Shocked H in NJ looking for DB help

[Willing NJ H]

I fell in love with my wife for many reasons, but partially because she was a strong enough woman to know what she wanted, and wasn't a "yes dear" person. We met in high school, where we became friends, and started dating after her cousins wedding. MY parents divorced when I was 5, and I was raised by my mother and eventually a stepdad that is the best. My wife's parents also divorced, and my wife was abused for a brief period as a young teenager by a person who is still in her family and never told anyone (other than a friend at the time.) She and her mother suffered the divorce and poverty when my wife was a child, and have a very strong bond; but to this day, but she doesn't know that her boyfriend (to this day) sexually abused her daughter. My wife will not tell anyone, and neither of us know how much the abuse has affected her (although we've done a ton of research recently and she's back and forth with the idea of therapy.) In the beginning of our 8 year relationship, she had a hard time with our relationship. She thought it meant she had to give up being a person, and the freedom of being a young and independant woman. At the time, I explained to her that you can do whatever u want in a secure relationship, and live your life along with your mate. I wanted trust, loyalty, communication, honesty, friendship, and a 50/50 relationship where we could talk to and rely on each other. Once feelings got involved, my wife told me that feelings made her feel uncomfortable due to her past, and sex got awkward as did our relationship. I helped her through it and she went to an abuse counselor, who she didn't care for, and stopped seeing after a month or two. I started a new career in Law Enforcement,and supported her as she finished college. It was an extremely stressful time and it started our problems. We didn't have any time together, she only had time for school, and I hated being a corrections officer. As things got better, her grandparents got sick and passed away. We dealt with the loss, and got engaged soon after. She graduated college, and since we were both working,we bought a house while planning our wedding.I againg changed careers and became a police officer. I went through another academy while we worked on our new home, and we got married two months after I graduated. We dealt with stress and frustration from outside sources throughout most of our relationship, and she never talked about the problems. I like to talk about things and work them out so we know how to handle them in the future, and she likes to ignore them and sweep them under the rug. (She's afraid of change, and is uncomfortable with any type of conflict.) Not delaing with issues that kept popping up made us argue about not dealing with things, and lead me to bickering and complaining about everything because I felt hurt and that we needed to fix problems so that we wouldn't end up like our parents. She never talked to me about much of anything as far as issues that would come up, and we went through all of the stages that counselors talk about with hurting one antoher during conflict. We became defensive and said things in ways that we didn't intend, but nothing physically or verbally abusive ever took place. I love my wife very much and married her to be with her, love her, and be loyal to her for the rest of my life. I cherish her, we now have a beautiful two year old daughter, and see eye to eye on everything from raising our daughter to being friends. She has recenty told me that the years of holding things in and not saying anything has caused her to push away, and now doesn't know if she's ever loved me. She's the type of person that sees "the glass as half empty", and doesn't concentrate on the good things. In our discussions, I ALWAYS asked her for her opinion, her input and her thoughts on resolving the matter. She NEVER replied. She would say "I don't know, I'm not good at this stuff", "I feel like this, but don't know why", or just agree with me. I've always wanted her to have her own mind, and tried to reassure her every step of the way. I've never forgotten a special day, and always made a big deal of things including surprising her. I've expressed my love and need for her, and how I need her as much as she needs me. She now feels like we may not belong together beacause of her holding things in and my bickering and complaining. She hated that I wouldn't drop things, and I thought that we needed to get things out in the open so that we could deal with problems more efficeintly. I was overbearing, and became depressed that she doesn't show affection as outwardly as me. I misjudged her reactions and emotions, as she is very conservative in showing her true feelings, and expected "fairy tale" romance. I know where I was wrong, and she knows that she should have talked more, but how do I fix things. I've been researching for weeks, and I changed everything the day she told me how she felt. It was the first conversation in which she ever told me how she felt and what she wanted, and gave me something to work with. I tried explaining that I always wanted to know what she wanted and how she felt, and that I couldn't give her everything she needed without knowing what the needs were. She's now so hurt and confused, that shes asked for space and is basically only trying to fix things because of our daughter. She can't remember a time that things weren't tough, and is no longer in love with me. She thinks that I talked her into loving me, because I helped her with her problems and like to talk, and doesn't know if she ever really loved me. On top of everything else, our sex life started suffering as emotions entered our relationship. Sex became uncomfortable after love got involved and we had to work through it with the abuse counselor. Things were ok for a while, but got tough again at times and sex was once or twice a month. After the birth of our daughter, sex became once every two or three months. I love my wife and am willing to do anything to fix our marriage. We were great friends before and throughout our relationship, but we've gone way off track. My bickering was always with good intentions, but I became very overbearing and hurtful. I know where I went wrong, and she is confused at "how I could just change overnight and fix exactly the things she talked about like I knew exactly what she meant." I then pushed to save our marriage, as I was very hurt and scared, and pushed her farther away. She's very defensive right now and keeping me at a distance. We are separated, and she doesn't want to spend time with me, as she says that the time apart mey help her "clear her mind, find herself, and maybe find a new start for us." It's been about two weeks, and doesn't seem very good at all. It seems as if shes convincing herself that she doesn't need "us" and is preparing to leave me, but I really think we have what it takes. I am open to anything, and have spent 5 hours on DB today. I am genuine and am looking for answers. I wanted to be the man who cherished and loved my wife forever. I've tried everything I know, and always showed her that she's special. I don't want us to give up on one another, when we simply handled things poorly and never communicated. I really don't want our daughter to go through the crappy divorced life that we grew up with. Please give me your advice on healing the pain I never meant to cause, and repairing my marriage. She "doesn't know how to forgive, forget and start over."; and thats what we need. I don't want to look at life as a newly single parent and regret losing the love of my life, and feel as most DB'ers have. I'm a mess, and completely pathetic compared to my normal self. I've taken the week off of work, for safty reasons, to get my head together so I can concentrate at work. We are living together, as we don't really have any other options, and I am giving her all the space I can. After reading the forums, I am going to leave her alone completely unless she comes to me or we have to deal with our daughter. I am going to try to start working out again, as I haven't found the time in over a year, and will attempt to find something to occupy my time. She's not as much of a WAW as some women, no papers have been filed, but I think it's close. Any and all advice welcome, thank you for being here.

[Bakit Ngayon Pa]

Hi Willing. I'm new here as well. Our stories are similar on some level - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1105923&page=1&fpart=1

The advice I was mostly given is this (paraphrasing from my thread):

No R talk. Period. No Guilt, Pressure, Pursuit, Control.
Give her the Space she's TELLING YOU she needs/wants.
Act AS IF you are not an emotional-wreck (I know. . .but just go w/this for now). Act AS IF you don't know/don't care/forgot or are too distracted to notice/hear/see the neg. things (yes, even her going out at night). Act AS IF nothing 'bad' will happen, and she is only going out to sit at Starbucks until 2am. Honestly, do this.
Focus on your kids (in your case your daughter) and yourself - NOT your W, not your M. . .
GAL (Get a Life). Seriously. Do it. To do otherwise is to allow the sitch/W to control your Life. YOU have this control. YOU (and not her!) control whether you are happy, healthy & a "good/bad" person. Do something - anything - that makes YOU a Happier, Healthier or Better Person (putting the Focus on yourself).

Get the DR book immediately and start reading. I ordered mine two days ago and it should get here next week.

Good luck. Hang in there. I'm also hanging by a thread.

[Willing NJ H]

Thanks for the advice. I am going to order the book, and try the advice. I've read every article on DB'in, and am going through the posts. It's the first thing thats given me hope, and i'm going to do my best. The hardest thing is going to be finding "fun". I work shift work, as does my W, and don't have off the same days as anyone I know. If I can get into working like I used to, it will serve many purposes, but getting the motivation and time has been tough. I'll feel nore confident, look better, and be in the shape I should be for work. All other comments are welcome. Sorry I'm so long winded. I'm blowing my top on here so I don't try explaining things to her.

[Willing NJ H]

Getting this ripping, sick, empty feeling in my gut to calm down would be nice too.

[Willing NJ H]

Yesterday was her sisters graduation party. I hadn't heard from anyone on here in time, so I decided I wasn't going to go unless she asked, and got my dagughter ready for her. Just before leaving, she said "do you have plans? If not then why don't you come with us, it's not like we can't be friends." I went and all went well, but it's hard. Hearing the "friends" comment made me feel like my heart was ripped out and I was small enough to parachute off of a dime. At the picnic, everything felt like normal, except I knew it wasn't. We got home, and she was treating me like an awkward stranger again, shutting doors that we never shut on one another and I again had to sleep n the couch. I am so uncomfrtable not even being able to sleep in my own bed. Tonight we went to her cousins house, and the same thing. No one knows that we are separated except for our mothers and one or two friends. The rest of our family and friends have no idea. I feel like I'm living a lie, and just want this to pass. She seems so convinced that our being together "isn't right". I don't know how you guys can do this for two and three years? I'm going to post things as days go by when I feel like mush and need advice. Thanks again. Tell me what works for you!

[teecy]

I am also new here and don't have any good advice. The only thing that I can do in my situation is move on with my life and not expect anything out of my husband. At the same time, I am leaving the door slightly open if he ever is ready to do the work necessary. What else can we do? I think counseling can help if the right counselor is found. Is your wife willing to look at this option?

[Willing NJ H]

Last I heard, she said no. The other things that scares me is finding the right therapist. I've read that 70-75% of people who see marriage therapists are unhappy and find themselves in a worse situation.

She's stated that I've "changed everything that I needed to change overnight like I knew her and knew exactly what she was feeling." But now believes that I convinced her to love me and that she never really felt as strongly for me as she "should for someone in love". She says that she's seen things in other people that she would like her mate to have. I don't know? I feel like junk like the rest of us on here. I'm willing to do what's needed, but she thinks this is an easier answer and "doesn't know how to start over." Se gets upset and mad if I bring up any king of suggestion, so I'm helpless right now. Have follow the DB methods and hope it works with my wife and doesn't just make me a better man for someone else some day.

[FA]

Hey Willing....like I just posted to SadMom....would you like to be with you as a mate? Do you have qualities that make you attractive to her anymore? Are you the same guy she fell in love with in the beginning or do you look like someone totally different from the guy she married?

Take a look at yourself and see what you can do to start bettering yourself....making you look better than something else to her....ultimately....you are doing this for yourself...and if she stays onboard....even better!

[bit1607]

hey willing

it must be a nj epedmic. i am in nj and going through the same BS and because of much the same circumstances. my wife was also abused, by her moms second husband and although my wifes mom knows about it, it has pretty much been swept under the rug. her family problems only start there, all the major influences in her life are or were alcholics and my wife does love to party. we were married in june of last year, her dad suddenly died in july and we seperated in dec. her dads death really seemed to uproot alot of the issues my wife has gone through.

anyway as for advice: good luck, worry about yourself. what they are going through we basically can't control. i am at my wits end and have finally had enough, you can't help those that wont help themselves and i am planning life without her, once i get through it i will be better off being that my wife and probably yours too is going to be tormented there entire lives regarding the abuse.

[Willing NJ H]

Thanks guys...
FA - I am much more confident than I was when we met, but am not inthe best shape i've ever been. When my daughter was born, my free time went from weightlifting and running to babysitting as we both work weird hours. I am determined to get back in the best shape i've ever been, which is a plus because I will have SWAT tryouts coming up in the next year or so. I used to be pretty big, (never cut but not sloppy). I want the size and less body fat now. Time is still tough with the little one, but I'mgoing to work harder. A workout buddy would be nice, but they never stay dedicated like I do.

BIT1607 - I know how you feel. As much as I love her, I'm sick of being the blame for how she feels all of the time. I've made some mistakes, that are now fixed, but she won't put the blame where it's due because she thinks it makes her a "nutcase" or a "freak". She blames herself for the abuse and won't seek counseling. Do you have kids? That the thing thats f-ing me up right now. Even if I ave to rebuild my life and lose everything i've worked for, though I WANT my M, I never wanted my daughter to go through the BS of divorced parents, step-dads and the crap that I did. I am a very understanding person, but if someone ever did anything I didn't like to my daughter, I'd put him in his place quick! My wife typically like d-head bad boys that treat women like crap. I was the tough nice guy that seems like a good boy and she had a hard time with that for a while when we first started dating. Anyway, thanks a lot. keep in touch. Where in NJ are you? I'm in Burlington county and work in Mercer County. Been looking for DBers from NJ to GAL with. My friends all have kids or work my days off. I figured it would be cool to go play racquette ball or go to Dave and Busters or something.