Nicky, glad you bumped this b/c I don't get a lot of browsing time and missed it. Interesting thread, hf.
One theory I have is that people follow patterns in w/drawal that they've learned from other times in life or from examples. My H's parents had a nasty D and pretty much never communicated after that (unless over later legal issues) and only ever saw each other at their kids' weddings. H has pushed me away ever since the bomb (3+ years ago) -- looking back over the years I can see that almost every contact since then was initiated by me or was b/c he wanted something (note that we had no kids). Once he got the D (which luckily wasn't nasty) he stopped all contact (a number of months now). It's easy to believe I'll never see him again unless we bump into each other at some IL family thing.
Possibly the ADs H has been on for a condition he was diagnosed w/ many years ago made the complete disengagement from me easier. I don't have much of a window into his level of w/drawal from others but it at least includes me, my family and some former colleagues and has gone on for years. I don't ask ILs about him but hear every now and then that he's visited so I don't think the w/drawal has been universal, just from those he decided he didn't need in his life anymore. I know some go thru a complete w/drawal that signals progress of sorts but I also believe some never do.
Also I also don't want to discourage anyone too much about As, but if it's w/ a gf from school days there's already a bond there so it's a different story. My H has settled down w/ his and they've been together 2+ years now (possibly they are M now or will be soon, though no one has told me). The first A he had when he dropped the bomb was w/ a very young co-worker and lasted about half a year, I do think that May-December thing is harder to sustain.
Okay, I'm a little confused if H is in withdrawl stage or has accepted things the way they are is moving on.
We have been separated since October 2004 and filed D in July 2005. OW was in the picture (that I'm aware of) from December 2005 to November/December 2006. Since his leaving in 2004 he has done the back/forth thing. Last time he lived with me was October 2006 for two weeks. H announced he preferred to be by himelf because he doesn't have to answer to anyone. We decided to follow through with D. Shortly after that he wanted to "try" to make it work. In December 2006 and January 2007 we would meet for lunch.
In mid-February 2007 this is where I expect the Withdrawl began. The phone calls suddenly came to a halt. H did make contact D13 every now and then but not me. In mid-April he started coming by the house to visit with D13 briefly and we would be cordial to each other.
Out of the blue the first week of May we had sex. We began having sex at least once a week up until 2 weeks ago. I began to think back to the phone calls he made to me and I realized they were only when he wanted to have sex with me. H did call me last week to let me know he wouldn't be able to give me any child support until the following week. He explained he got a traffic ticket that he needed to pay and he was sorry for putting this on me (having me wait for child support).
H is contacting D13 more and is even having her for the weekend next week. H has not had D13 visit with him since his leaving in October.
Does anyone think H is in Withdrawl or has this separation finally run it's course for him and now he wants nothing more but move on with his life without me in it?
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
Okay, I'm a little confused if H is in withdrawl stage or has accepted things the way they are is moving on.
We have been separated since October 2004 and filed D in July 2005. OW was in the picture (that I'm aware of) from December 2005 to November/December 2006. Since his leaving in 2004 he has done the back/forth thing. Last time he lived with me was October 2006 for two weeks. H announced he preferred to be by himelf because he doesn't have to answer to anyone. We decided to follow through with D. Shortly after that he wanted to "try" to make it work. In December 2006 and January 2007 we would meet for lunch.
In mid-February 2007 this is where I expect the Withdrawl began. The phone calls suddenly came to a halt. H did make contact D13 every now and then but not me. In mid-April he started coming by the house to visit with D13 briefly and we would be cordial to each other.
Out of the blue the first week of May we had sex. We began having sex at least once a week up until 2 weeks ago. I began to think back to the phone calls he made to me and I realized they were only when he wanted to have sex with me. H did call me last week to let me know he wouldn't be able to give me any child support until the following week. He explained he got a traffic ticket that he needed to pay and he was sorry for putting this on me (having me wait for child support).
H is contacting D13 more and is even having her for the weekend next week. H has not had D13 visit with him since his leaving in October.
Does anyone think H is in Withdrawl or has this separation finally run it's course for him and now he wants nothing more but move on with his life without me in it?
Hard to say, I would think in withdraw he would have little contact with you or anyone else. I am thinking this is a touch and go on his part, meaning that he is testing to see if you are still his "safety net" I don't have any evidence to prove it, but its just a hunch of mine based on what you said. I would be very cautious if I were you.
Not having had this experience, and I am not talking about the sex with you ... but the other mlc stuff ... it is easy to say there is no easy answer.
I wish RCR RollerCoasterRider was back to posting to speak to this with her recent experience and extensive reading.
What is easy to read from articles like TheSixStages state that they first reconnect with the kids, old friends that they cut off in the beginning, etc. The spouse is usually the last.
Since you two had begun to be physical again, your H would have sounded like he wanted to return to parts of his old life. Maybe he tried and scared himself off ... for now. Don't over analyze this or anything he says ~ does.
The fact that he is still working on his R with your girl is positive. I say that aside from his R with you. It is good for both of them to restore what he has begun to miss. It is also good for him to feel he is safe and not rejected. Now it is up to him to decide who he is, who he wants to become again. You have shown him he is safe with you.
It sounds like at this point he is the only one that can scare himself away ... if it is true there is no OW. They do fight hard when they think they are losing their toy.
Remember that they live in a different time zone and he may have lapses of time where he doesn't realize he has not been in touch with you so much. Yes, he may just be remembering to call when he remembers he has not enjoyed your physical company lately. It is up to you to be available to that or not.
If you set limits, make demands, or imply conditions he may become withdrawn. He has avoided guilt a long time. If his journey is not yet complete, he will continue to do what he must to continue to avoid that guilt. If he returns before he has faced his actions I am afraid things may not go well for you for long. Be very patient and give him time between your visits to digest his own meaning of those times. Let him decide you are still willing to live without his company if that is what he wants.
Live your life without waiting on his next signal. Maybe he needs to get a "busy" signal from you every now and then.
Kay, There is a thread on the MLC Resources thread (at the top of this forum) that may help you with your questions about reconnection. The thread is entitled "TMAK--Explanation of Reconnection".
I suspect he's such flying by every now and then to see if you are still there for him. Once they withdraw, it's highly unusual for them to stay in contact w/family, etc. They go into a hole and stay there for a period of time.
Live your life without waiting on his next signal. Maybe he needs to get a "busy" signal from you every now and then.
Was2sad,
I'm going to try that today. H just called to let me know he has child support for me and that he could drop it off at my house after he gets off work. For the last 6 weeks this usually meant "hooking" up. I would normally leave work early to meet him at my house. But today I'm going to stay until quitting time and if he asks me to "meet" him I'm going to tell him that I can't - as much as I would love to though
Snodderly,
I just got through reading the first page of "TMAK--Explanation of Reconnection" and I need to finish the rest when I get some free time. A lot of what you written makes sense. I'm thankful that I hadn't pressured H into anything since his leaving 8 months ago. I've been letting him take the lead so to speak.
Just something off the subject. When H just called me he sounded like he was in his truck and I could here the song It's Not Over by Chris Daughtry beginning to play (H was turning the sound up and down). From the beginning of our R H would always dedicate songs to me as a way for him to express how he feels for me. Some good and some not so good. I'm trying not to analyze it but it just struck me odd.
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
Here is the key phrase from your post asking if withdrawal or did he make up his mind to go.
Quote:
I began to think back to the phone calls he made to me and I realized they were only when he wanted to have sex with me.
You realized it. That is the good part. Men have a funny habit of going back to the last place they had sex. We know how to do this. I saw an ex-GF of mine almost 20 years after I left her for my ex. All I had to do was snap my fingers and I could have had sex. I didn't but I knew where to go if I wanted to.
Let's face it. You can read all you want. All it does is spin you in circles trying to figure out where he is. I read that MLC can take 3-10 years if indeed it is MLC. You have two choices. You can try and figure out where he is (I have seen people stay mired in a funk for the rest of their lives - you know 30, 40 years). Or you can live your life.
Again, it is good that you realize he was coming for the sex. That is the important thing. Move forward in your life. Life is too short to figure out where someone is.
Men have a funny habit of going back to the last place they had sex. We know how to do this. I saw an ex-GF of mine almost 20 years after I left her for my ex. All I had to do was snap my fingers and I could have had sex. I didn't but I knew where to go if I wanted to.
Interesting. Never saw that articulated before. My H did "snap his fingers" for ex-gf he'd broken up w/ in school decades ago. Not the "last place" he'd had sex, but one of the places nonetheless (and they've been back together 2+ years now).
You have two choices. You can try and figure out where he is (I have seen people stay mired in a funk for the rest of their lives - you know 30, 40 years). Or you can live your life.
IMP
You"re Right!!!!! Don't spend your time figuring out their life, get busy and make a good life for yourself.
