference is now h is connected to his children and wouldn't want to hurt them any more than he already has. but in the end is staying on this side of that illusive sword good for him.
I am at a loss...h is currently leaving his token.."i'm on my way home bla bla bla see you guys when I get there" message on the phone as I just am too annoyed right now to talk to him and pretend I'm happy.
thing is I just don't know anymore who is the was...was it me and he left...was I on the verge and he became the was...did I finally become a was as a result of his leaving..am I entering my own alien stage???
I just want to peel of my skin and take a nice long nap!!
dear h, thank you for trying to try. I want you to know that if you do not wish to stay with me I can live with it. I understand if you want to be a "family" for the children and also for yourself but if that does not involve nurturing the r that we have as two individual adults seperate from just being parents then you are free to do as you please. I cannot hold you down and do not wish to..it does not make me happy to see you sacrifice yourself any more than it makes you happy to see me sacrifice. I do not know what it is you are looking for but feel that the "it" you were afraid would not be here is indeed not here. I do not know how or why or who's fault if there even lies a fault but at this time I do not feel that I can go on this way. I want very much the same peace you seemed to be seeking when you sat on our stairs telling me that you felt like you were in hell. I want very much to be able to put the past few years in the past. I do not feel good h, I do not feel good at all. I want to be happy, I want to be comfortable in my own home with my h and sadly I am not. I do not know what my h wants, I do not know what he needs.. I am tired of feeling down and not feeling that I can talk to you.
aw the hell with it...would all fall on deaf ears anyway.
I would love to go upstair and pack all of h's clothes in bags and tell him to leave! this time at least he has a place of his own to go to as he still has not gotten rid of the appartment. but then that would be me saying I don't want to be with him when in fact it is him sending me the message that he does not want to be with me.
h why the f did you come home...or did you want to come home but when it became once again a real world you don't like it. do you need to live in a fantasy world where you are some little girls prince charming??? I'm sorry hon but I don't need any friggen prince to rescue me from my woes...I need a man to stand by my side...are you up for that...cause you sure as hell don't seem to be acting like it. I can easily go about my business while we reside in the same home, hell I could even find myself a man to fill that void and you would be none the wiser you are so un intune to me. I knew all along that you had a "friend" even told you who (jokingly at the time but I did say her name to you didn't I) oh I see that you don't like it when I don't answer the phone...perhaps I should just not answer the phone at all and how would you feel if the kids and I just weren't home when you got here???? you probably wouldn't care that I was not here you'd just worry about the kids, go pick them up and then sit your but down on the couch and enter your little world of tv news and sports. who are you h, what do you think about anything, do you even have feelings, do you care about anything other than your beloved sports and business and oh now you care about your kids...if I left and never came back would you care? if I just stopped talking to you would you even notice? I look at theese two beautiful children and I am brought to tears with a sadness that they should live with a mother who does not feel loved. I don't like the way I feel. honeslty h perhaps you were right...maybe I was better off with you gone. but maybe it was not because you were not with me that I was better it was because I was no longer with someone but feeling alone. maybe I was right in my feelings before you left, I'd rather be alone and lonley than with someone and lonely.
LL, it seems your H simply has to come to a place where he's ready to truly talk about your R. Thing is, my W has done a lot of self-evaluation and has a significant mindshift as a result of all this crap...an awakening so to speak. I do not think your H has come to this point yet. Why? Who knows. Maybe it's because he really doesn't think there's anything wrong...and that this is "normal." Maybe it's because he didn't "really" go off the deep end and have a full-blown PA...something that might have leant some insight. Maybe not enough time has gone by for him to seek his answers. Or, maybe he's seeking his answers internally and just not sharing. Fact is, it's a process all of our WASes go through. He could just be slow...
Have you really considered "pushing" a little more to go to C? I know you mentioned it to him, but what about pushing? Or pushing to read a book or two? Or possibly, just decide to give it another three months, then see where you stand then. Might it help just to draw a line in the sand and say "in three months if I don't meet X, Y, and Z goals, then I'm going to push?" Just throwing some stuff out there, LL.
Quote: Have you really considered "pushing" a little more to go to C?
how many more times can I ask. can I demand he go? (i know the answer to that one)
h is not ready...I don't know if h had the pa or not...doesn't matter...but I did tell him that he should have just gone and gotten it overwith then he'd see..
I know how it all works..I haven't lived in a box.
seems to me that h has live in the box of his business and now is finding himself not knowing what to do about it not needing him as much.
though I always aksed h to share his woes with me (even have a letter I wrote him about it) he never did, he played the "strong man" nothing bothers him. (yeah right what drugs are you taking that make you different fromt he rest of us humans) h doesn't want to lean on me.
I have a questionare that my c gave me...one for me and one for h...h saw it and asked what it was...that was that...I will ask him to fill it out...perhaps that may open some doors. maybe when I go out tonight I will leave dr and mars and venus out on the table at least he can use them as coasters!! ha ha
I think h wants to try he just doesn't know how. I think h wants to be with me...he is just afraid to share his feelings with me.
thing is what he doesn't realize is that the feelings he has are not much different from the feelings I have. I'm just not dilluded into thinking that someone else would be better...yes they may be better at some things..they may be more physical..may be full of suggestions and inititate outings and romance but what will be missing?? the qualities I admire in h...I don't know what else I can do. a year ago at discovery of ow...3 things I wanted
we go to c ow r ends including as customer h start to take customers in our area
at first none were acceptable to h...
then ow friendship to end (though it didn't)
that was that...
this time I dropped the last request as he has his reasons (though I don't agree with them) asked for us to go to c...not ready yet asked for ow friendship to end and have been told that it has though she is still a customer..
so then what is h doing to meet my 3 requests?????
