Hmmm. Still sounds like her actions are forcing you to do things, like she is the puppeteer. I think not.
How about:
"I will pursue a D unless circumstances change because I am unwilling to remain married to someone who is having an affair with someone else and who is causing damage to my family. That is a boundary I will not choose to alter. But, there is plenty of room for things to change without a violation of that boundary. For instance, I would prefer a scenario in which you stop your A and we work together to rebuild our M. But, I cannot control you nor will I try. You know the score. Your choices are your choices and my choices are my own."
It may seem picky, lol, but it seems to matter to me in two ways:
(1) It takes you out of a victim role in your choice of words.
(2) It acknowledges that you do have a choice in things. Your choice is to exclude the option of working on the M and/or allowing the M to continue without putting D on the table while the A is going on.
1) I'm not willing to live in a sexless, affectionless marriage.
2) I know about her and OM, and it's disrespectful to me, to our marriage, and to our family, and it needs to STOP.
3) I will not go to MC while she is having an affair.
4) "NO CONTACT" is the only acceptable next step.
5) I will not PURSUE divorce, but it is an option for me if things don't change or improve, and my patience is not limitless.
6) Her current behavior is what's driving my actions (the tightening of the finances, the confrontation and exposure, for example).
7) Regardless of the past state of our marriage, she had no right to have an affair, which is incredibly selfish and incredibly destructive to me and to our family.
8) I cannot control her behavior; she is free to do what she wishes, and I cannot stop her. I can, however, let her know the conditions under which I'm willing to remain married, and they categorically do not include "my wife is seeing another man."
That's pretty much it. If she tries to get into relationship talk, I try to avoid the fights and turn it back to insisting that she stop the affair before we go any further. If she tries to get into divorce talk, I will refer her to my attorney.
I am really seriously impressed with how great you are doing! You have become a true romantic with balls of steel. Mrs. Choc is very lucky that you are choosing to keep working on your relationship. You are definitely setting a good example for your sons for their future relationships in any case.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
It is incredibly hard, and unless you have been down that road you can't even imagine how hard it is
As much as I am spiritual (but not necessarily religious) I still believe in the saying "God will never give you more than you can handle
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Sounds great. I guess my focus was just on what you were telling yourself through your words so you aren't casting yourself as a victim in your own mind. Because, clearly you aren't. You've taken charge of your own life and choices. I thought it just might help to reflect that in your words.
Remaining firm in the force of her hurricane of craziness is great! You were even able to back babble her on things which left her confused. Shouldn't he be begging by now? Shouldn't he have moved out by now? Is my nail broken? Wait, he knows about the lawyer? heh, heh..
Keep being firm Choc, but remember kindness and compassion. She is so confused. Locked into a cycle that she can't get out of, at least in her mind. She's feeling physical attraction, probably something she hasn't felt for you in a long time and doesn't want to give that addiction up. She's afraid of losing that feeling and really, deeply afraid that it's her last chance in her MLC mind.
Her mind if full of attraction chemicals and she's an addict. As you keep saying, cold turkey in this matter of the OM is probably her only escape from this cycle. She has to have no contact with this man in any form, forever and she's the one that has to come to do the deed. It is all on her but be her guiding light. Show her love and compassion in your firmness. You're doing great!
Your post was really good, timely, and needed. I've been working SO hard on the "firm" and "detached" parts, that I do need to remember the "loving" part as well. I have tried to do that, in little things like helping her bring the groceries in from her car, or covering her with a blanket on the couch when she falls asleep, but in the arguments, too, I must inject something that shows her that I still love her, and that I am a safe path thru which she can return to the marriage.
It's hard to remember to do that, when you feel that Satan himself is staring you in the face, and spewing lies and venom at you.
What can you do in the next few days that will remind her of something that is distinctly "you two"? Is there a special photo or memento or something that you could dust off and display somewhere prominent or perhaps you could make a favorite dish of hers for dinner or do some long forgotten "honey do" item or something. There are things that are just between the two of you that wouldn't hurt to bring into the light.
Just caught up on your thread and I have to say....you did absolutely awesome during her meltdown, absolutely awesome!!! Keep standing firm just as you have been. I can't add anything and I'm sure you are getting wonderful advice from NOP's as this goes along...just wanted to give you KUDOS!
