Introspection, Growth, and Acceptance

[galing]

So, here are a few things that stuck out to me by reading through my thread:

1) There has been a lot of push/pull going on. It seems like everytime my H has come closer, I've retreated and vice versa.
2) I haven't understood at all what my H has needed or wanted in this process. I often haven't been told and when he did think he told me, I usually didn't understand what he wanted and the message.
3) I had a really hard time not letting his moods and behaviors impact me.
4) There was a time period in January-Feb. where he really started coming towards me. We were spending time together, he was telling me things that bothered him, he said I love you, he was going to IC, and MC. But it was still a very very conflicting time and the words and actions didn't always match and I felt like I was on egg shells non stop and none of my needs were being met. After the months of abuse and the affair, I didn't have it in me to be his friend and not having any needs met. I pulled away when he started to come closer. I did it again just recently when he was ready to try being friends again. However, he also pulled away. As soon as he started to open up to me, he did really hurtful things (like stay out until 4 in the morning and tell me to f off), and then I retreated more. As soon as I started to trust, he seemed to do something drastic to push me away again. And even though he was doing these baby steps it was still a very disrespectful relationship. We did not tell each other where we were spending time, didn't eat meals together, say when we were coming and going, didn't count on one another. We were roomates, but kind of dating half-ass. I think I did the same... as soon as he started to trust me, I would do something stupid like snoop. Fears on both sides I think ruled a lot.
5) There has been a huge control fight through this whole thing. Even when I felt like I took myself out of the control war, then I felt like I was being a doormat. I couldn't seem to try and find a balance between sticking up for myself and not fighting for control, and not being completely disrespected and a door mat.
6) Often it has been after periods of silence that my H has come forward with his thoughts. He is an introvert, I'm an extrovert. When he shares feelings, it seems he wants me to just listen and hear them. When I share feelings, I want someone to have a conversation with me.
7) I have really allowed myself to be disrespected. I love him unconditionally, even when I don't like him, and I've made excuses for his behavior and treatment of me. I've allowed myself to be with him, sexually, etc. at times when it made no sense whatsoever. I'm a bit ashamed of that now looking back. I disrespected myself. I did not treat him to treat me well. Because he seemed sick etc. or because I in my mind was making him to be what I wanted him to be, or believing in him as my H, or as the man I love, I think I dismissed who he was being and allowed myself to spend time and give attention to a man that really didn't deserve that from me and that sent the wrong message.

Anyway, in the end, I'm not sure that these things really matter. What matters is more the other things I've reflected on lately, which is how we got in the mess in the first place so that I don't repeat those behaviors with someone in a future relationship.