are h and I simply "dancing"? is h following my lead while I try to follow his??? it seems at times that h is very comfortable (like sun night when he fell asleep on the couch) most of the time, but then is on edge not knowing what to do...like last night...I watched fear factor (should be re-named boobie factor...god how they make me want a boob job...mommy boobs are just not as nice...natural yeah but....well that's another issue of mine) h joined me and was grossed out with what they were doing...then I went off to the cave to read the rest of my book for book club (meeting is tommorow night) then back up to the family room where h was..h went off to the puter...and I put on csi...so h returned and watched with me...I sat on the floor in front of the fire (with a floor chair thingy) and h sat on the couch....then we watched the news...h then sat on the floor near me...eventually I got up...h seemed unsettled...asked if I was going up..."in a few" I said..and came to the puter...h went up...and here I sat for a bit..then went up...h seemed a bit uncomfortable..gave me the obligitory peck good night...thanks says I...eventually I gave him a kiss on the forehead...thank you says he...I then rolled over and he cuddled into me...seemed to calm a bit and fell asleep as did I. things have become a bit mundane. I do not know what h is feeling..thinking etc...and suppose I should not know for some time.
I spent a bit of time reading horoscopes last night and was not thrilled...not that I believe all that stuff whole heartedly but you never know... like the compatability of signs that I posted earlier I looked up the compatability of h's sign with the two potential signs of ow...bad idea...they are very very very compatable...one even says "when these two come together it is like two peices of a puzzle joining" the other is similar (I only know of the month of her birthday is why two signs) I then read this years horoscope for my sign and then for his...they seem to relate with certain time lines for things happening...and as if this spring would already not be bringing me "fear" that h will once again leave...the horoscopes for each of us have major changes occuring at that time...his even starts the year with talk of being with the wrong person..but then ends with ending an innconvenient and unhealthy habbit...so then is she the habbit or am I. suppose it really doesn't matter because either way I will be just fine. maybe I should annoy myself more and go see a pshycic.
I think the hardest part of all this (and please if you are feeling the same way help me out) is that I am not totaly sure that h and I do belong together..(but what does that mean anyway..I don't believe in soul mates and "the one" and all that crap) yes we can be with eachother...get through life, care for our children etc...but are we really "right" for each other...can we make eachother happy enough that if we do stay together till old age...we are not releived when the other passes so that we can find "love"
I don't want to be a waw, and wont. I value my family and have stood by h long enough..to give up, but I wonder if h hadn't walked away and had his a...would I not have when I get back to the world? what will stop me from going after that feeling I am sure to find when I step out the door to re-join the world after being an at home mom for 4+years...hell who knows even just this volunteering for the town will introduce me to some new people...who knows who I will meet...or even at the gym...
I don't know...
trying to figure out what sets me into these down moods...and I think it has very much to do with sex...I wish for once I could be the one to say...I'm tired...I'm just not in the mood...or any of that stuff so h would understand...but he wouldn't and I would only further aggrivate myself doing that anyway. I don't think it's that I want "sex" (well ok, yes I do) it's more that I want h to want me, and I find it hurtful, depressing, humiliating..etc..when he doesn't and then turns down my advances...I'm trying to not let it bother me but I can feel the pain and resentment building. suppose I should read michelles new book as she was nice enough to send me an autographed copy, but I'm afraid that if I read it I may see the signs of things I don't want to know.
tonight I am going out with some friends to sing!! tommorow night I am going to my book club (I can say my cause I started it over the summer as part of my getting a life) thurs night I will begin to paint the dining room (even though h thinks it's fine the way it is) fri night I am going out with some girlfriends.. sat night I do not know sun I am going with the family to grandmother in laws for dinner.
I still have not mentioned valentines day to h and will try not to...I really hope that even if we don't go out..h tries to at least make something of the evening other than just sitting and watching tv...last year to celebrate I suggested we all go to a kids place up here...it was fun son and h climed through this giant indoor play space that is a climbing maze that leads to a 2 story slide...I couldn't go in cause dd was 5 months old and in the snugle with me. (I chose to spend it as a family because it was just 2+ months after discovery of ow and I was still nursing dd anyway)
