Dana-- Sorry it has been so long, but it seems like you have come into some really strong insights.
I am working on exactly what you are writing about: becoming whole on my own. And I do think your point about developmental stages and growing up/rebelling applies to my H, and probably myself.
He has seen the problem in our R for the last 5 years; just about the time my kids were becoming more independent and I could get back to me, my career. I was growing. Is it his turn, now? Surprising that they would rebel against the ones who love them most, when we would be happy to let them/support them! It has been a control thing in our R, but it was all in his head--he thought I knew that I held him down/back. Every now and then, I would even ask him if he had called his friends lately, maybe go out with them, pick up a hobby or volunteer, etc. Maybe because it wasn't his idea? Or he wasn't ready?
You're right, it doesn't matter, as long as we are growing and learning what we want/need for ourselves.
My IC told me this week that, while it may have been appropritate to do so much for H at the beginning, now I have to turn the focus around and get back to me. If my behaviors had really been the biggest obstacle, my changes should have fixed things. They didn't; we're even further apart.
I am just glad that my H has been as respectful as he can be towards me. It certainly isn't every day, but the majority. And as hurtful as it is to be rejected physcially, I think hearing about what you have gone through puts it into perspective. I thought sex might bring some connection, but he doesn't want to without the feelings there. He saved me from that regret.
Anyway, thanks Dana, for sharing all of that to think about, D
