Ok I have the next 2 1/2 days off. I got off work tonight came home got in swim suit and went and jumped in the lake!!! Ahhhhhh
I was mentally working on my goals. Here is the rough outline of them:
Work on more GAL activities. Quit smoking. Eat healthier. Excersize. Develop friendships....like I said earlier, I at first will be looking just for male friendships, just a buddy to do things with.
Get more involved in my community. Become more financially responsible.
As far as my broken marriage goes.......
By working towards the previous goals will help me work towards marriage goals, (Getting a life)
I will be positive with her. Try to get her to relax around me. Maybe even smile.
I will make the most of the time I do have with her when we exchange daughter.
I will be the best daddy I can be to my daughter.
I will give my wife the space she requests. Do my very best to not apply any sort of pressure on her.
In addition for myself. Boundrys I am setting I guess. For the time being, I will let the "situation" be. I have decided to do my very best to be patient with this situation for the rest of this year..... At which time I will sit down and re evalute where this all is. I will need by that time to see some sort of positive steps to reconnecting by then, or it may be time to just move on.
I also am reserving the right if I do find positive proof that she is "carrying on" with OM (Positive proof would be her saying this to me) to also re evalute my position.
In thinking today, probably some of this is negative. But I also came up with everything that she said to me as a reason for our seperation, I could have easily thrown right back at her. Meaning yes our marriage was/is a shambles. I could have easily been the walk away here, but I have choosen then and now and all along to stay and try to fight for our marriage. This may sound somewhat rightous but I do feel as if I am on the moral high ground here.
"You were never there for me" I was there, she just choose not to see it.
"We never did anything together" We did do things together, but these were the things that she wanted to do. If it was something I wanted to do, 95% of the time it was shot down. IE Visiting with a member of her family at least 2 times a week. Yet it was like a major ordeal to get her to visit my brother on Christmas. Forget about the rest of my family.........
I could go on and on.........and I know I sound like I am bitching, but I am also coming to the realization that a lot of this situation was not just me, but us. and the way we interacted (didnt?) She didnt get her way and pout, I would get mad and withdraw, she would get mad and push me away further, and round and round.
Yet, I am still here. I am still willing to somehow try to figure away out of this mess. I still think it is possible for us to have a better marriage than we ever had before. I will be patient, I will work for it. I will give it time. I will remain faithful. But in time I will need to see ...........something, a glimmer, anything from her........
I am pretty comfortable with all of these thoughts.
