Just a quick note about the value of DB in all parts of life:
Yesterday, I was at my parents' house discussing the issue of buying H out of my house. They are going to help me with it, but now that the house is worth about $60,000 more than I thought, I will need more from them.
So, we get into the discussion, and my dad says, it's not a problem, but it is more than we expected. We can do it, but now there's really no leeway, we'll have nothing to fall back on. He said this in various ways (no extra $ if something happens) about 5 times, no exaggeration.
Consequently, I start getting very anxious. During this time, my mum also answers questions for me twice, and I ask her not to. (big step for me b/c I did it w/o yelling, lol!)
Finally, I say to my dad, "I'm not sure why you keep saying that."
Dad: Because there won't be any safety net.
Me: I feel like you're saying you don't want to give me the money.
Dad: No, it's just that it will be tight for us.
Me: I hear you, but it's making me very anxious. Why do you keep saying that?
Dad: I guess I'm anxious too!
Me: OK, I'll go home and do a mortgage calculation and see how much I need.
I did that, and it was less than I thought (about $30,000 less), so I emailed them today and we'll talk later.
During the conversation, I was getting really nervous, but I stayed calm, externally. I also spoke calmly to both my parents. My father is a very stressed out Type-A person, and it's easy for me to fall into that behaviour when I'm with him. I was really pleased that I was able not to do that. Also, instead of ASSuming that he was giving me some kind of negative message (we don't want to give you this $), I found out that he was just projecting his own anxiety. IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!!
All in all, a good experience.
I'm still kind of stressed about the house though. But I'll deal with it.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I know how these things can raise the anxiety level. As an option don't discount asking your STBX if you can negotiate a lower settlement on the value of the house. Simply state what you have here. Your parents are helping but it will leave them without the safety net they desire. All he can do is say no.
I know you are going through this and there is undoubtably uncertainty associated with it, but my experience has shown that honesty and patience are two wonderful allies in these negotiations.
Glad to here your DB "tools" came in handy, you will find them creeping into your life when you least expect it. Why? They are part of the reward for making the effort!
Enjoy the heck out of your holiday! Tell us all about it when you return.
Too bad I don't know what your H looks like. I'm sure he's attending some conference in downtown Toronto where I work. Maybe I can take a 2X4 and see if I can knock some sense into him.
You handled the conversation with your parents amazingly. It must have felt good to show your strength and confidence. It is obvious that your parents love you very much to help you out.
Enjoy your trip and forget about what you're leaving behind for now. Say Hi to Mickey and Minnie.
Hugs, ISLH
Me: 49 - S22 & S26 H: 41 - No kids M: 10/00 Bomb New Year's Day 2006 H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07 D final 07/07 Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
Great conversation with you parents Nicola. I can understand the stress but try to remember things will work out the way they should. For over a year I stressed about keeping our house and how much I didn't want to move and turns out moving was the best thing for us. Just take it one day at a time.
More importantly ENJOY yourself at Disney I am so jealous!!! Have fun!
Much love
Christy M: 31 H: 33 Married ~ 13 years S12 S8 Bomb 10/05 supposedly ended A 2nd bomb 12/30/05 Separated 01/06 I filed 6/12/07 ~ new ow 3wks after moving out http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1094955&page=0#Post1094955
Nicola, What's great about that conversation is that you are very aware of your emotoins and your reactions. You made a conscious effort to not fall into the same traps you used to. You are emotionally intelligent.
DBing really is less about "winning" our spouse back and more about us finding our own happiness and peace and growth, IMO. Regardless of what happens with our Hs, we are all in a better position for our next R.
Anyway, good job with your dad.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Hope you had a great trip! Just passing by. Loved your post about DB - I can say that about so much other stuff that I would have NEVER read had I not gone through this "process". Some good can be taken from every situation...need to remember that.
Anyway, hope all is well with you...
Still lurking...
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Hi Nic...enjoy your well deserved vacation. One thing is true about DB..it is a way of life. The tools you learn must stick with us forever so we avoid, as we say in medicine, a recurrence.
Thinking of you. Hang in. It WILL get better.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
