i guess when h first opened up to me and started letting me know how he felt past and present that he was scared and I was then comforting him. I felt good, I felt empowered, like I understood things and could be his rock.
I need to be needed...I know I saw someone else here use that song...I want you to want me.. I need you to need me...I'd love to have you love me....I use to sing that song to h...
things really haven't changed...h doesn't need me I am just here...I suppose if I really think long enough about it I don't really need him either, not as if I couldn't live without him...I did a fine job over the summer living with out him.
but I would like to be needed for something and don't at all feel that h needs me for anything at all.
h is (seems) content to go to work, come home from work, eat, watch tv, play with the kids and sleep. there really is no need for me he'd be happy ordering himself a pizza every night so my cooking doesn't mean much..he has been doing his own laundry since the sep and when he doesn't want to do it he just takes it to a wash and fold so my doing his laundry means nothing...he does not ask to spend time with me and does not seem to be bothered if I go about my own business either in the house or out so my being around is not needed. h went 9+ months with out physical intimacy with me before he left (well he's one of those that just doesn't have ANY interest during pregnancy ugh!) and supposedly during our 6+ month sep he was not physical with ow so he does not need me for that either. he does not need to talk to me (or even seem to want to) he does not seek me out for advice, councel, an ear to listen, vent to, share with etc. so why am I here...well I am here cause I've got two kids to care for...the real question is why is h here???
he wanted to be with ow, wanted to talk to her everyday, wanted to spend time with her, wanted to go places with her (even if just out to lunch) wanted to talk to her, listen to her, and eventually wanted to be physical with her (and who the hell knows maybe he did) so then what is he doing here with me??? am I some obligation?? he owes it to me to try to be with me? even though it is not what he wants? he seemed to want it when he first came around, was talking to me, wanting to spend time with me, wanting to be near me, close to me, and now it seems we are once again falling back into the same old same old...boring is one thing..I don't mind comfort but stale and lacking is another. perhaps h and ow are right we just had a young r and aren't meant to be together but unfortunatley are bound together by our children.
some days I feel like telling him that he is free, that I don't want to be with him, he is free to go and be with whom he chooses, that I do not wish for him to and will not allow him to sacrifice his happiness for the sake of the kids.
I do not know if our r is "normal" I do not know if h is "normal"
I know many people even people that have known h for many many years see him as hard to get to. h is not a very open person, not even with me his wife.
tired! so very very tired. this road I have been traveling for a lot longer than I should.
I have a letter (or rather h has a letter) that I wrote h probably 11-12 years ago talking to him about how he doesn't talk to me or come to me for anything. nothing has changed.
h found his love...to bad she was already married so he married me...tried to leave me but by then it was to hard...too much time and money invested...children involved so suck it up...it's the better end of the sword..you wont get as much flack from your family on this side of the blade...all you have to do is give up the true love that you found.
LL the "it" h was looking for is not here and never was. I had it for him but he never did have it for me and is only fooling the both of us thinking he can make it be so. we do not belong together. some work is expected in a r...this one is too much work.
