I have been married for 16 years, we have 2 sons, one is 4 the other is 18mos. We have had our share of problems, but lately it's gotten bad. My question is, without having the time to post my stich yet, Is there something with men only feeling closeness to their wives when they are ML? I should say sex, beacause my h is extremely kinky and this is just what if feels for me 90% of the time. I can't get passed it. Its all that is on his mind. He is really moody and mean when he doesn't get it 2 to 3 times a wk. I know im not as sexually active as his is, plus I have two small children who sleep very poorly, which by the way he doesn't care.
I feel that this is all he likes about me. He works ALOT, and owns his own business. I've tried to talk to him about it and he dismisses it. Sometimes I think I really made a big mistake in staying with him this long. He can be very cruel at times and thinks he works so much harder than me (im a stay at home mom) although he does NOTHING around the house, or takes care of the kids or the book work for his business or the estimates.. I do it all. He absoultely thinks that I have it made... ok Im rambling.. I will post my stitch tomorrow, but just wanted to get some feed back from the men out there on how they feel sexually about their wives and the emotional needs you have.
Thanks...
Me: 35 Him: 42 kids: 4 and 1 year and 1/2 married 16 years
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
I was married to that. Notice the operative word... "was." Your H is stuck in entitlement mode... "I have a need, you MUST meet it. And if you don't, then you are an x,y,z (fill in your string of cruel lines and names)."
Boy... talk about your turn on's, huh? Whew... let me rip my clothes off and have at 'em!
Uh... NOT.
Soooo..... what is the problem, exactly? You're feeling like a horrible, awful withholding woman because he says you have it made... and you don't want to jump his bones?
Okay. Re-read the post a few times... let it soak in... and then try and answer.
Here's the way it is. Your husband got married, he assumed the responsibility of providing for you. Which he does. He also assumed the responsibility of sharing in the raising of the children. Whether he's doing that is unclear - if he's leaving you with the whole load then yes, he's being unfair and needs to shape up his act.
Your husband also assumes the responsibility of caring for your emotional needs. Yes, he assumes the responsibility of listening to you talk about the kids for an hour or two if that's what it takes.
BUT WHEN A WOMAN GETS MARRIED SHE ALSO ASSUMES RESPONSIBILITY FOR SEEING TO IT THAT WITHIN REASON SHE MEETS HIS SEXUAL NEEDS, BECAUSE THAT IS THE MAIN THING HE GETS MARRIED FOR. Everything else a woman can give a man except sex, he could get a lot more easily - and cheaply - and with far fewer strings attached - by simply sharing an apartment with a male roommate. Companionship? Check. Friendship? Check. Someone to share the finances? Check. Someone to talk to (or better yet someone who WON'T spend all night talking when he's not in the mood for endless conversation? Check.
Your husband does fine on "two to three times a week?" That's reasonable, and not too much to ask. Considering he works eight hours plus per day for you...plus hopefully shares in the rearing of the children when he's home...it is the LEAST you can do to put out for him "two to three times a week." Put another way...how would you like it if he didn't talk to you and listen to your problems at least "two to three times a week?" Doesn't sound acceptable, does it? Well denying him sex is also equally unacceptable.
A woman who can't understand why "two to three times a week" is a perfectly reasonable request and a small price to pay for the benefits of being married is a woman who has no business getting married in the first place. None.
I would like to think men are a lot less shallow than that and I am NOT being sarcastic or unrealistic.
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it is the LEAST you can do to put out for him "two to three times a week
She is NOT a machine - the "least" she can do - oh pleeeeeeez
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and a small price to pay for the benefits of being married
I would like to think that M is not a reward system and that the "benefits" should be mutual
I don't know what kind of a M you are in, but I know for a fact I did NOT get married for the reasons you have stated. If all a man gets married for is sex, he can get that elsewhere "without any strings" too.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
No, Heywire, she's not a machine. (If all a man wanted were a "machine" he could get that more easily and cheaply too!!!)
I do apologize having skimmed over tiredandlost's explicit statement that her husband DOES leave all the work for her to do. Yep, that's a serious problem, and he needs to seriously straighten up in that regard for the sake of his marriage.
But tiredandlost did want to hear honest opinions. And I for one am not going to post hear saying that she shouldn't feel guilty for not being willing to satisfy him sexually. Sorry, but it is an expectation of marriage and a firmly understood albeit unspoken element of the marriage contract! And when I say "sex is the main thing he gets married for" I am NOT saying that sex is "the main thing that he is attracted to, loves, and wants to spend the rest of his life with her for." But ALL those other things other than sex - HE DOESN'T HAVE TO MARRY HER FOR. (Actually if he doesn't have any morals he doesn't even have to marry her for sex). The old saying says a man won't buy the cow if he can get the milk for free. But when the cow stops producing milk after he's paid the price to buy her, there's no mechanism by which he can get his money back!
I am also standing equally firm in the statement that tiredandlost needs to seriously shape up every bit as much as he does. If she cares anything about her husband or her marriage, she needs to run, not walk, and pick up the nearest copy of Laura Schlessinger's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands."
She needs to read it.
She needs to study it.
She needs to accept it.
And she needs to live it.
Effective immediately, and for the rest of however many years she wishes to remain married.
And if and when she's willing to get off her butt and do that, she will very likely just find that that miserable one-track-mind animal of a sex maniac that she thinks she's married to is a lot more friendly and helpful around the house. Maybe even that he's the loving and caring spouse that she originally thought she was marrying.
If a woman isn't willing to have regular and frequent sex, then she doesn't have any right to get married: she belongs in a convent.
Tiredandlost it's really not any good to make generalizations about "men" or "women" it more about your husband and you. Many people confuse sex with intimacy or use sex as a way to make them selves feel better or more "manly" or "womanly" sounds like there is a lot going on in your relationship that isn't out in the open between the two of you.
TAL While its absolutely NOT unreasonable for a man to want to ML 2 or 3 times a week it is easy to see why his behaviour is causing you to lose the desire to participate.
If a man is constantly being verbally abusive then of course she will lose the desire and sex will become undesirable to her. If he is not taking time to arouse you and just using your body then it can be painful.
The resentment you feel over having to do everything alone I understand as my H was the same and he never appreciated how tiring it was for me A little thoughtfulness would have made me more receptive to desiring him. Finding a way to get this across is difficult but not impossible.
The difficulty is knowing whether you changed after the children were born or if he has always been this way. Some men are jealous because the children are the centre of attention and they become just the paycheck.
Not sure what you mean by kinky I mean my friends XH liked to be whipped and wear womens lingerie but didn't have penetration with her. That to me is kinky anything else don't really know unless he enjoys being really rough with you. Playful rough fine butthere is a line between playful and nasty like biting hard is nasty.
He is really moody and mean when he doesn't get it 2 to 3 times a wk.
Me too. Ok not really the mean part, but my mood definitely changes. I think the word is..... horny. Yep. thats the word. So yeah Im one of those moody guys.
But really ....only 2 or 3 times a week,huh? I think you got it pretty easy. I cant think of any other important bodily function that I do that only happens 2 or 3 times a week. Heck I usually eat 6 times a day, and brush my teeth as many and neither one of those is NEARLY as fun.
He .. thinks he works so much harder than me ...... I do it all.
I think you both have a bad case of-- poor me.
My question is, without having the time to post my stich yet, Is there something with men only feeling closeness to their wives when they are ML? I should say sex, beacause my h is extremely kinky and this is just what if feels for me 90% of the time. It just feels like sex for you? Is that a bad feeling? It doesnt feel like ML? Is that what you are saying? Has his 'extreme kink' changed recently or is it same as it ever was?
In all honesty, you do have a 4 year old and a 18 month old child. Unless you want to have more children, there really is no need to have sex anymore. Is there?
BUT WHEN A WOMAN GETS MARRIED SHE ALSO ASSUMES RESPONSIBILITY FOR SEEING TO IT THAT WITHIN REASON SHE MEETS HIS SEXUAL NEEDS, BECAUSE THAT IS THE MAIN THING HE GETS MARRIED FOR Dude, I am staggering under the weight of this responsibility and I am not even a woman. I do feel as if I just got my hair blow dryed standing in a roaring wind though. Tell me how you really feel now, and dont hold back.
BECAUSE THAT IS THE MAIN THING HE GETS MARRIED FOR Holy crap... such a concept boggles the mind. Man if I were you I would be royally peeved, after finding out that it took more to bang my W, then showing up at home after working all day.
But when the cow stops producing milk after he's paid the price to buy her, there's no mechanism by which he can get his money back!
Using this analogy, I believe the way you recover your losses is too make hamburger. There is no guarantee. You buy in good faith, and hopefully not in ignorance. The ignorant have no business buying dairy cattle. They require ALOT of maintenance. ALOT. all day every day. No vacation. you got to feed em, care for them, medicate them, doctor them, clean up their sh!t, tend the fences, and milk em thrice daily or the production drops off. hmm maybe the analogy isnt so bad....
If a woman isn't willing to have regular and frequent sex, then she doesn't have any right to get married: she belongs in a convent.
END OF STORY.
I have a question. Your belief that she belongs in a convent.... does that apply to your W? and if you believe she belongs in a convent, is she currently acting like a nun? you know... celibate?
So I guess my question is.... How is that belief working out for you?
Not sure what you mean by kinky I mean my friends XH liked to be whipped and wear womens lingerie but didn't have penetration with her. Shhh. dont give TaL any ideas. she probably allready fantasizes about whipping her H, while he cleans the house in a french maids outfit.
Playful rough fine but there is a line between playful and nasty like biting hard is nasty. I KNOW!!! WHAT IS UP WITH THAT!!! Apparently, there is a lot of nasty women out there. Right off the top of my head...x, JJ, chrissy,.... I was terrified of getting lost in the wilderness with x. She would have eaten me. Always biting my arms and shoulders like a damn steak. sheesh.
and now I have janet jacksons song nasty girls in my head. Thanks for that. Not.
While its absolutely NOT unreasonable for a man to want to ML 2 or 3 times a week it is easy to see why his behaviour is causing you to lose the desire to participate.
Thank you for that sentence. Let me take this opportunity to make it perfectly clear that I agree 100 percent with BOTH parts of that statement. And I absolutely agree that tired's husband needs to change his behavior every bit as much as she does. They BOTH are at fault here...but I will dare say it is EQUALLY, despite the seeming tendency of some people to be much more sympathetic to her than to him. They BOTH need strong words, they BOTH need a kick in the you-know-where, and if it were tired's husband here I'd have some equally harsh words for him. And deep down I don't think it would really take much to get some communication going, for them to settle this issue between the two of them - after all they have been married for this long already and that doesn't just happen without a lot of strength in the rest of the relationship. But since it's tired who asked for advice here, and not her husband, then it is my advice I'm giving her. Since SHE rather than HE has taken the time to ask for advice on how to make things better, then SHE might as well be the one to take the next step. He's got to get his sex to feel better about doing the things he should be doing; SHE's got to get his help around the house in order to feel more like having sex. If both keep waiting until the other cooperates before taking that first step towards changing the negative cycle to a positive one, they're going to go through the rest of their lives waiting.
And about cows and hamburgers (other post) - yes, any informed would-be husband should and must know up front the expenses of feeding and caring for the "cow." And expect that. But the point is he also has the right to expect the milk in return. There are benefits to having a nice cow around the house - and not just hamburger either. But if that cow doesn't produce milk, the owner deep down isn't getting all he paid for (and continues to pay for).
As for whether my wife belongs in a convent...no. Believe it or not I do love my wife far too much to say that. She's no "cow" either! I AM extremely sexually frustrated and I AM letting off a lot of steam in some of these posts (hey, I don't post here that often, what do you expect? I hold it in until the lid blows off! ) Just as many of you were (rightfully) ticked by that line "sex is all he gets married for" which I know was an extreme over the top exaggeration (with more than a grain of truth nonetheless) - I was EQUALLY ticked off by tired's implication that two to three times a week was unreasonable. The fact of the matter is that she should thank her lucky stars he doesn't ask her for it every day...as many healthy men who truly loved their wives would.
Most men are raised under the teaching that they need to be prepared to take responsibility for a woman's needs - financial, security, emotional, etc. just as many in this thread rightfully say is the case. The problem is that women should EQUALLY (but unfortunately aren't) raised with the understanding that THE NORMAL HEALTHY MAN HAS A VERY POWERFUL SEX DRIVE AND THAT HER FUTURE HUSBAND WILL EXPECT AND HAS A RIGHT TO EXPECT HER TO SATISFY IT. It may sound "shallow" and be "politically incorrect" to say things like that, but nonetheless it's the truth and would-be wives would be far better off if they considered it before getting married. For a wife to become a sexual refuser after marriage is as much a dereliction of her responsibility as it would be for a working husband to quit his job and become a bum after marriage. Yet we as a society tend to go soft on women who do just that, while contining to hold husbands up to the perfect standard. These wives - like and including tiredandlost - deserve to be cracked down on just as much. I don't care HOW much time you spend with the kids, if you're "too tired" to lie back and have a few minutes of fun, you're in bad physical shape and maybe need to either start an exercise program or check into a hospital for critical care, because you're a basket case. Sex is not a demanding activity. It isn't like climbing Mount Everest. So any man who hears the "I'm too tired" excuse has a right to consider his intelligence insulted.
I'm not suprised that you aren't chomping (couldn't resist that one) at the bit to do your H's sexual bidding if your needs aren't getting met. However, that doesn't absolve you from figuring out how to get your marriage to the point that you can negotiate his sexual needs AND your relational needs and I don't necessarily mean talking it to death. What happens if you call you H on his "meaness"? What happens if you say to your H, "Maybe you would get laid more if you didn't treat me like sh*t". I mean honey, if you know what the problem is what are YOU doing to solve it? The whole solution doesn't reside in your camp but whatever has been happening isn't solving anything so probably the status quo will have to get shifted when YOU shift it.
As for the kinky factor - was it like that when you were dating? If so, what changed for you? Did you think it would be different after the I do's? After the kids? There are some pretty kinky people on this site which is not an issue in and of itself - if both people like it that way then there is no problem. If both started out that way or that was the standard operating procedure then one person changed - well, re-negotiation is in order.
FWIW - I do completely understand why you have no desire for a workaholic guy who is mean and nasty a good bit of the time and doesn't help with the kids. He needs to see the connections. What about sexual desire in general? Do you feel it other times? It is important to find your sexuality for yourself not just him. Don't you want good sex occasionally? Just for you? Your way? If so, then you need to work on getting him to meet that need too. When you explore that and understand your own needs then it ceases to be that boring old sterotype of he wants and she doesn't it (my apologies to Dr. Laura who has it all wrong for my household and my situation unless I get to be the "husband" part of the book).
I was terrified of getting lost in the wilderness with x. She would have eaten me. Always biting my arms and shoulders like a damn steak. sheesh. 
) Just as many of you were (rightfully) ticked by that line "sex is all he gets married for" which I know was an extreme over the top exaggeration (with more than a grain of truth nonetheless) - I was EQUALLY ticked off by tired's implication that two to three times a week was unreasonable. The fact of the matter is that she should thank her lucky stars he doesn't ask her for it every day...as many healthy men who truly loved their wives would.