Any ladies had a hysterectomy out there?

[OG_Lou]

Betsey The fact is that I feel awful and it's very difficult to convince me that someone is going to want me after all of this.

Sorry you feel like that Betsey. With out it looking like I was kitting on you, can I say I would want you if we were the same age and I was single.

From inside this guy’s body I live in, I can tell you at the age of 45, I was over wanting to be a new dad and a woman not being able to have another baby was a plus equipment wise. Other things counter more, such as did she still has a fair amount of emotional/physical desire to be with me.

To me, and I can imagine other 45 Yr old males have similar feelings, seeing you go through times of discomfort, hormonal swings and pain associated with uterine problems, wasn't something I liked to see my W go through.

Sure, life is different after a hysterectomy. but most people do well and I don't see women as less of anything other than Less in pain and discomfort.

As I age, not being able to have kids becomes a bigger plus every year. FWIW.

I respect what each woman feels/thinks. I just wanted to give my male POV and hope it helped you see, you can and will still be desirable no matter what happens.

(wise crack deleted)

Betsey, Best wishes and I hope things work out well for you.

Remember 2:30 most Sundays, King Ave IHOP, inside NE corner.

Lou

[OG_Lou]

Balto http://www.hystersisters.com. I read the forum for several months.

Here are some solutions posted on the forum but so many women post problems I was beginning to feel/think good sex was a thing of the past.

Here is another forum for women with breast cancer that have sex drive problems but they intellectually want a better sex life.
http://community.breastcancer.org/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=69566&an=0&page=0#Post69566

Note to all women. A good guy sees you just as desirable with or with out your inner workings. A good guy sees you just as sexy before and after breast cancer, if you act and feel like you did or as close to as you can feel sexy, prior to the surgery.

Most of the time we are just happy you are going to be better and live.

Lou

[shmagic]

Balto

I'm glad you understood what I meant by the possibility that your pressure on her inability to orgasm at the moment could be making her feel she's not good enough any more.

I didn't mean to imply that your own performance was in question just that she could sense your own unhappiness that you wanted to give her pleasure but the fact that she was unable to respond in the way that you want her too could make her even less likely to respond.

Lou you misunderstood I think when I was using the ED situation to try to explain what I meant.

In some ways it is similar and is recognised as a female disfunction problem and as you will know they are looking at a drug for women similar to viagra. Actually may be available in America already.

Trouble is when you have surgery many women DO NOT feel as sexy when you lose your breasts or womb so you CAN'T act as sexy as you did because that is not who you are any more. Part of what made you feel like a woman is gone and the fear of the future is still there.

Yes it can be overcome and logically it doesn't make sense but hey since when has a woman been logical???? LOL I'm allowed to say that cos I'm a woman.

Betsey good luck with your surgery hopefully you'll feel better and keep us posted.

shmagic

[Underdog]

Hi Balto, Lou and Schmagic,

Thanks for weighing in on such a touchy topic. Believe me, it warms my heart knowing that the male species are so generous with the desirability words and feelings. I *know* you're all right about the issue, and I'll eventually unwind myself so that I once again have a healthy self image not tied to my physical body and all its failings but to my soul. I work very hard at that.

Balto, MANY thanks for that link. I'm going to be checking it out and reading up on things. I did have to laugh at that male topic you posted. Damn, that's funny.

But what I want mainly to point out to Balto and DIY that although the words and feelings behind them are definitely appreciated, this is a skirmish fought on a battleground all by myself and all by Mrs. Balto. The "enemy" isn't you as a spouse or time or as simple as hormones or an aging physical body.

These concepts are all entwined.

For example, in my heart of hearts, I know that losing my uterus and whatever course that follows will not affect how others see me. I guess where I'd like to start is to explain to you how powerful the hormones that rule us really are. Happily, this explanation made me happy to hear in the doctor's office--I haven't ovulated for probably 6 months. I had no idea about this, but was very bothered/puzzled by my bizarre irritation with things that normally don't bother me at all... by my seemingly EASY ability to cry for very stupid reasons... by my sudden 15 lb weight gain... by my lethargy and feeling hopeless.

If I could pull a mind over matter, all of this would clear up immediately. I don't want to be irritated or have crying episodes at work. I don't want to be forgetful or spacy. I definitely don't want to be hopeless about life. Yet, here I am. Every day I wake up with this struggle. Some days are much easier than others. Some days I can wake up and function like I did before. But others seem extraordinarily overwhelming.

I'll have the biopsy on Tuesday and we'll take it from there. Believe it or not, I'm okay with the idea of losing my parts. I just don't want to dismiss how I truly feel as how I'm going to act as if I feel. My hormones just might have other ideas and I'm going to have to muster some patience to deal with them.

That being said... Balto, does your wife share with you everything she reveals to her gyno? I also have a terrific R with my regular OB, and would talk to her about just about anything. She's delivered my 2 girls and was my staunch supporter through cervical cancer 10 years ago. There are things I'd ask and tell her before I'd tell my H/XH.

I want to ask you something in relation to what you posted to me:

It is her desire for sex (or maybe for sex with me) that seems to have been lost.

Give me some reasons why 1) it could be sex in general and 2) why it might be sex with you specifically. Maybe I can interpret some of this stuff through a severely whacked emotional filter... just some clues that might be able to get you moving into a different direction.

I'm not advocating that you walk around assuming there is something wrong with her. In those shoes, nothing would piss me off more! Where I'd first like to go is maybe to suggest you start by really digesting is that things have really changed for her. Change doesn't have to imply a bad outcome, Balto. And nowhere here am I even deeming to suggest that you accept a lifetime of no sexual passion with your W. I don't even want to make excuses for her either. I'm just offering to give you clues as to how you might be able to approach this issue systemically and not from a specific technical angle. All these things are intertwined.

One other thing--is there any reason in your past that she might feel as though you are not compassionate or understanding of her needs? I'm not saying that it's THE truth, but maybe HER truth? I won't blast you for it, but just maybe it will provide a clue on what she really needs to work through feeling more intimate with you outside the bedroom.

I'll just close by saying that I never imagined that this path would leave me feeling the way I feel. Ten years ago, I begged my OB to do a hysterectomy and she said no, because there are a thousand good reasons to keep it, including the mental ones. Now that I'm faced with looking at my female reproductive life in the rear view mirror, I just feel sad. A part of me wishes I had been open to having more children. The honest part of me says that I never wanted more than the two that I have. So you tell me where this makes sense? It doesn't! In a nutshell, let's not approach your quandary from a completely logical standpoint. There is NOTHING logical about female hormones!

Lou, one of these days I'm going to pop in that IHOP! D13 has been asking me when we can head to Montana, since it appears that her dad isn't going any time soon. I'm contemplating fall break, which is the last week in October here. She's been invited to go to Phoenix with a friend, but I'm not quite sure if that's going to be cast in stone. We'll just see.

Believe me gentlemen, I DO know that what you've said is the honest-to-God's truth. It will just take some time for me to work through these nasty self image issues. I appreciate having some seasoned men weigh in so positively. Mr. Wonderful (my XH) has been absolutely awesome, and though he doesn't weigh in on the desirability factor for obvious reasons, he's been extraordinarily compassionate--and I really feel blessed to have a terrific support system.

Schmagic, thanks! I post in Hopefulness, and I'll try and at least update my thread once a week or so if you want to come visit.

Off to mow this lawn before the temperature soars to 96!

Betsey

p.s. Balto, I'm reading 3 different books on menopause, perimenopause and alteratatives to hormone replacement therapy. If I find something useful for you, I promise to share.

[Kim07]

Baltoman,

I have had a total hysterectomy, in 2001, there are sooo many things that could be going on! I'd rather not list them here, but I think I can guess specifically on a couple of issues in your 1st couple posts that your W might be going thru where you seem to be completely dumbfounded, hard if not impossible to understand from a man's POV, hormones, emotions, new body,etc. b/c we are built differently than men & behave differently.

I'm not a DR., but I play one on t.v.(Joey in an episode of Friends), I have worked in the med field for a while including the lab and there are some things you need to check into if you want to give me a try??

Please e-mail me so I can give you my phone#, ok??
[e-mail]

[Heywyre]

Betsey

I wish you all the luck in the world regarding your biopsy - it is a VERY stressful time for you I know. I went through the "fear" a number of years ago of facing a hysterectomy. Thank goodness I didn't have to go through it. I got my tubes tied, and my body rejected it, making things EXTREMELY difficult in the hormone department. Once again, I was spared. I have been blessed indeed. However, through it all, I had the love and support of my H and that was a blessing in itself.

I read everything I could on perimenopause and decided, against the advice of my doctor, to go the natural way and find alternative supplements through a health food store. I don't regret it one bit!! Perimenopause lasted about 10-11 years for me

I have been in full blown menopause for about 3-4 years now and thought I could back off the natural remedies - I was wrong!! I have put myself back on track and feel much better. And knowing I am not feeding my body with mare urine, sure helps too - how natural is that? Maybe to a horse, but I'm not THAT overweight - lol

Take care - we'll be rooting for ya

[OG_Lou]

shmagic Trouble is when you have surgery many women DO NOT feel as sexy when you lose your breasts or womb so you CAN'T act as sexy as you did because that is not who you are any more. Part of what made you feel like a woman is gone and the fear of the future is still there.
I can imagine many women feel that way. No problem with me believing some/many women and some men think that way.

I was putting in my $0.02 that most caring guys have heard women can feel/think they are less in some ways but the caring guy factors that loss into the R, to keep the R going.

Say the R used to go along at 65 miles per hour. Post surgery a caring guy will expect some things to be different and adjusts to a lower speed, additional navigational aids, shorter trips, etc. That is my mechanical explanation.

Yes it can be overcome and logically it doesn't make sense but hey since when has a woman been logical???? LOL I'm allowed to say that cos I'm a woman.
That makes sense to me because I see something like that happening every week.

Actually may be available in America already
Not here. We always think you Europeans have things first. LOL.

There are a bunch of products advertised on TV that make miracle claims, but none work. I am embarrassed as an American when I see some advertisements on TV. If people around the world judge and evaluate Americans by the movies and TV advertisements, they don't get a true picture of the common person. So many TV advertisements are not based on reality.

Betsey
I follow/understand where you are coming from and do not disagree with anything you say or feel. You wrote and explained everything so much better than I could.

I just wanted you to know the guys I know don’t think any less of their female friends because something was removed. Most guys know the woman will feel some differences and losses.

Some guys wonder if it was them going through medical situation, how would they want things to be? How would they want to be treated? That leads to them hopefully understanding what their women go through and are feeling, so the men can act appropriately.

Betsey good luck with your surgery hopefully you'll feel better and keep us posted.

Lou

[Heywyre]

the guys I know don’t think any less of their female friends because something was removed

Is that REALLY the truth Lou or do they just say that for fear it might get back to their wives? I know when I got my reduction, my H didn't say a word to me. He wouldn't look at me for ages (said he couldn't stand to see the incisions - which I totally understand, he's a bit squemish in that regard). But it wasn't until years later when he asked me to go through his medical records for a personal matter he was dealing with that I saw a notation about how my reduction lessened his desire (I was crushed)

So maybe you say these things but you don't really feel them - just my take on it

[OG_Lou]

Is that REALLY the truth Lou or do they just say that for fear it might get back to their wives?
I will say most guys have empathy for women and what they experience.

I don't know any guy that wants to get PG and I think some guys feel luck they don't have to do all the female things so they might get frustrated with the woman in his life but the guy knows it isn't easy, so he allows for the extra things women have to experience.

But it wasn't until years later when he asked me to go through his medical records for a personal matter he was dealing with that I saw a notation about how my reduction lessened his desire (I was crushed)
This is just me HW. I saw what women went through with over sized breasts. I would not want that for myself so wouldn't want it for BB.

I can imagine my desire being lessened if BB had breast pain because she was too large. I don't know all of the problems with large breasts but I did listen carefully to the few reduction programs on the medical channel.

Before surgery I could relate to the problems. After surgery the scars looked somewhat painful but I thought the women were better looking post surgery. I saw more smiles and that was enough for me to say WTG mentally to the women on the TV program.

What looks gross are the topless dancers that get breast implants and have names like Dew, Honey melons. I wouldn’t wish those EEE’s or larger breast on anyone.

But like a lot of things in life, some women have then naturally. In that case I say do what feels like it is right to the woman.

BB has 1 small breasts and a half of a small breast due to a lumpectomy and I don’t think any less of her. Chit happens. Unfortunately chit happens to more women than men.

And another thing, each and every one of could have been the other sex. Gender was determined by which X-Y sperm got the job done first. So don’t be proud/ashamed you are male or female. College biology and several other classes changed my mind about quite a few things.

Lou
Nite.

[tryingtoholdon]

I had a hysterectomy when I was 29. We had an awesome family of 4 children. I felt blessed about that. I did go through a period of mouring I guess you can say even though we knew we didn't want more children. Just the fact that I knew that part of me was gone. : (

As far as sex drive it didn't do anything at all except increase it I think. Because I knew I couldn't get pregnant. There was no more withdrawling or protection. He could cum inside me and that feeling is awesome. However at this time he was the one with the LD. So I haven't benefited as much as I would like to in having wild worry free sex all the time. They did leave both my ovaries in. But it never really affected me in any way. The not having a menstrual cycle has been AWESOME!