My story - part 6

[JustDontKnow]

I'm the lucky one ST!

Haven't talked to my wife since Sat, she sent me a txt msg about noon yesterday with:

Wife: "Sup"
Me: "Working like a mad man & pulling out the rest of my hair in the process. How about u? Did u get Sat off for the game?"
Wife: "Are you going to fly here?"
Me: "Not sure. Once I know about Sat I will figure out the rest"
Wife: "I'll let you know soon have a good one"
Me: "K. U 2"

So I waited and waited, mistaking "I'll let you know soon" as meaning something. I need to know if I'm going this weekend to see her since I need to make plans, get tickets, decide if I'm driving or flying, get my mom home, plus one of my kid's friends wants to come here. If I drive I can take my mom home and bring the friend back, that will save about $1000 in airline flights and cost me $200 maybe in gas and about 16 hrs of driving round trip. Anyhow my mom is waiting to see what I'm going to do so she'll know how she is getting home, I'm waiting for my wife to either step up or tell me she'd rather me not come.

Today I got this txt msg:
Wife: "Just take me to a game there"
Me: "K"
Wife: "What u doing making millions"
Me: "Yup"
Wife: "What's wrong"
Me: "Just a little disappointed but that is my fault. I will be fine"
Wife: "Did your team lose?"
Me: "Softball team?"
Wife: "Ya"
Me: "Don't know if they won or not while I was gone"
Wife: "Do you play when I'm there?"
Me: "Nope season is over. Mid July is our championship tournment"
Wife: "K ttul"

So now I can plan around the fact she doesn't want me to come this weekend. That means buying a flight home for my mom and a flight here for S13's friend, about $500, but saves me from buying baseball tickets and flights for me to go see my wife. Found her an anniversary card yesterday that wasn't full of "you're the best" or "thanks for loving me" or all the other stuff I can't tell her anymore. It is a kind of light hearted card, didn't seem to say anything too bad, have to figure out if I'm just sending the card or anything with it and get it in the mail today or tomorrow so it'll be there by Fri/Sat.

Going to IC today with my mom, again tomorrow too. Took apart the riding lawn mower to fix and sharpen the blades, ended up breaking off 2 bolts that were seized up, so that turned into a bigger project than I thought, still isn't fixed, but S15 and I spent some quality time together working on it. His GF is back in town so he'll be distracted now and it will be back to me and S13 on a daily basis. Brought S13 to work with me today, he is bored already after 30 mins and it looking for a ride home, funny, yesterday home was boring and now he has a list of 5-6 things he could be doing at home instead of stuck here at work with me.

-JDK

[JustDontKnow]

Went to IC session this afternoon and took my mom with me. IC asked my mom questions all about everything from her pregnacy with me thru my teenage years. I actually learned a lot about stuff that I'd never asked about or knew about, it was good. We're both going back again tomorrow before my mom leaves on Thursday to go home.

Found a Men's group at church that meets every Thuesday night, planning to go to that tonight. There is also a Marriage Enrichment group that meets every other Wednesday night starting tomorrow. I contacted the leader of the group to see if me coming alone would be appropriate or not, but he wasn't in his office so I left him a message. He is the guy I met with a couple weeks ago when my wife said she'd go with me to talk with him and then she backed out, he also baptised me the day after that. So he knows what is going on with me and should be able to let me know if I should show up tomorrow night or not.

Take care all,
-JDK

[S.T. _I Made It!]

told ya kids are selfish! I can totally see my s8 acting just like that. okay, he IS just like that! lol.

I know your disappointed bout the anni, but I really think this is best. I just know you would have been even more disappointed had you guys been together.

On the gift or just the card, do the 180. I think most here would say, don't give a gift, but if you think giving a gift would be a 180, then maybe do it.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Glad IC went good. Did your mom get anything out of it? Very cool about the mens group, that should be really good for you. Maybe even meet a new friend/friends to hang out with.

[JustDontKnow]

Thanks for the support ST, I was just trying to go do something together with my wife that we both enjoy, no pressure, no big expectations, guess even being around me must be too much for her, dunno, can't worry about it.

Gift-wise, a 180 for me would be to totally ignore an occasion since I've always made a point of giving gifts and recognizing holidays and birthdays and whatnot. Maybe I'll just send the card and leave it at that, it is a lot less than I'd have done in the past and less than I did for Mother's Day (well in the kids' names for that, nothing directly from me) or for V-Day or for Christmas or for her Birthday (pre-bomb).

The men's group should be good, since softball is over until the tourney next month it will be good to have some other social interactions and learn something in the process.

My BIL asked about be being gone this weekend to see my wife (his sister) and I told him the boys came home early and that my wife didn't seem to want me to come this weekend so I wasn't going. He was kind of quiet and said "that doesn't sound too good" and he asked about why the boys came back early and I told him that they got bored, that they hardly saw their mom unless they wanted money from her. He said "it doesn't sound like she is coming around" and I told him that I'm just going to keep taking care of things and will give her every opportunity to snap out of it. He told me "things will work out, even if it isn't for the better, one way or the other everything will work out." Talked business for a bit, he has some big meetings on Monday and needs stuff from me before then, plus I had to finish up the budget for 7/1 so he'd know how much $ he needs to wire us to keep the doors open. He said in Vegas that this is the last time he is sending money, that we need to start making money, guess it is time to sink or swim...

-JDK

[JustDontKnow]

Thanks HS!

Went from work to grab some dinner, then to the Men's group at church. It was a great time, learned a lot, met some new people, get to race go-karts with them next Tuesday too! It lasted for about 3 hrs, from 7pm to 10pm. The topic was "A man and his relationships" which included a man's relationship with God, his woman, himself and time. There was also lots of talk about raising your kids and relating to them and preparing them for the future. Also about trying to create a "springboard" to launch them off so they can achieve more than they could on their own and more than you'll be able to do in your own life.

At about 9:20pm my wife sent me "nite sleep tight" and I replied with "U 2". Kind of backwards from our interactions in the past when I'd be the one saying stuff like "sleep tight" and she'd be using short things like "U 2". So I was kind of surprised when 15 mins later she was calling me. I hadn't spoken to her since Saturday, I'd say one of, if not the longest periods of not speaking to her since the bomb. She asked what I was up to, I told her I was at a men's meeting at church, she asked about work and she wanted to know "why I was pulling my hair out" which was a reference to a text message I'd sent her and she wanted to know if I'd sold any of the land we're developing. I told her a bit about what all I need to get done, how there were lots of theories and ideas from the Vegas trip, but I have to figure out how to make it reality and produce the business plan and the spreadsheets that calculate everything, the process flowcharts, and it has to be done before Monday's meetings. Talked about the kids a bit, I asked her how her day was at one point and she just said fine, no details and I didn't press for them. Talked about 8 mins total, I thanked her for calling at one point and said goodnight, but she kept talking about something. Strange to have her calling and showing interest in what I'm doing instead of me being the one doing it.

Talked to my mom a bit tonight after she was done watching the Red Soxs lose (again). We talked a bit about stuff from the IC session, I told her I don't hold anything against her, she has taken responsibility for what she did good and bad. My dad on the other hand has taken no responsibility, but we both have let go of any anger, now it is more a feeling of feeling sorry for his limited life. But he has chosen it, no matter how he was raised, who he continues to be in life is his choice.

Worked in the shop with S15 and S13 on the lawnmower and the Camaro. Still have to broken off bolts to fix on the lawnmower, but got one door hung on the Camaro. Told S15 some things he can work on if he is looking for stuff to do on the Camaro. Didn't get to spend much time with S15 today, but tried to make the best of it.

-JDK

[forever21]

Sounds like some positives, for sure JDK! Stay steady. Keep focusing on you.

[JustDontKnow]

Thanks for the support forever21!

-JDK

[JustDontKnow]

Wife called me today and asked how work was going, I told her I was busy making some flowcharts. I asked her about her day and work, she said it was fine, they were just finishing up a case, her co-worker had the day off. She started talking about the schedule for the kods to fly to see her and her to drive the 3 of them to camp (she is going to be the camp nurse for the week). She had me look up the camp website to get the right dates, I told her the available flight times and she told me which ones she wanted. $500 to book the flights, I sent her the confirmation email with a note that said "I've spent $1000 in the last week for flight for the boys, I'm going to have to buy my own plane to fly them around soon" and I'll see if she volunteers to pay for any of it. She is still talking like she is my good friend, no mention of anything about us or our anniversary on Sat.

Went to IC and took my mom again today, a little more emotional today, first time I've gotten choked up and crying in a couple months I think. Most of it centers around my dad, some of it around my mom sending me away to live with friends of our family because she couldn't handle a teenage boy that was rebelious on her own. IC wants my mom and I to talk about everything I felt back then, for me to finally get rid of all the pain and anger and feelings I've carried around and that everything else has piled up behind for 25 yrs. My mom is all for it, she is very supportive and will do anything for her kids. Took her to lunch afterwards, talked a bit, did a sudoku with her, had a nice time, but already feel a bit drained emotionally by the IC sessions and dealing with my feelings, haven't felt emotionally weak in a while and don't want to go back to feeling that way anymore. But I also don't want to go on the way I have either so I need to continue to face myself and my fears and my anger and my pain and get rid of them once and for all.

Have a marriage group meeting tonight at church, not sure if going solo is the "right thing" to do, but I'm going, guess they can tell me not to come back without my wife if it is a problem. I need to learn all I can and be around good people as much as possible, so I'm going!

-JDK

[tyler]

JDK,
Good for you, attending a marriage group session. I learned a lot about myself and my expectations at a marriage seminar, even though I attended alone. LOL. W suddenly came down with a migraine and couldn't attend. Yup Yup.

I still learned and it was a 180 for me to go to something like that without her.

One thing in your post I would be careful regarding, the $ spent on the kids.

1) It's borderline whining/complaining.

2) My W loved to pass along those little tidbits to my kids so they would know how much "Dad doesn't want to do this because it's costing him money..." but mom "made it happen".

Hmmmm. I learned quickly that what was formerly a conversation between myself and someone that was partnered with me in paying the bills, investing and saving for our future was now none of those things and would use those same conversations now to point out how I was a controlling tightwad.

I learned from reading and studying the materials mentioned on these forums that any complaint, no matter how legit, would be seen as just that, complaining.

Don't give her ammo to shoot you with bro.