Thanks for weighing in on such a touchy topic. Believe me, it warms my heart knowing that the male species are so generous with the desirability words and feelings. I *know* you're all right about the issue, and I'll eventually unwind myself so that I once again have a healthy self image not tied to my physical body and all its failings but to my soul. I work very hard at that.
Balto, MANY thanks for that link. I'm going to be checking it out and reading up on things. I did have to laugh at that male topic you posted. Damn, that's funny.
But what I want mainly to point out to Balto and DIY that although the words and feelings behind them are definitely appreciated, this is a skirmish fought on a battleground all by myself and all by Mrs. Balto. The "enemy" isn't you as a spouse or time or as simple as hormones or an aging physical body.
These concepts are all entwined.
For example, in my heart of hearts, I know that losing my uterus and whatever course that follows will not affect how others see me. I guess where I'd like to start is to explain to you how powerful the hormones that rule us really are. Happily, this explanation made me happy to hear in the doctor's office--I haven't ovulated for probably 6 months. I had no idea about this, but was very bothered/puzzled by my bizarre irritation with things that normally don't bother me at all... by my seemingly EASY ability to cry for very stupid reasons... by my sudden 15 lb weight gain... by my lethargy and feeling hopeless.
If I could pull a mind over matter, all of this would clear up immediately. I don't want to be irritated or have crying episodes at work. I don't want to be forgetful or spacy. I definitely don't want to be hopeless about life. Yet, here I am. Every day I wake up with this struggle. Some days are much easier than others. Some days I can wake up and function like I did before. But others seem extraordinarily overwhelming.
I'll have the biopsy on Tuesday and we'll take it from there. Believe it or not, I'm okay with the idea of losing my parts. I just don't want to dismiss how I truly feel as how I'm going to act as if I feel. My hormones just might have other ideas and I'm going to have to muster some patience to deal with them.
That being said... Balto, does your wife share with you everything she reveals to her gyno? I also have a terrific R with my regular OB, and would talk to her about just about anything. She's delivered my 2 girls and was my staunch supporter through cervical cancer 10 years ago. There are things I'd ask and tell her before I'd tell my H/XH.
I want to ask you something in relation to what you posted to me:
Quote:
It is her desire for sex (or maybe for sex with me) that seems to have been lost.
Give me some reasons why 1) it could be sex in general and 2) why it might be sex with you specifically. Maybe I can interpret some of this stuff through a severely whacked emotional filter... just some clues that might be able to get you moving into a different direction.
I'm not advocating that you walk around assuming there is something wrong with her. In those shoes, nothing would piss me off more! Where I'd first like to go is maybe to suggest you start by really digesting is that things have really changed for her. Change doesn't have to imply a bad outcome, Balto. And nowhere here am I even deeming to suggest that you accept a lifetime of no sexual passion with your W. I don't even want to make excuses for her either. I'm just offering to give you clues as to how you might be able to approach this issue systemically and not from a specific technical angle. All these things are intertwined.
One other thing--is there any reason in your past that she might feel as though you are not compassionate or understanding of her needs? I'm not saying that it's THE truth, but maybe HER truth? I won't blast you for it, but just maybe it will provide a clue on what she really needs to work through feeling more intimate with you outside the bedroom.
I'll just close by saying that I never imagined that this path would leave me feeling the way I feel. Ten years ago, I begged my OB to do a hysterectomy and she said no, because there are a thousand good reasons to keep it, including the mental ones. Now that I'm faced with looking at my female reproductive life in the rear view mirror, I just feel sad. A part of me wishes I had been open to having more children. The honest part of me says that I never wanted more than the two that I have. So you tell me where this makes sense? It doesn't! In a nutshell, let's not approach your quandary from a completely logical standpoint. There is NOTHING logical about female hormones!
Lou, one of these days I'm going to pop in that IHOP! D13 has been asking me when we can head to Montana, since it appears that her dad isn't going any time soon. I'm contemplating fall break, which is the last week in October here. She's been invited to go to Phoenix with a friend, but I'm not quite sure if that's going to be cast in stone. We'll just see.
Believe me gentlemen, I DO know that what you've said is the honest-to-God's truth. It will just take some time for me to work through these nasty self image issues. I appreciate having some seasoned men weigh in so positively. Mr. Wonderful (my XH) has been absolutely awesome, and though he doesn't weigh in on the desirability factor for obvious reasons, he's been extraordinarily compassionate--and I really feel blessed to have a terrific support system.
Schmagic, thanks! I post in Hopefulness, and I'll try and at least update my thread once a week or so if you want to come visit.
Off to mow this lawn before the temperature soars to 96!
Betsey
p.s. Balto, I'm reading 3 different books on menopause, perimenopause and alteratatives to hormone replacement therapy. If I find something useful for you, I promise to share.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I don't want to be forgetful or spacy. I definitely don't want to be hopeless about life. Yet, here I am. Every day I wake up with this struggle. Some days are much easier than others. Some days I can wake up and function like I did before. But others seem extraordinarily overwhelming.
Where I'd first like to go is maybe to suggest you start by really digesting is that things have really changed for her. Change doesn't have to imply a bad outcome, Balto. And nowhere here am I even deeming to suggest that you accept a lifetime of no sexual passion with your W. I don't even want to make excuses for her either. I'm just offering to give you clues as to how you might be able to approach this issue systemically and not from a specific technical angle. All these things are intertwined.
Betsey