When I wrote "affair down" I meant the same thing as you, so we're on the same page.
I think they are with people who fit where they are NOW, emotionally. In my case, and many others here, I also think there is an element of feeling superior with the women H choses - almost by his own admission. In some of the cases, it's a feeling of losing control in life that pushes them through this stuff (MLC or not) and seeking things that make them feel better or soothes the raging ego. I have seen, this past year, my H's raging ego (in reality his low self-esteem and self-hate - again by his own admission) come out not only in personal matters, but also at work.
I think you're right, it's a "coupling" with someone who is on the same page as them NOW. And, it most certainly is NOT us. Even I cannot imagine myself on H's page now - how horrific would THAT be??!!
Something my H said when he had a lapse of madness was this "I was with you when I was at a better state in my life, when I was doing really well in life....not now."
So, it IS a reflection of where they are now. Not to say it's bad, just where they are now. So, when most of us LBSs are often baffled with the "huh??? you left ME for THAT?"....this is a perspective to keep in mind. It speaks more to where the WAS is in life.
Also, OT - you're right. Too much time wasted on the OP is really awful. I think back to the days when I obsessed over the OW, only to find that he was onto another...and so on. But, I also realize that I HAD to go through that. Only to come to a place where I can say "OMG - I cannot believe I let mySELF and esteem be questioned by another person." I had to go through that phase to get to where I am - sort of test my esteem and self-worth. My friend recently said it was painful for her to hear me say "do you think he loves her? is she great?" She said that eventually she let me go through it, that awful phase where you see a friend doubt themselves over nothing. She could not stop me, I had to feel low - only to bounce back. But, there is value in going there and bouncing back. I see now that I would not have snapped out of that thinking if I did not inherently have higher self-esteem at my core. I would have stayed there. And that realization is powerful.
Above all, we are human. We are strong, wonderful, talented, beautiful people - but human. We are allowed to hurt and have our time in it. And, OT, while we need time to be in this place, we also need the nudge of folks like you, whether we like it or not, to encourage us out of this place.
However, OT, I don't think your analogy of you and XW in your H's life is appropriate in many of these cases. It's not really the same type of R, nor was it forged in the same time/spirit.
((( Nic ))) I'm sorry that this time is so rough. I know the pain. Most all of us here do. Just focus on who you are now, hang onto that thought, of the woman you are. I tend to think that you need more out of your H than he is even giving his new gf now....and that just ain't gonna happen. You want more out of a man, and he obviously not able to step up. Time to get what you deserve. A good life.
