My heart has been completely torn apart

[I_Surrender]

Thanks H11, maybe that's what makes us different, we are looking at ourselves and what changes are necessary for us to try and recover our R and perhaps save our M's. It takes to. It's hard for people like us to continue to try and improve ourselves while our other half is not there.
We have to keep insisting we are better people for it.

I feel that I am ready to be alone now. Once I am alone, that may change, who knows.

It's hard though

I told W last night that wanted a separation. I also told her I am in no rush, we can take the time to make everything right to do so, financially and otherwise. (her work may be going on strike) and we wold wait until she is back to work etc.

I also indicated that in my mind this was not a trial separation, to see how I feel or she feels. This was a separation leading to D, in my mind.

Of course she was upset. We talked later that night. It was productive for me. She wondered why I suddenly changed? It's just that my feelings have not changed. My values have not changed. While I have been doing GAL activities, I realize more and more I must hold true to my values and myself, even if that means I am to be alone.

A lot of the jist of her yarn was how I wasn't there for her all through the marriage, she did all the work with the kids etc. I never expressed my love, never communicated. So I listened.

I didn't want to counterpunch every point she made. Comunication is a 2 way street, and so is the relationship. The R was much more of a 50/50 one. She is not in a place to appreciate me for who I am.
It's all about her right now, how I have somehow done her wrong, and this is why this has happened. That's the issue. She is not looking in the mirror right now, or ever has.
I am willing to improve and change, to try my best.
She is willing to point out my flaws, but reluctant to look truthfully at herself and take any steps. It's all abour me, my imperfections.

Despite what she says. I look in the mirror and see a good person. I see some flaws. I also have the ability and willingness to work on them. I am going to work on my shyness, my ability to communicate my feelings.

I am capable of great love, and have what I feel are an admirable set of values, which I hold myself to. My compassion conscientiousness and caring are real strengths.

Anyway wish me luck. It is my hope that we all continue to learn to be better people.