I'm having some real issues w/ how I feel about H right now. I have gotten to the point where I don't even see him the same anymore and actually wonder how I really feel about him.
If I'm totally honest w/ you guys AND MYSELF, I know I am still very insecure w/in myself. I used to be such a strong person, but I feel as if I have lost that over time. I think becoming a mom makes me feel vulnerable; not the same anymore.
I want to feel as if I would be completely all right if he cheated again and I had to give him the boot, but I honestly don't feel that way.
That makes me wonder about myself, as I wonder how I can stay w/ someone who has done all of the things he has done to me and still have my self respect intact.
He said he would call this a.m. and he never did. It would have been his Saturday night so I'm assuming they went 'out' even though he said he didn't think they were going to. He tells me what they do, but I kind of questioned a little more when I talked to him yesterday about his Friday night. Not accusing in any way, but when he said they went to the clubs, I kind of asked what that was all about.
I don't think he even thinks about what I am doing over here. Like my friend said today, I can't even go get a d*mn gallon of milk w/out having to load up a 7 yr old, a 3 yr old & a 1 yr old and go to the store, which I don't even have to describe to all of you, as I'm sure you can imagine how 'fun' that can be sometimes
Anyway, I just don't know what's up w/ me right now. I just kind of feel a bit down. I'm wishing that I could just come to terms w/ things and get on w/ it. I wish I felt like I truly trusted him again. I really don't though. I wish the thought of the OW didn't still bother me so much. It was an EA, I know that, but I really didn't get details from him.
I think one of the things that still bothers me is that I don't feel like our M/R is truly 100% intact again. I don't feel like I can talk to him about ANYTHING and that's how an M should be. Asking him about that bill really shouldn't have been any big deal and in actuality, I should have been able to just bring it up and he should have responded w/ compassion knowing how that probably made me feel, but I guess that's not reality.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
