Character, Faith, and Patience IIII (I think!)

[JR2007]

I know this is going to come out dumb, but...

Why can't these same spouse's be strong enough to stay?

No kidding, or TALK about how they're feeling. Why is our society so geared to bailing out now? It's a real shame.

There could be many reasons for your two wives not being strong enough to stay and not to hurt either of your feelings but you know I will tell you like it is, so buckle up.

789 ~ To stay with what? A drunk? Be careful of self-righteousness. Her leaving is what finally sobered you up. How many years did she spend just wishing you'd quit drinking? You think she left because SHE was weak?

JR ~ What about all the times your wife DID talk? And you never changed for long. What could she have said this time? What was there in your history that would have made her believe ANYTHING she said would have made any REAL difference?


Neither of your wives are weak. Quite the contrary, in fact.
While ya'll were off doing your own things, your wives were getting STRONG. Strong enough to leave.

And that's what changed both of you so don't either of you forget it.

I saw this in jazz's thread and loved it. Amy, your vision is amazing. I am VERY grateful for this time apart, I thank God for my W's courage to do this every day.

But, let's be clear - WE (and I stress WE, because I was just as much to blame for our communications break-down, if not more-so) didn't communicate. WHEN my W told me she was unhappy, it was in the form of vague questions, or hints, or statements that only seemed to pertain to her pain and difficulties to her. I didn't see that because MEN don't communicate that way. I would have expected to hear, "You're very angry, please go get enrolled in anger management for the sake of our family's happiness." (That might be too much, but something that direct would work.) Instead, I got, "When Gary talked about Anger Management two weeks ago, you laughed at it." This statement was not directed at me needing Anger management (and neither was "Gary's"), but that is WHAT SHE'S SAYING! "I want you to get Anger Management!" I didn't hear that. Men who are not aware of the communication differences would not get that. Yes, I was especially dumb with my selfish blindfolds on, but I didn't hear it regardless of the excuses.

So, when I wish she could have just told me, I know that she did in her mind, I didn't know. May sound like a cop-out, but I really DID NOT KNOW. Now I do, and it is because of her. THAT'S why I'm thankful. As you said Amy, if she hadn't done this, we'd still be in the same pitiful position we were the last 3 years. At least now we have a slim chance of having the marriage we always wanted...

Now, I'm getting ready to be there for her so she doesn't have to feel that pain - IF SHE COMES BACK. If she doesn't, well there are a lot of mistakes I've made that I will not make again with women, and people in general. I'm better because of this experience. Now, it's not over by a long shot, so I expect I'll be that much better when it is. I think she will be too. And we'll be able to communicate, which will be HUGE.

Bottom line for us, is we'd be even better, spectacular, I believe I told her together - synergistic even - where the sum of the parts is greater than the parts themselves. THAT'S A MARRIAGE! And I pray we get a chance to create that synergy.