Again it's weird for me to read some many of these posts because I have never had so much angst, frustration and difficulty associated with sex in any of my relationships.
Never say never. I'm not a good case to consider since I was too young when I married to have had a lot of sexual relationships that were mature or of significant length (I rarely turned men/boys down for sex but they rarely turned me down either. Actually, I didn't even have to ask that much.)but my sister who is HD like me in the sense that she likes a lot of sex a lot, has been in many relationships and only twice been the HD partner in the sense that she wanted sex much more than the man with whom she was involved and it became the issue in the relationship. It's just like thinking you'll never fight about financial issues in a relationship until you wind up married to a gambler. Of course, now I'm the girl who will run screaming if she sees that her date has a Lotto ticket on his dashboard and that's not right either. Gotta get my head back together.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
1. If a guy is living with his mother, ignoring her, snapping at her, and treating her like his servant, he isn't likely to get much pleasant attention, conversation, cheerful service, nurturing, or whatever else he's looking for from her either. Some mothers might give grumbling service with lots of resentment because they can't bring themselves to turn their overgrown spoiled brats loose, but this doesn't strike me as particularly healthy.
2. If each side is lacking something from the other, this is a good opportunity for either side to calmly suggest a quid pro quo. Sure, both sides should be providing to the other already just because they know it's the right thing to do, but they're not, and it's hard to tell just by reading one sides's story who dropped the ball first. Doesn't matter at this point anyway. And yeah, they'll have to repeatedly hold each other to it for a while, which is annoying, but not unbearable if they can both get over any conflict-avoidant tendencies and keep their cool.
3. Sex is a strenuous activity if you do it right. My W has been going to the gym religiously for almost a year, and still isn't up for more than twice a week. Believe me, I consider this a vast improvement and am quite happy with it. If I need more, there's always the Internet and lots of touching and snuggling which can be done every day without too much effort.
Personally, I'd consider a lack of touching and snuggling worse than a lack of sex. But maybe I'm just weird.
Last edited by Crazy Eddie; 06/24/0706:08 PM.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Well as of yet never. I had a 7 year relationship with High school Boyfriend and 15 year relationship (including 10 year marriage) with XH. Granted only 2 years with Raven but I think we will have an even better relationship than the others because we have both learned so much about ourselves throughout the difficult process of watching our marriages be ended by our spouses.
Oh and I guess I should add that I was probably a bit more HD than my XH overall but again it really didn't create that much angst for me. I didn't let a single rejection be any more than what it was; XH being tired from a long day, etc. And to be clear that was the case in the entire 15 year relationship so in no way did it contribute to the end of the marriage.
Last edited by fearless; 06/24/0706:14 PM.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I have to say your post just gives more credence to a theory I have that sex is not really the problem in most relationships it's just a SYMPTOM of other underlying problems. And those problems could be relationship/communication issues or would even be specific personal issues (typically being that one or both spouses are looking to the other spouse to MAKE them feel happy, complete, validated etc). So Sex is not the problem???? Differences in SD is a problem. Major changes in hormonal levels is a problem.
On the communication front, I think I have said what I want/need and BB has done the same. I say what I want/feel and am told I shouldn’t expect her to agree with me. BB has said no hormones and age cause her to be the way she is and I need to respect that. So maybe we are locked into our own positions.
I don’t want BB to make me happy. I can do most things for myself. Sometimes I go solo and then BB tells me I ignore her.
I can also say that there are times I feel tired and not up to sex emotionally and thankfully the men I have been with have never been particularly bothered by it. (They just come back the next day and try again:) Usually to a positive result!) I like that situation. A real, claimable Raincheck WOW.
Five/ten rainchecks is a problem I have had. I have also heard hopefully sex ends at certain age, or lets skip it for the summertime.
Somehow there seems to be a lot more than sex at hand in many of these interactions. There is a lot more than the sex for me. So many emotional and warm fuzzie feelings floating around I want to share.
Somehow it appears to me that many men take a single rejection and turn it into a much bigger issue than is initially meant by it. SINGLE? Single? That is where it rubs me the wrong way. It is not singular by any means. It is rejection after rejection for years even decades in my case. It’s the ratio of good connections and rejections that leads to resentments and anxities that run around in my head, more wasted time if I try. She said she doesn’t get anything out of sex, am I forcing her to do something that causes her to internal grief? Why does something that feels so good cause her to feel so bad?
So why am I not LD after all the failed attempts and rejection? It isn’t because I like Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl- Maybe some women and men need to own a HD man’s equipment for a couple of months.
Then in turn the women see the angst, frustration, neediness, etc. from their H's as "proof" that all their H's want is sex and this cycle just allows each party to feel more entrenched with their beliefs and needs. Very close Fearless.
I did not mean anything directed at you. In fact truth be told the bigger issue that I would GUESS at in your relationship is that your wife may have some personal issues that need to be addressed.
I still think that sex may be a symptom of that problem/issue with your wife. This does not mean that sex (or the lack there of) is NOT A problem. I just mean I think the root cause is something other than sex. I also think that strictly focusing on sex may actually be counterproductive to getting more sex because of this very reason.
Actually I am not so much for the idea of raincheck as much as we just leave the missed opportunity in the past and move forward to a new day.
I have mentioned it before but I do come from a family where my parents and grandparents were about as open as decent about sex so I have always seen it as a normal part of marriage.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Oh and I guess I should add that I was probably a bit more HD than my XH overall but again it really didn't create that much angst for me. I didn't let a single rejection be any more than what it was; XH being tired from a long day, etc. And to be clear that was the case in the entire 15 year relationship so in no way did it contribute to the end of the marriage.
The funny thing is that initially I didn't even "recognize" the fact that my 2bx had a lower drive than me. I thought it was odd when we were dating that he would spend the night with me and not initiate sex but it was so outside the realm of my experience with other men that I simply chalked it up to "too much to drink" rather than LD. It wasn't until we reached the point a couple years into the marriage when more than 2 weeks would go by consistently without him initiating and then I would consistently get rejected when I did initiate that it became "the problem" in my mind. I'm almost certain that I would not have ended up on this BB if I had married a man who initiated approximately weekly on approximately a regular basis even though I really would prefer much more sex. I'm generally an easy-going and reasonable person.
Although, I should add that at this point in my life, I am definitely seeking a relationship in which sex is a high priority, 'cause "Why not?" - LOL
Last edited by MJontheMend; 06/24/0706:37 PM.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
then I would consistently get rejected when I did initiate that it became "the problem" in my mind.
Yeah. That's why it was never a problem for us because I might get "turned down" one night and the within a day or two he would initiate or would accept my initiation. Easy to not be too bothered by an OCCASIONAL turn down, right? But then again I am pretty good about not taking things too personal in all aspects of my life:)
I should say too that I never thought of it in terms of "rejection" as much as being "turned down." I don't "reject" a chocolate dessert as much as "turn it down" when I don't feel up to eating a dessert. But tomorrow or later in the week I may be searching out chocolate:)
Last edited by fearless; 06/24/0706:45 PM.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Ya, that's a good one isn't it? I used to get "it's too hot" (pretty much the same thing) but when I suggested we put the fan on or get air conditioning, no, that wasn't the answer either
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I should say too that I never thought of it in terms of "rejection" as much as being "turned down."
I would say that I never thought of it as "rejection" either until he started indicating that me being too fat or nerdy or whatever was the "reason". Early on I assumed the "reason" had to do with his drinking or tendencies towards depression. Therefore, I didn't think "rejected" or "turned down" but more like I was seriously annoyed because he so frequently had an "out of commission" sign up on his sexual door. My early "bad" HD behavior was mostly of the "barge my way in the closed sexual door with overtly sexual behavior" variety. For instance, I would rub up against him in bed or start playing with myself in front of him. In my defense, I should add that I didn't see anything wrong with behaving like this at the time. I just figured if a guy wasn't turned on the solution was to just act more sexy. Also, he always enjoyed the sex once it was underway so I didn't get any sort of immediate negative feedback.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Fearless I did not mean anything directed at you. I did not mean anything directed at you. I was using my example and suggesting it applied to other, but not all couples.
I am not so much for the idea of raincheck as much as we just leave the missed opportunity in the past and move forward to a new day. When you said one rain-check, I thought one raincheck, OH when does only one rain-check happen?
And for moving on I can do that if I can move on to something that might be better, no problem there. Most of the time moving on excludes something I like.
Mojo I was seriously annoyed because he so frequently had an "out of commission" sign up on his sexual door. JJ, that is your new business, making "out of commission" signs.
