I wonder if the challenge is this. To truly db and detach, you must love yourself 100% and be completely whole on your own.
I would guess that maybe 2% of the people coming out of an affair, abusive, relationship with a MLC spouse are feeling that way at that time. Many people are not complete and whole at that time and can't handle dbing.
So, I think my advice to new dbers would be this. Take your time. After you find out your spouse has had an affair, realize it for what it is worth, a reflection of them, not you. Get space, get distance, be around people that love you and respect you and not those that are continuing to disrespect you and treat you unlovingly (if your spouse is). Yes, you helped lead to the breakdown of your marriage, but your spouse left your marriage and stepped over that line all on their own and that is about them, not you. Give yourself time to heal and come to terms with it. Give yourself time to realize your part in the breakdown of the marriage. Give yourself time to look at yourself and fix yourself. Stop worrying about the marriage in that moment because you are two broken people that need fixing on your own. The best thing for you BOTH is space. You are desperate because they have left you... but LOVE YOURSELF and give yourself time. It will be the best thing for you and probably your marriage to heal yourself first. Otherwise, you won't be able to 'db' anyway, because you won't be loving yourself and respecting yourself, instead you'll be a doormat and call it dbing.
That's my .02.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
