Hi, I have never posted before but have been around lurking for a long time as I have been through 3 separations in the last 4 years. I am here alone again! Scorpio Girl I thought I was the only one that has had my H move in and out and have had to deal with the anxiety, stress and having my heart broken. We have no children, we have been married for almost 27 years and I also have taken him back each time. The first time he moved out he was gone for 6 weeks, the 2nd which was May of 05 it was 10 weeks, and this time he has been gone 8 weeks and counting. There is no OW. He is unhappy. We have been to therapy, joint and individual. I have a wonderful therapist I see weekly who keeps telling me I am ok. My therapist is the one that suggested he move out the first time. My H finally went on medication, right before he moved out this round. He is depressed and of course I worry now that he is feeling better that he will only still blame me for his unhappiness and not focus on what is really the problem. He always claims that when we reconciled that I asked him to come back. This move out I will not let him come to our house as in the past he cut the grass lawn stuff etc. This was very hard on my part as that is my only chance to see him but I am hanging strong and cutting the grass alone! We have only contact with email and some phone. We stopped joint counseling 2 weeks ago as he wanted to bail and the therapist suggested I stick with my own therapist and he got H to stay with him. My H has no friends. We were in joint counseling for " divorce counseling" not to reconcile. Counseling is counseling states my therapist. I hope my h is still going weekly, but I have no control over that.
I don't know if I can offer much advice. I have used Michelle's techniques for years and I not sure I can say I am successful... but well read for sure. I think that you are doing the right thing by not giving in to his begging and pleading. I think I would tell him that he should continue to go to therapist, work on himself and if it is for real or in the "cookies" that you will see where this takes you both. I am going to go back and see if I can read your situation in previous posts. Maybe you have a list of goals of what you want in a relationship or a marriage that you could have ready down the road to show him. I have done that in therapy and believe me it was an eyeopener for my spouse as I said this was my goals for any marriage or any relationship, not just to him. My goals were specific, such as we were friends, emotional and intimate connection... his were get a job and keep the house clean type stuff...great huh? I think I may tell him to quit calling and coming over and maybe have one day a week you have contact. Not sure how that works with children.
Your story did help me this a.m as I am so alone and like I said feel like I am one of so few who has their husband move in and out. It is so hard and I really hear your pain as I can not keep doing this. The stress and anxiety and pain and worry of looking down the road is horrible. He keeps breaking my heart also. I keep saying fix it or end it. I have been threatened with divorce so often. Therapist says he is not going to do it and I should just hang in there but this is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I have been semi dark and letting him know I am fine and GAL even if I have a hard time alone every day. One thing that I have done in joint counseling is tell him that I have had enough and that the clock is ticking, I am 52, and I still have a chance of rebuilding my life either alone or with some one else and I am not going to keep doing this... We either fix it or end it. I have choices also and have been told it is not what he wants this time it is what I want.
I hope this helps and finding your post this a.m really helps me. I am so alone, no children, I don't work outside the house and my friends are supportive but I live in married suburban land and other than a health club I work out almost everyday I have long days and nights. Friends are sick of this situation so I have pulled back from talking about it. Thanks for posting!
