Again the only reason I state this is because I think the transitional stage, where you accept that you feel what you feel BUT stop putting the blame on someone else, is am important stage. Once you fully absorb that stage then moving on to look at how you let yourself feel certain emotions when certain things happen is another interesting stage.
I think this is an excellent point modifying the excellent suggestion made by LP. For instance, it would have been slightly ridiculous and somewhat dishonest for me to say to my 2bx "I let myself feel hurt, inadequate and rejected when you said that I was too nerdy to f*ck" when clearly his intention wasn't to make me feel great by saying it. So maybe sometimes it is good to add a line to such statements such as "but really I should have felt angry because that might have been more productive in leading me to a state of "don't give a cr*p what you say" or if I existed on some much higher plane I might have felt compassion for anyone who was such a loser that they felt the need to say such a thing."
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Well, I haven't said any of those things to him - maybe I will, maybe I won't. We go to the ST later this afternoon so maybe it will come up there - probably it will because he usually asks us what we felt when doing our "homework" and it might be a better place to vent too
All in all, I can't really complain. The man has been taking his regimented showers by himself for the past 62 years (having been in the armed forces for a few years doesn't exactly help loosen him up either) so considering we had one massage and one shower together in the past 10 days is 200% improvement now isn't it?
I have to look at the positives and stop focusing on the negatives
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
H's friend called this morning and wanted H to meet him at the truck stop for a coffee around 10:00 am - no biggee. There was a car show on that H and I were going to go to but we had heard it was cancelled so H was going to check it out and if it was still on, come and get me and we would all go together.
So, it is now just after 12 and H calls, says they dropped by and there were a few cars but for the most part it wasn't a go. They (H and friend) looked around at the cars that were there and they are now "grabbing something to eat" and he'll be home later.
When I stayed home earlier, I figured it was a good time to catch on some other things that needed to be done while H had some "guy time" so I wasn't put out but now I feel like I am second fiddle again. I think the part that ticks me off the most is, as much as I like this guy, I really don't like his behaviour lately. His wife died 4 years ago and from about 6 months after her death he has been having an affair with one of the neighbours. The twist in all of this is, he is friends with the woman's H and the H thinks the world of this guy because he fills in (in more ways than he would care to imagine) when he is out of town (he drives longhaul too). The wife has Lupus and MS and sometimes needs assistance with things around the house and this friend of my H's is always there to lend a hand (he's like that with everyone, not just her).
But, here we are, trying to piece our M together and H is spending time with this guy that, quite frankly, I think needs a swift kick in the rump. He is always bitching about this woman and how selfish she is and yet he doesn't think anything of taking another man's wife - that's not selfish?
Of course, after H has spent some time with him he brings the subject up about how he doesn't think its right what he's doing, how the hell am I suppose to reply to that one? Birds of a feather?
It just makes me want to scream
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
it would have been slightly ridiculous and somewhat dishonest for me to say to my 2bx "I let myself feel hurt, inadequate and rejected when you said that I was too nerdy to f*ck" when clearly his intention wasn't to make me feel great by saying it. So maybe sometimes it is good to add a line to such statements such as "but really I should have felt angry
Very good point, e.g., "when you told me I was too nerdy to fcuk, I let myself feel hurt, etc., when what I should have done was kick your sorry a$$ to the curb for being so mean to me!"
or "...what I should have done was refused to tolerate one minute more of such abuse."
If it were me, I'd certainly be angry when he kicked me to the back burner like that. Anger is a completely reasonable response IMHO.
The "I let myself feel" stuff works better when both of you are making an effort to be open and communicative. I feel that he is testing you in some way, almost seeing what he can get away with. And I feel that you're fed up with his behavior and are seeking to convict him (not saying that is inappropriate on your part at all).
I think that your H is trying to get you to put up the kind of boundaries that a Mommy would put up so that he will feel more secure. What you need to do instead is put up the kind of boundaries that a female peer would put up. Put up boundaries that are more "selfish" than "selfless". (Instead of "If you don't learn to play nice and share, I will do X" indicate "Give me back my shiny fun toy or I will do Y" )Don't feel like you have to justify or qualify your desires. If you fear an angry response to setting "selfish" boundaries then you need to examine your childish dependencies within the relationship. If you fear that you will "hurt" your H by setting selfish boundaries then you need to examine the ways in which you are encouraging childish dependency from your H within the relationship.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Actually, if I am brutally honest with you, I think you ought to leave your H and hook up with someone like Lou. The two of you would make a perfect couple. Of course, both your H and his W would be crying in their soup after you left (not unlike somebody I know quite well) but that is not your problem. I am not advocating any sort of infidelity here, just stating my honest opinion that you can do much better and Lou is a good example of Mr.MuchBetter or, really, he would be a good example of Mr.MuchBetter if he were single.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
So, it is now just after 12 and H calls, says they dropped by and there were a few cars but for the most part it wasn't a go. They (H and friend) looked around at the cars that were there and they are now "grabbing something to eat" and he'll be home later So, why didn't your H invite you to go along with them or do what I do. Eat half a lunch with a friend then come home and eat the other half with my W.
Ok so why am I feeling rejected? As I was reading this post, the words "Left out," "HW was second priority," "double standard" came to mind.
Mojo Actually, if I am brutally honest with you, I think you ought to leave your H and hook up with someone like Lou. MoJo, i don't know what to say.
I don't want to be one of those guys that takls while sticking my or someone elses foot in my or someone's mouth.
I too wondered which individuals would make a good match when I read other people's stories. Match making on the forum is a simple solutions on paper but not easy to do IRL.
Lou is a good example of Mr.MuchBetter or, really, he would be a good example of Mr.MuchBetter if he were single. Thanks for the vote of confidence. Not being single is sort of a limiting factor, isn't it?
