Things are ticking along - its the end of the week and H has put off the second part of the "homework" twice now. However, I never mentioned a word about it and it was him that brought it up, saying "is it okay if we put this off to another time" - it was mutual in deciding to put it off, so that's makes all the difference. AND I wasn't the one saying "are we going to do this?"
Another pleasant surprise was when he was going to bed tonight he said "I was getting pretty aroused this morning laying beside you and I know it's going to take some time, but we'll get there, we just have to do it on our time, not someone else's"
I told him that I agreed, however, "our time" has been not doing it at all and I said that as much as it was going to feel a little planned for the next little while, we are going to have to do that to get to that better place - he agreed.
I wonder if he is starting to feel aroused because he knows its forbidden fruit at this point - at least until he gets the results of his tests (July 9th) - 17 days, but who's counting
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Well the homework is being put off for another day but, once again, it was mutual. We both worked today (H since 11:30 last night so he's exhausted) and we then did yardwork when I got home. However, when I was finished (or semi finished) mowing the lawn, he said he would finish it because I needed to go start supper, to which replied "just make something simple". I asked him if he wanted to take a shower before supper and he misunderstood, but I went with the flow. He thought I meant together and said "no let's do that after supper then we can just relax and we can do our massage tomorrow"
It is still VERY hard to trust as I wonder sometimes if he is just trying to deceive me with the good stuff so I won't notice the bad stuff but I have to try and get myself out of that mind set.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Well the shower part of the homework was carried out - with a little frustration on his part
He wanted to take a nap and said to wake him up in an hour and we would take our shower. So I did, gave him a few extra minutes, and then went and told him "I'm going to take MY shower now"
His whole process of taking a shower, drying himself off etc. is very orchestrated and anal really so it seemed like I was just "in the way" so I removed myself from the bathroom and went into the other one to finish up - I don't know if I should have but I didn't want to frustrate him any further. I guess I should have said something to him, maybe I will today like "you seemed like you were a little annoyed/frustrated yesterday" and see how that goes
We are supposed to do the massage today (according to H) but we have some running around to do today and I know his friend is coming back into town after being away for about two weeks so that might get squashed - we'll see how intent he is on doing this
We go to see the ST tomorrow and that should be interesting
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I guess I should have said something to him, maybe I will today like "you seemed like you were a little annoyed/frustrated yesterday" and see how that goes
Just a small point, but IMHO, it's better if you tell him how YOU felt rather than making a statement about how you thought he felt. Do you see how talking about his hypothetical feelings keeps you in hiding instead of exposing yourself?
So think back to the sitch and figure out exactly how you felt and state that to him without accusing him of doing anything wrong. And state some REAL feelings-- take the risk. Avoid "frustrated,"* "disappointed," "confused"-- stuff like that. Tell him you were angry, sad, afraid. Figure out what you DON'T want to admit-- and then tell him that.
Expose yourself, be vulnerable-- without accusing him. Be naked.
___________________ *re: "frustrated"-- a therapist once told me that frustration isn't a feeling; it's the blockage of feeling, and that stuck with me, so I resist using that term. Under frustration, you'll usually find anger, fear, sadness-- something like that, closer to the bone.
So then, would it be better to say something like "I felt like I was in your way yesterday after we took our shower together" ??
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Well, you're still not saying what your feeling WAS exactly.
When you make the statement "I felt THAT"-- you're describing a situation, not saying how you felt. Once again, your statement "I felt that I was in your way" is stating how HE felt, not how YOU felt.
So, how did YOU feel when you were telling yourself that you were in his way? Give this some thought. This is not an easy thing to come up with.
You could say something like: "It seemed to me that I was in your way, and I felt _____ and _____."
I'd say pick no more than three from this list: (Print this list out and keep it handy. It can help you know what's going on inside of you.)
Abandoned Abused Agony Afraid Alienated Alone Angry Annoyed Anxious Apprehensive Ashamed At a loss Awkward Bad Betrayed Better-than Blame (self or other) Bored Burdened Cheated Concerned Confused Crazy Crushed Cornered Deceived Defeated Defiled Degraded Dejected Depressed Deprived Despair Despondent Devastated Disappointed Disconnected Discouraged Discounted Disenchanted Disgusted Disliked Dismayed Disoriented Distraught Distrust Doubt Drained Dread Driven Embarrassed Empty Emptiness Enraged Exhausted Fatigued Fearful Fragile Frantic Frightened Frustrated Grief stricken Guilty Hapless Harried Heartache Heartbroken Heartsick Heaviness Helpless Hesitant Hopeless Horror Horrified Hostile Humiliated Hurt Ignored Impatient Inadequate Indignant Insecure Insignificant Intimidated Irritated Invalidated Lazy Less-than Lethargic Lonely Longing for Loss Lost Mad Manipulated Melancholy Misused Mortified Needy Neglected Offended Outraged Overwhelmed Pained Persecuted Picked on Pressured Punished Put down Put upon Puzzled Rage Rebellious Rejected (or rejecting) Remorseful Resentment Restless Sad Scared Scattered Scorned Self-conscious Shamed Shattered Silly Sorrow (or deep sorrow) Startled Suffering Suspicious (of self or others) Terror Tired Tortured Trapped Troubled Uncertain Traumatized Unacknowled Unappreciated Unloved Untrusting Unmotivated Unsure Untrusting Unwanted Unworthy Used Victimized Violated Vulnerable Wasted Wary Weary Weird Worried Worthless Wounded Worn out Wrongly accused
It seemed to me I was in your way yesterday and that made me feel rejected and insecure
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
The list kind of helps you fine-tune things, doesn't it?
The only edit I would suggest is to leave out the words "made me." Just say: "It seemed to me I was in your way in the shower yesterday, and I felt rejected and insecure."
Maybe you can take the list to the ST and and ask your H in the office how he felt when you got in the shower with him. Ask him to pick out two or three feelings. Not in a challenging way, but with the purpose of understanding him. I can imagine that he might pick out "embarrassed, overwhelmed, helpless," or "inadequate, unsure, worthless," or "anxious, ashamed, fragile."
If you two can be honest about your own feelings without fear of expressing them, that might go quite a ways toward reducing the tension.
I thought of something else that might help. You can say "It seemed to me that I was in your way in the shower and I let myself feel rejected and insecure." The use of the words "I let myself" lets him know that you take responsibility for your feelings. Why do this? Because if you put him on the defensive, he'll just clam up and you won't get anywhere.
See how it sounds if you put the shoe on the other foot-- if he said to you: "When you got in the shower I let myself feel anxious and inadequate." That's more likely to get a compassionate response from you than an angry one.
You can say "It seemed to me that I was in your way in the shower and I let myself feel rejected and insecure." The use of the words "I let myself" lets him know that you take responsibility for your feelings. Why do this? Because if you put him on the defensive, he'll just clam up and you won't get anywhere.
FWIW, I think using "I let myself feel" is a great idea as you get more used to avoiding the "you made me feel" but MIGHT be too big of jump immediately. I started almost 3 years ago eliminating "you make/made me feel" from my vocabulary and that was an important transformation for me. I thinking about your "I let myself feel" statement and wondering if I am quite up to that concept YET. Although I think I may experiment with it!!
Again the only reason I state this is because I think the transitional stage, where you accept that you feel what you feel BUT stop putting the blame on someone else, is am important stage. Once you fully absorb that stage then moving on to look at how you let yourself feel certain emotions when certain things happen is another interesting stage.
Just my opinion. But I think it was excellent for you to get Heywyre to focus on getting an actual feeling pinpointed. Also the point about frustration not really being a feeling but a reaction to an underlying feeling was good too.
Oh and Heywyre might want to let her H know about the idea of eliminating "you make me feel" from their communications.
Last edited by fearless; 06/24/0703:30 PM.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
and I know it's going to take some time, but we'll get there, we just have to do it on our time, not someone else's"
