Unlike your sitch our church and pastors do not support my W at all. Infact my W nolonger goes to our church because she feels judge and condemned by all....
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Do a 180 on this one, totally agree. Say, "Yes, I believe God told you this, I'm praying for God to tell me as well, I really would like to hear from God so I can have some peace/resolve on this issue. Pray for me, that I would hear from Him."
This is a great response it validates and puts me on her playing field.
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I treat it as if I was talking to someone like Eric Rudolph or David Koresch. Can anything I say change their mind? Nope. In their eyes, I'm just not spiritual enough or in tune with God enough or believe enough.
I haven't thought about it this way. I just think she is nutz, this is a better way of defining their mindset. Meaning justifying her actions with her faith which contradicts God's word.
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Yes, I do believe her spiritual support system would believe that D is okay.
For my W she has really had to go out on a limb to find any support for her actions. Her support system is a few girl friends(two have been involved in A's and the other is a LBS), her family, and her counselor. She just wants people to love her no matter what choices she is making. Why can't others love her unconditionally? God does..... Again she is so wrapped up in herself that she doesn't realize that a lot of people love her, they also want to help her make good Godly decisions, which she is not by pursueing D. She really is the one pushing everybody away its not the otherway around like she sees it.
Yesterday was a fun day. I had the girls all day. We went to the mall in the morning, I brought D5 best friend with us. Again I must be the dumbest Dad out there or the greatest. 3 girls(5,4,2) and me at the mall. Two is hard to keep an eye on, throw another in the mix it makes it that much harder. Anyways, we had a great time... I need to brag a little about D5. She had some birthday money which she was going to spend at the Disney store and she choose to not only buy herself a little something but to also use her money to buy her friend the samething. She did this all on her own. I was proud of her and made sure that she knew that. Pretty cool for a 5 yr old isn't it......
After the mall D5 went to her GF house and I brought D2 home for her nap. Then last night we went out by my parents to see a firework show. Today we went to church, lunch, and now it is nap time. I am hoping to go swimming at a friends house tonight.
Oh how can I forget...Last night when my W got home from work, she wakes me up and asks me what the heck did I do to the Dog... I had the dog in her cage and it was not my fault that she crapped all over the place.... Needless to say that my W wasn't happy with me for what the dog did and while she cleaned it up she sounded like she was crying. I did try to clean it up but my W did not want me to... Instead of starting something I just stepped to the side and layed back down.
Em...we have a rescued greyhound. As you know, they are bred to race. Initially, they don't know how to climb stares...never saw glass...they are raw. Our dog at 78lbs, needs to get out frequently.
Trust me....I am responsible and the cause for every poop...every pee....his bad breath (he's 11)...vomit in the crate. I'm the cause for the problems....even when SHE doesn't let him out or arrange for someone to let him out if she can't get home. She doesn't feed the cat..the fish...or HIM.
SO.....don't feel so lonely
Stay the course. It's not you.
FIB
PS....almost time to prepare a new thread.
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
our dogs problems are my fault b/c I "refuse to discipline them" the way h would....which is true, actually. I don't like screaming at and spanking animals...but unlike you guys, I am usually the only one home to "find" the surprises and tempted as I am to just wait for H to come home for him to clean it, I really cannot do so, b/c he only comes home once a month....but don't think I haven't considered it... j
PS our female standard poodle is brilliant and trained so she isn't really a problem. The manly pug we have however, is another story. He's not a thinker, he's a lover and he's a big dog in a little dog's body. He can't help his masculinity and the need to mark HIS territory....often. Especially with the teasing flirtatious poodle, who is just asking for it....she's a bit of a slut, frankly....caught her the other day with the Labrodor down the street, smoking cigarettes and drinking wine....shameless.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm glad to see you're beginning to realize that your logic has no effect on the W. I did the same things too and then finally realized my H was going through a "crazy" time in his life and I might as well go with it, and even agree and have fun with the whole thing... "You know people do get tired of being with one person after awhile so why should people even get married? It might be better if the kids never do get married so they have to go through all this... young couples nowadays just live together and gosh, seeing all this divorce you can't blame them. Why go through all the legal stuff if you don't have to?"
Try saying stuff like that to her and agreeing with her that divorce is good and not getting married is even better ("Heck, everyone cheats. No guy really wants to be stuck with one woman for more than three years... why get married at all?"), and see what she says about that!!! Hee hee!!!
And, then, at the same time tell her she seems a bit tense and offer to give her a back rub. Just tell her that her shoulders seem a bit tight and get real close while you're doing this, whisper "relax, now... doesn't that feel better..." and "have you been working out? You look really good..." deep sexy voice, and breathe in her ear....
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Yesterday my W and I had our first disagreement about our kids and pseudo custody. I had plans last night with my DD's while my W was to be at her IC. From my perspective I have had the girls to myself the nights that she has counseling, I did not feel I needed to get her OK for my plans. Well my W last minute decided to change plans, I no longer was going to pick our kids up at her friends because she was going to bring them to her sisters for the night. Which would have meant ERC would not have seen his DD's and would have had to cancel his plans for the evening. After going back and forth on the phone for a little while I went and picked up my girls and my W left to go to her IC. She was pretty hot about this since she did not see them all weekend and she just wanted to spend sometime with them. I think she forgets the fact that she is with them all day while I am at work... I really do not agree with her argument, I just see it as her being a brat....
I ended up with my girls for the evening. We went to our friends house and hung out there for sometime. I made plans with my friend and his DD to go camping in two weeks. It should be a good time. We are going to go back to the same camp ground that we went to a few weeks ago, at least that is the plan if I can get a campsite.
Once home last night the girls and I ate some popcorn and watched Bambi before I put them to bed.
When my W got home I ended up talking with her for a while. She asked me if I still loved her. I told her yes... I sometimes feel that I am crazy to keep loving you but Yes I still love you. She told me that I had a strange way of showing it. If I loved her I would have let her take the girls so she could spend sometime with them since she did not see them over the weekend(pretty bratty??). She also told me that in the beginning of this sitch I was amazing for the first couple of months but then I reverted back to the same old opinionated ERC. She also said that over the last few months that she tried coming back to the M a few times. I told her that she had been gone this whole time(I actually referred to a discussion we had 2 days after she told me about the EA) and that any attempt she tried to make to comeback was for not because she was still carrying out her R with the OM. She did not argue and seemed to agree. She also said that our M had been dysfunctional for years and she did not know it until it came out through her C. She also told me that no amount of MC could save our M and that it would be pointless.
Later, while I was trying to go to sleep she came downstairs flipped on the lights and said I have a comment and a question. The comment was her telling me something that happened to her the other day with our girls. And the question was if I talked to my boss about changing my hours so the custody arrangement that she is thinking about will work. We then stayed up for another 45 minutes talking..... She did ask me if I forgave her.... I asked for what specifically but then answered her honestly. I am not at the point where I can full forgive you. I am going down that road but I cannot wholeheartedly tell you that I forgive you totally at this point. She seemed content with me saying this, it is where I am so not much she can say or do.....
Forgiving, forgetting & the 'ol trust issue are so very hard -- it takes a LOT of work. I don't think she should have ASSumed she could just take the girls to her sister's house either when usually you take them when she's at IC.
I think you are doing really well. She's still in the house w/ you right? I still think, w/ the comments she made last night, she may 'figure it out' and come around. Just keep strong and hopefully you guys can end up working things out.
There were a lot of times I never thought H would change his mind and he was deadset on getting a D. I just hung in there.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
You need to start being very business-like about this whole custody thing so your wife "gets" the situation. Custody in divorce is very cut and dry. There is specific times and days. If someone has something special and wants a change for one evening or weekend,it will need to be arranged and agreed upon in advance (and even that needs to be specific... like 24 hours advance notice). The person who has custody at that time will need to approve and their needs and feelings must be respected. Don't allow this to be a tug-of-war emotional thing.... That will hurt the kids, create more emotional turmoil than needed and hurt any chances of reconciliation. Just create a schedule and stick to that. Explain to your wife that this is what's expected from the court and if she tries to make it emotional pass off the responsibility of the situation to the court. Say, I'm sorry, but this is the agreed upon set schedule. If you want any changes you need to discuss this with your lawyer and the court. Be nice, and tell her you understand, agree with her how hard it is and say you wish things were otherwise, but you have no control because this is the custody situation.
I have to agree with Cadesmom, your wife sounds like she's thinking out things and possibly wavering. Please don't try to convince her of anything, she has to figure this out on her own. Just be nice and agree with her --without giving up any of your rights or allowing her to manipulate you... pass that buck onto the courts and the lawyers so she doesn't see it as you making the decisions "against her", it's all a legal thing, etc..... hope that makes sense. In other words, anything I was fighting for, extra custody, extra money for medical situations, etc... I passed onto the lawyer, and what's "best for the kids," so my husband wouldn't see it as ME as fighting against him).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Em...not much to add except some lines that I've gotten. I've only held onto the ones that truly mean something. Throw away the term "babysteps". Throw away the phrase , "why don't you go back to being the same man you were when she met you."
Hold on to these tho': 1) " Continue to be the same strong and loving husband you've always been" 2) There isn't a lot you can do to bring her back to you but there is a LOT you can do to push her away.
You can't stop your W from pushing thru this D, but, you can "hold onto your N.U.T.S"....you can continue to love your daughters. I can't overemphasize how important this is. Your W is willing to strip them of having an intact family. She is willing to risk them having their own marital problems. YOU....are the man to stop this...to show them...to show them that they are loved...how a REAL man acts.
When they D us Em, we lose control..and this is EXTREMELY hard for us...as men...to handle. The only way to get back control is to: -be brave and open that door WIDE for her to leave -show no weakness -be 'da man' -continue to be a great father -be firm and resolute IF the D goes thru to do WHAT YOU THINK IS BEST AND SAFEST FOR YOUR 2 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS (and I saw the pic..they remind me of my little girl)
I note from your posts that you still have a tendency to defend yourself or to try and put reason on this.
Stop EM. You don't need to do this. Believe in yourself. Just listen to her. If she asks you if you love her, just say yes. It needs no explanation. If she asked you if you forgave her....either a yes or no if you are honest. Again, listen more, talk less.
Wordy post...I just want to let you know that you are not alone...and others..including me...are walking beside you in spirit..down the same path.
Strength and honor....and give those two girls a big hug tonite.
Strength and honor.
Frank
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
And the question was if I talked to my boss about changing my hours so the custody arrangement that she is thinking about will work.
I'm curious what your answer to this was. I'm hoping something like this:
"Please don't concern yourself with my work arrangements."
And nothing more. You could go on, "Once the custody schedule is finalized, I will take care of whatever work schedule issues or child care as needed." But that's really giving her too much info. Telling her that you talked to your boss is enabling her version of the future, and if you didn't you are inviting an argument.
