I haven't been back on this site for a while, and it's because about a month ago, after another failed attempt at reconciliation with H, I made the most difficult and painful decision of my life to finally let H and my marriage go for good. I needed to acknowledge to myself that I have done everything I humanly could to DB (thru 4 separations in the last 3 years) with little success, and I was finally (sadly) ready to end my journey of winning H back. After about 2 weeks of little to no contact with H, he stopped by the house on Father's Day night and half-heartedly told me he wanted to reconcile again. I told him "I can't". I have NEVER before turned down H when he wanted to get back together before. I explained to him that I was suffering from a broken heart and needed to take care of myself, that I was beyond scared to try to reconcile for fear of suffering the pain of loss again.
H was silent for a little bit, but then something snapped in him and he began uncontrollably crying and telling me he can't believe he REALLY lost me. I guess he figured before, he could always come back because I'd always take him back. We were both crying. He begged me for 2 hours to give him just one more chance. I told him I didn't have another chance in me (which was true at the moment). He asked me what he could do to make things right. I told him I couldn't give him that answer because he needed to figure things out for himself. He left that night promising me that even though I have moved on, he would fight for me and wait for me if I ever decide to give him another chance.
Since then, H has called me every day, many times a day, most of the time I don't answer because I really don't know what to say. The biggest change H made was that he actually enrolled himself in individual counseling. Before, H was AGAINST individual and marriage counseling. He always said "I don't need someone telling me what I'm doing wrong..." My fear was that H enrolled in counseling IN ORDER TO get me back. This is not the right reason to go. So I told him my fear, and also told him that even if he went, I couldn't promise him anything. He told me he understood and that he was going for himself. He told me that after counseling, even if we didn't get back together, he would atleast be a better father for our kids, and ultimately a better man.
Something strange happened last night that I wanted to share with you all. H has been asking me all week if he could come over and we could talk. I have turned him down every time because I didn't want either of us to get hurt. But, last night I decided to let him come over because our D's wanted to see him. So, he asked me if I wanted him to pick up dinner. I told him yes, that I was in the mood for Chinese. So, he picked it up.
About 3 years ago, before H and I started having M problems, we were eating at a Chinese restaurant. After dinner, there were 3 fortune cookies on the table. H grabbed one and gave it to me, but I told him to put it down. I said that it's only your true fortune if you're the one who picks out your cookie (I know...very superstitious of me). So, he picked one and I picked one. I don't remember what mine said, but this is what H's said "You and your wife will be happy in your life together". H showed it to me and he stuck it in a picture pocket in his wallet, so he could see it whenever he opened it. He kept it there for 3 years. This last time we separated, I looked at H wallet one day and noticed that he had taken it out and threw it away...
Last night, after we all got done eating, I spread the fortune cookies out on the table. There were 6 cookies and 4 of us. H grabbed one first, then me and the girls. When H read his fortune, he looked at me and said "V, this was definately meant for me" He showed it to me with tears in his eyes. It said "You and your wife will be happy in your life together".
I don't know if H and I will ever get back together. I am still too afraid at the moment to reconile with H for fear of any more broken hearts. I just wanted to share this story with anyone who wants to read this, and hope it might mean something for someone, wherever they are in their journey...
Please pray for H and I, as I will pray for all of you...
