Why is the ow so controlling?

[inmyplace]

Cinders,

If my marriage had been restored, I really don't know what I would say. But I doubt it would be much different. What I say takes into consideration that my marriage was not restored. But, honestly, I can see where most of the damage was done before I was ever on the DB board. The bomb shocked me back to reality. But I also know there is a period in which everyone who comes here will spin. Can't help it. my spinning was exacerbated by a poor economy when i was trying to reenter the workforce.

AS for the hospital, I am a 51 year old man. They like to look inside. No biggie. I don't have an appointment yet either. That will happen in a month after my next appointment at the doctor. I was just making a point.

But thank you for caring.

IMP

[princess_nic]

OT and Always ~

I'm quoting you both here b/c I think you have similar viewpoints in many ways.

When you get happy in your own shoes, their happiness won't matter a smidge to whether or not you have a great life. You'll get there soon enough.

((( Nic ))) I'm sorry that this time is so rough. I know the pain. Most all of us here do. Just focus on who you are now, hang onto that thought, of the woman you are. I tend to think that you need more out of your H than he is even giving his new gf now....and that just ain't gonna happen. You want more out of a man, and he obviously not able to step up. Time to get what you deserve. A good life.

I do know that I was unhappy with H for a long time. I was willing to work at fixing things, but he wasn't. I put up with poor treatment for a long time (my issue), and now I feel like I deserve the pay-off. Pretty silly, eh? Kind of like, "I've played the lottery for 10 years - I deserve the 50 million!" It could happen, but the chances are too slim for me to quit my job (and I don't play the lottery, btw!).

I guess I feel like he doesn't deserve to be happy b/c I was unhappy with him. I was going to say b/c he made me unhappy, but now I know better. I *thought* he did, but my reactions to his behaviour didn't help me.

I do recognize now that a lot of my despair and depression are nothing to do with him or his leaving, rather, that was a trigger that brought up my abandonment issues from childhood. Yes - it's all my parents' fault!

Seriously, though, I am stronger and healthier emotionally that I have ever been. Or should I say, I finally *realize* how strong I am. I have been able to let go of a lot of my own demons, not all, but I'm getting there. And that is a blessing.

My parents, of course, had/have their own issues. My father has never dealt with his, and is still an angry and anxious man, though mellowed over the years. My mother has just started therapy and is doing really well. They are working with the book "Boundaries," and she is finding it really helpful. I am happy for her.

My challenge now is to ensure that I continue to grow, and that my children don't go through the same stuff I did ~ although they will no doubt end up on the couch at some point, too. That's just the way it is!

Where am I going with this?

I want to say that I agree that worrying about H and his gf and their happiness is irrelevant to my own happiness. Sometimes, I feel vindictive or, like I said, as if I deserve the payoff. But what can I do? Yes, I spent 16 years with the man, but I have many more years ahead of me. I could spend 40 with someone else and have a better M than I ever imagined.

And I DBed my dad yesterday! I will post on my "real" thread...

[princess_nic]

I KNEW there was something else I wanted to say! Washing my floors somehow reminded me...

As I think I said on your thread, I am pretty darn sure YOU WON'T be getting stuck

Yes, your exact words were "you won't be mired in years of stuckness." I remember b/c I thought that was such a cool way of putting it!

I don't think I will either, but it's no accident. As you know, it will be due to my own work on myself, with the help of Michele's work, this bb, my T and God. It would be very easy to fall into bitterness, as I have seen so many divorced people do. I refuse to be one of them.

[25yearsmlc]

dear all,

I gave the stats b/c they addressed a question a person mentioned, or so I recall. BTW, if you get a chance--faithisbelieving posted a lengthy researched piece on types of OPs and cheaters,etc. Reminded me of Madame BOvary and other literature pieces in history, wherein infidelity and "MLCs" were explored. Just not thought of that way until now.

But really as you all know, the stats are nice background info for those first entering this place. Sometimes reality checks help but so does hope. In the end, we are all just trying to ease our pain and increase our understanding of why our lives have just been upturned so much.

As for the hospital analogy--I could have done better. It's just that many "happy" or successful marriages have struggled through God knows what, and we never know they did. They weren't on our "bb"s, or radar, if you kwim. We cannot surmise much solely by being here.

We all have to think for ourselves and make the best choices we can on limited, shifting information. So far I've stayed in my M and will be joining my h up in Alaska not b/c HE deserves it. But b/c I think we have a chance, and our d9 does deserve it. And if I'm wrong, then she'll have had that much more time with both her parents in the house, and that ain't so bad. Sometimes despite very very mixed feelings, all I can do at the end of the day, is what I THINK/HOPE is best for my children. "Statistics, smastisticks".
j

[oldtimer]

"But, there is value in going there and bouncing back. I see now that I would not have snapped out of that thinking if I did not inherently have higher self-esteem at my core. I would have stayed there. And that realization is powerful."

Really well put, I totally agree. If you don't work THOUGH the stuff, it will keep you down. In working through the stuff, you go through some pretty tough places. But the other side is much much better than anticipated, and well worth the work.

"However, OT, I don't think your analogy of you and XW in your H's life is appropriate in many of these cases. It's not really the same type of R, nor was it forged in the same time/spirit. "

Always, I appreciate that, I don't think it is the same type of R either. But I have seen people call a new GF of an XH after D an OW, so, I felt it was relevant to be straightforward about my own sitch. MANY here would call me an OW or H an OM, given that both of us were still legally married when we met.

But anyway, I was trying to use my case just to illustrate that there really is no telling what is going on in an R that you aren't a member of -- trying to make up a story that fits preconceived ideas and the little bits of info you get just doesn't yield anything reliable. Are OWs so controlling? Who knows -- the LBS really can't know without the screaming banshee style evidence, lol. I expect WAHs even lie sometimes and blame a controlling OW to explain away their own freely chosen actions. Just no way to know. But, in the long run, as you (and I) both found, it doesn't matter how their R is working for them.

[oldtimer]

"I don't think I will either, but it's no accident. As you know, it will be due to my own work on myself, with the help of Michele's work, this bb, my T and God. It would be very easy to fall into bitterness, as I have seen so many divorced people do. I refuse to be one of them."

Yep and it SHOWS