I'm not suprised that you aren't chomping (couldn't resist that one) at the bit to do your H's sexual bidding if your needs aren't getting met. However, that doesn't absolve you from figuring out how to get your marriage to the point that you can negotiate his sexual needs AND your relational needs and I don't necessarily mean talking it to death. What happens if you call you H on his "meaness"? What happens if you say to your H, "Maybe you would get laid more if you didn't treat me like sh*t". I mean honey, if you know what the problem is what are YOU doing to solve it? The whole solution doesn't reside in your camp but whatever has been happening isn't solving anything so probably the status quo will have to get shifted when YOU shift it.
As for the kinky factor - was it like that when you were dating? If so, what changed for you? Did you think it would be different after the I do's? After the kids? There are some pretty kinky people on this site which is not an issue in and of itself - if both people like it that way then there is no problem. If both started out that way or that was the standard operating procedure then one person changed - well, re-negotiation is in order.
FWIW - I do completely understand why you have no desire for a workaholic guy who is mean and nasty a good bit of the time and doesn't help with the kids. He needs to see the connections. What about sexual desire in general? Do you feel it other times? It is important to find your sexuality for yourself not just him. Don't you want good sex occasionally? Just for you? Your way? If so, then you need to work on getting him to meet that need too. When you explore that and understand your own needs then it ceases to be that boring old sterotype of he wants and she doesn't it (my apologies to Dr. Laura who has it all wrong for my household and my situation unless I get to be the "husband" part of the book).
