How does one stop fixating on the OW and move on?

[saffie]

hi again,

You are all so right and I do know it. I just seem to have been having a few really bad days.

I'm sure that coming off all the medication has a lot to do with it but I needed to come off it as I felt that all it was doing was 'dumbing' me down. It wasn't actually helping me solve anything - infact I think it was starting to prevent me being able to travel down the path to recovery.

I am sure that all is over with OW and even if I left he wouldnt go to her. What I am wondering though is if I am unable to stay with H because of the A. I can see why it happened and that we BOTH did things we shouldnt have BUT I dont know if I can carry on living with someone I can't trust. If I couldn't tell he was having an A this time then how am I going to make sure it doesn't happen again? Do I have to be worried evrytime I disagree with him that he might take offence and jump into bed with someone else? I don't think he will do that but HOW CAN I BE SURE? I worry that in all the books they say that it will nevr be the same again. I want the honourable man that i trusted completely back. I often wish he had justed ended the affair without coming clean to me about it!!

I do understand that I am probably just going through a blip and that in a few days I will hopefully fel alot better again. I know that its more likely than not that this will happen several times... but as you all know it hurts just so much.

I read about other peoples sitchs on here and it makes me feel v.selfish. I am lucky that my H appears to be totally recommitted to our M and he is supportive and will answer my questions etc but that doesnt take my pain away and I am fed up that a year down the line I still feel like this.

Sarah, I have looked at thr Retrouvaille site in the uk. It sounds a really good thing to do and I am glad it worked for you. Unfortunately my H is an atheist and so is unwilling to consider this option. He will read bits of bks that I show him and will talk about things but it is all very much on HIS terms. I think that he is beginning to reach the point when he wonders just when am I going to get over it and I am just so scared that I won't. My children also look like they are fed up that it all still bothers me. I am just so tired of it all.

Theoden, thanks so much for all the effort you have put into communicating with me. I am listening, (even if I am wallowing), and I keep going and rereading all that you have written. You are very sensible and clear thinking and what you have said really helps.

I think your son was great Sara and children are a powerful armour. My H made the mistake of introducing three of my children to OW. My second daughter, (aged 13 at the time), found the OW's mobile phone no. and memorised it. Without myself or my husband knowing she both texted and voicemailed the OW telling her exactly what she thought of her. I gather she also broke down crying on the phone to her.The next day apparently OW emailed my H and told him what our daughter had done and told my H to tell me that I "played too good a game for her". Iwas pleased that my daughter upset the OW but at the same time could not believe that she thought I would involve a 13yr old in something like that and indeed that I would liken it to a game!!!!

Thanks for all the support guys