My marriage is hopeless IV

[25yearsmlc]

EMC,

don't you dare give up on the custody issue so fast. Why on earth wouldn't you get joint custody ( you will unless you are unfit) AND then work out the % as joint c does not necessarily mean 50/50 physical custody??

Your schedule is relevant obviously. But you'll very likely get get at least joint legal c (=joint decision making, schools, medical, religious education) and you should most definitely go for half time custody and CONSIDER going for full physical custody if you can (while calling it "joint"). I don't know your hours but your w's hours, since I assume she is a nurse, probably won't be great or regular and you have more power in this than you realize.

As for her comment about you being "up to something"--that is her fear talking. Of course she is afraid of not seeing them as much or just getting them 50/50. Or looking bad. But Financially speaking, if you do divorce and she does marry the MD, you'll actually be better off....(hey, I'm just saying...)

As for the inlaws, I think you will have to work on feeling better about that for 2 reasons. First, it is unrealistic to expect them to disown their daughter, especially when they value their R's with the grandkids. Second, if they did disown her, it would make things worse for the M and increase the likelihood of divorce, imho.
You seem to be getting about the best you can, although I can tell you if either of my daughters do something like this, I'll have a long drawn out sit down talk with them, more than once. But again, I want R's with my grandkids and if I alienate the daughter too much, I could lose her and the grandkids, and besides, there are surely a few true issues or faults in you that make her feelings a tiny bit more understandable (I know, even YOU....join the human club)...go easy on them for now. It can only help you. Back off, take a step back and believe in yourself, your worthiness as a man. Of course that is hard after taking a few body blows like you have/are. But it really does help, I think AND it surely is good for your girls to see.

Do NOT accept the "dad's out of the picture" BS. Sometimes I think men say stuff like that to make it easier on themselves for allowing the distance to grow, or to prepare for the worst. I simply reject that.

I have 3 divorced brothers with daughters. The oldest 1 of them moved away for a job and HE feels close to her. She is his only child but he is an absentee phone in/send a check type of dad. He takes her on trips a lot. But there isn't day to day itneraction the way there would be if he had stayed in the area, or the M. He filed for divorce and was a fool, but the ex sister in law, whom I stay in close contact with, is truyly better off. Though he loves their daughter a lot, he does seem more like an uncle to her, in my eyes at least. But he was always self centered.

Now, The other 2 brothers, I must say, have been truly good dads. Our dad was not a great role model in some big ways and they are both Much better than what we grew up with. These 2 brothers, ("M and JL") attended EVERY game or dance recital that I can think of. Neither accepted employment out of the area even when times were tough and they had to cut back on finances. And they are as close, if not closer, to their daughters than their ex-wives are. Seriously. My brother JL, has 3 girls and re-married a woman with 3 girls and they've had a daughter (18months) together. 2 weeks a month there are 7 girls, + his wife, and my brother JL. That's a lot of estrogen...(maybe some days he is glad to have half of them take a break...??)

My brother M worked things out with his ex, which shocked me considering how miserable their M was. But he SHOWED UP... And they did well by their daughter. She is in grad school now, getting a PhD in psychology...(who knows? Maybe she'll be a mc)...

Dads can be close to their daughters. I have seen it. It can be done, but JL fought hard for it, and they both really hung in there, over the long haul. I suspect their daughters are looking for men like them...and I am positive that JL's daughters feel really close to him. He was/is a super involved dad.

Hang in there. Besides, it can only make you look better to your wife, your inlaws, US, and God. Don't sell yourself short. You are a good guy.
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