Stillme's Chapters Continue Some More

[stillme]

Thanks, Nomo, I'd be interested to hear your slant on things. Had a tough night (and not just cuz I caved & let S sleep w/me. Ugh. One kick in the kidneys when I finally got to sleep, plus his mice-squeak sighs & teeth grinding. Jeez, the kid has issues.) Anyway, fell into a pitiful state and cried like I haven't in a long time. Feel like my parents - as well as H - would all be happier if I just - Pouf! - disappeared. Parents wouldn't have to deal w/the (label) D'd D. H would get to keep everything in his life (all his kids' time, all his $, all his friends' respect...) Am getting better (sleep & coffee are helping) & will be off to church in a while w/the kids (tho prolly choosing a seat way in the back today).

A few things I need to get out of my head:

On F'Day, H took kids to the rest. I had always said I would like to go to for Sunday Brunch. I'm a foo-foo girl at heart, and the (maybe?) 2 times we went there for dinner, I commented about the Brunch and, tho H at the time agreed, he never suggested it and we never went. So, it was a punch to hear that H took the kids for Brunch there for F'Day. Hope he choked on his Eggs Benedict. And I know where I want to go on my firt 'non-date'. (yeah, maybe some of that is leftover pity, but...)

H is (according to kids) wanting to buy a larger house (tho in our same neighborhood) - altho (pre-Bomb) he'd argued against it & was all about 'making do' w/this (smaller) house/note for at least 5 yrs. The new house has/a 2-car + boat storage garage and a downstairs MIL-suite (or Mother, in his case -- the only way he could 'have' the kids 50% of the time w/his job/travel).

H is LAVISHING love & attention, time & $$ on the kids and, believe me, it is wonderful (for the most part) but most of it is/are things that I had begged, nagged & given up on his ever doing - either w/the kids or w/me!! Ex. The ONE time he agreed to do a Family Game/Pizza night, he arrived home [after work he HAD TO go to jj] 1/2 hr b/f the kids' bedtime (school night). Now he buys games & makes a point of saying he/kids NEVER watch tv: they play games or are out having fun. Slap! He had plans (fell thru b/c of his work) to take the kids to a Disney waterpark - tho when I really wanted to (pre-Bomb) it was too much $, not necessary (beaches nearby), disdained b/c it was 'touristy' & taught the kids that fun had to be paid for... Slap! He leaves 'love' notes for D (her LL), tho I'd suggested it as a way for him to connect w/the kids around his being 'gone' so much (pre-Bomb) & tho he INSISTS "this LL stuff is cr*p". SLAP!

There's more, but this is not helping. It's like he's making a Good R w/the kids & Life for himself USING me (my ideas, wants, needs) but WITHOUT me. Make sense?

So, while on the one hand I see that he's (prolly) been considering our past talks/disagreements (building a better R-wise) & implementing now alot of what he denied or fought against then -seeing that I was - perhaps? - right? he's obviously determined to be a New/Better Daddy alone (as in I-Don't-Need-No-Stinkin'-W & My-Kids-Will-Be-Better-Off-and-LOOK!-I'll-Prove-It). It's like he's playing the role of Widower already. Damm. Off to church.