Thanks for the kind words, and the link. I'll see if our church offers that; it wouldn't hurt to get some perspective on what I MAY be facing. I am careful to keep reminding my wife that "Divorce is not what I want; I'm being forced to do these things because of your affair and your behavior."
My desire to go to church was genuine, and it will be a new part of me and the boys' routine. If my wife wants to join us, fine. If not, then that's her choice.
Now, I DID stop off at her parents' house on the way home, with the boys in tow, and I do have to admit that I knew it would make W look bad. But I was over there yesterday, alone, returning my FIL's pressure washer, and they were both SO disappointed that I didn't have the kids with me, and I knew my wife wouldn't be bringing them over there anytime soon.
I see nothing wrong with her wanting some independence. I've told her so -- repeatedly -- and also told her it was damned attractive. But she needs to be able to find a way to carve out that independence from WITHIN our marriage, instead of inappropriately OUTSIDE of it, thru an affair that is so incredibly destructive to her entire family.
I do think she's crumbling Heywyre, and thanks for the encouragement. There's no guarantee that she will want ME to be any part of her post-crumble world, but for right now, I cannot worry about that and nor do I even know for sure how much I want it, unless some SERIOUS changes were to be made. But for now, the focus is on ending the affair, and her coming to the realization that like an alcoholic who can't "just have one or two drinks," she CANNOT "manage" this affair, and still keep up with her life.
And that's exactly how I felt/feel about my M - whether or not we survive (and for right now it seems positive) it is about him getting his chit together and making his life better. He even admitted he will destroy himself if he continues on this path.
Your W just hasn't got to that point, she has a long way to go but right now you are making her look in the mirror and she doesn't like what she sees
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
"I am careful to keep reminding my wife that "Divorce is not what I want; I'm being forced to do these things because of your affair and your behavior.""
You are making your own choices, so own them. No one is forcing you to do anything.
Heywyre, a mirror has ALWAYS been my wife's worst enemy. For as beautiful and as youthful and as fit as she is, she NEVER seems to be beautiful enough, or youthful enough, or fit enough, to her own eye. And as for her PSYCHOLOGICAL "mirror" . . . .
Fuhgeddaboudit.
I can say unequivocably that Mrs. Choc's biggest fear is facing her own demons.
"Your affair, and your refusal to end it, is forcing me to do something that I would otherwise not prefer to do, and that's divorce, because my personal itegrity is such that I cannot remain married to someone who is having an affair with someone else and who is causing damage to my family."
Absolutely !! Shes afraid of facing them because she might not like what she finds.
From what you have told us about your W, I hate to say this but, she sounds like a very self-absorbed, materialistic and, quite frankly, VERY low self esteem person.
She needs to realize it is not about the nails, the tummy tuck or anything else on the outside, she is going to have to go deep, deep inside before she will be able to deal with anything on the outside.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
In the meantime, you are doing a heck of a job trying to hold together your family and I commend you for that. I think of where you were just several weeks ago and how far you have come. Your strength is very inspiring to me, as I am sure it is to a lot of others on here.
Bravo for holding her feet to the fire!
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Yeah, well, thanks, but never before has something that I've supposedly done so well, felt so sh)tty. This is BY FAR the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, and yet I know it needs to be done, and that I'll be stronger for it.
This is BY FAR the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, and yet I know it needs to be done, and that I'll be stronger for it.