I miss my boys so much. I miss my wife. The humiliation and depression are still so real. I've been sober a year and that's great. But I've been unable to hold down a job. I can't focus.
We haven't talked about anything other than the kids for months now. I don't tell her I love her or miss her. I just leave her alone. She went on a cruise with her boyfriend and left the kids with me for nine days last month. It was great seeing them for more than a weekend. I wish they lived with me but I can't afford to have them full time.
I really don't know what to do anymore. I am so sad. I'm 35 years old living with my parents. I feel like such a looser. I am an unlovely creature. Alone and afraid.
I don't know why I am back here. I used to post a lot and there were some people here that really helped my through a hard time. I feel worse these past few days than I've felt in months.
Thanks for letting me rant. I really appreciate it.
Nice to see you back. One foot in front of the other, brother! Every day is new, each attempt is the first. You'll get there but it's moving slowly now so you don't notice but I'm sure that you can look back and see improvement. Some people set high expectations for "getting better" or "getting there" when in reality it's the trip that's important. Keep slogging along! I hope to hear more about how you're doing in the future. If nothing else you'll be able to vent like you did (and not to your parents!) with equals. We all float around here for one reason or another so feel free to just jump in. It's a good way to spend some time when you've got a little extra.
Jack, at times like these when its darkest, you must look at the positives that you have. I know how very tough it is to do that when you feel like crap, but if you will sit down and think about the blessings that you have, and how much you have changed yourself, it has to make you appreciate what you have done. I mean, you have beaten drinking! You don;t know what an acomplishment it is to do that! You have the support of your parents! Many people here have no one! One day at a time dude, one step at a time, one victory at a time, one setback at a time. Keep working on improving yourself! God bless and take care.
Been a couple of weeks since I've checked in. Thanks braveheart for the thought. Sorry I didn't reply to you sooner.
I've moved on to a place of acceptance. Earlier this month was the one year mark since the separation and it was a little tough. Things are good now. God has put me where I need to be.
I believe in my heart that God is everything, that I am truly under his grace and that as long as I do his work I will be protected and he will place me where I need to be on a daily basis. His work for me today is taking care of my boys to the best of my ability and making myself usefull to alcoholics anonymous and the still suffering alcoholic. I work very hard at both every day.
I wish everyone here the best of luck. I see today that I was completely insane (and still am to a great extent). That I pushed my wife away with my drinking and abuse. Early on in the process I was unable to DB. I kept pushing and pushing and pushed her right to a divorce. If you are new and people are telling you to leave your W or H alone, do it. I was unable to and made things worse.
But that is OK! God works with what he has to work with. I don't know if I'd have been able to stay sober if she had taken me back right away like I wanted. I pushed so hard that she filed for the D six months after she asked me to leave. If she had taken me back in those first six months.....
I am a great dad I must say. Sober for over a year. Going back to college in the fall. Things worked out the way they were supposed to and yes, I can say that I've moved on to a place of acceptance.
I wish everyone here love and kindness. You all have a place in my heart. When I was at my darkest and was about to kill myself there were people here that reached out to me and held on. I was so very close to putting a shotgun in my mouth that it brings tears to my eyes to think about it. So I won't.
So you are D, my D will also be final in about one week so time to move on with YOUR life. Let your XW live hers and I believe that the day will come when she will not be so happy anymore.
You have made improvements and you need to continue to look to a brighter future which doesn't include her as your W but simply as the mother of your kids. I was in a very dark place for a full year since my H left but I made a conscious decision to start living again. I have been and still listen to The Secret which I have on my iPOD and it gives me the strength I need to focus on ME, what I want to be, have or do. You can too but you have to want it more than anything else.
Your W may or may not ever come back but for now, you need to do what make YOU happy. If you believe in God, you know he will guide you down the right path, the one he believes is right for you even if you don't think it is, you need to have FAITH.
It is normal to have some down days but know that there will be many more up days when life looks great and it is all yours to have.
Try to do something fun this weekend.
Hugs, ISLH
Me: 49 - S22 & S26 H: 41 - No kids M: 10/00 Bomb New Year's Day 2006 H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07 D final 07/07 Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
I'm db and I'm an alchoholic too. Man, I hate booze. It's sure cost me a lot. We know it's still a one-day-at-a-time thing though.
Just came across your post and for a minute thought it was one of mine. I could have written most of that.
I don't know if I'd have been able to stay sober if she had taken me back right away like I wanted.
Yep. Same here. I ran from God for so long. He finally thumped me on the head, saying "Son, you've got some lessons to learn and they're gonna' hurt."
The tragedy for us at this point would be to give up, not learn those lessons, and return to our old ways. We can't let this pain go to waste. Something good must come from it. JS, you have over half your life left yet to live. Your boys need you, and need you to be the best man you can be. One positive from this already is that they now have a sober father. How important is that?
I'm back in college too. (Should be working on assignments right now.) Almost done with 5 classes and nine to go. Scheduled to finish in less than a year. Are you doing days, nights, online, blended? I travel a lot for work and have found online the best for me, so far. LOT's of busy work, but it goes by fast. I think you'll really enjoy it, once you get started. You're a young guy. Heck, you could have a masters or two completed by the time you hit my age.
I was so very close to putting a shotgun in my mouth.. Yep, had those thoughts a few times myself. Thank God we're past that.
Hang in there brother,
-db
B42, M15yrs, T16, No Kids 8-06: Buying house 8-8: Bomb 8-16: Served 9-11: D final 9-28: She moved out 12-3: PA-her 9-26-07: Last time I saw her. My sitch.
