Why do these things happen IV

[789]

See 789, even Jazz is speaking in more positive terms about his situation! That's a great sign right there

Jazz, you locked up another thread, what is that like one a day?

LIke I said a bit ago, I have not given up, and I think it was more of a positive than a negative. She called a little while ago and we talked again for about a half hour. My last 3/4 posts were after that conversasion. I will post that next

[789]

Okay, here is todays phone convo to the best of my memory.

She called because she thought we should finish the talk we had last nite, also to let me know when I showed up she was mad, but as now softened that stance.

She has no plans to file for divorce right now or anytime soon.

She wants me to stop falling or rising on every word or statement she makes, she knows me well.

She acknowledged my past again and does have sympathy towards it.

Without saying really saying it, I think she wants to miss me, so after tonight I and her are both going dark, I know that sounds kinda wierd but she thought that would be best for now, she did not use the word dark but I got what she meant. With that in mind we do want to do stuff together with son from time to time during the month.

We are going to talk to son tonight or in near future. This is what we decided at the moment to say, could change.
"Son, you already know mommy and daddy do not live together and for now we do not know what is going to happen. We want you to know that both of us love you dearly and will always be your parents no matter what happens.
Mommy and daddy do love each other but right now we cannot be together, but we also want to do things as a family." can't remember the rest at the moment.

Now here is the wierd part, I have seen people in these boards mention it from spouses, but the way she said it, it did not come out sounding bad, so I want to know if it is, I actually do not really think she would, but who knows.
She said she would like me to go out and date, and she would like to also, she said if that was something I could handle, she would want some ground rules.
1st - Our son never hears or sees anything.
2nd - We do not hide it from each other.
3rd - If it becomes sexual we also do not hide that.
4th - Always safe sex.
5th - If we can work it out, we do not hold it over the others head, especially if one does and the other does not.
6th - Both get tested if we work it out, even if neither says or has done anything.

I actually don't think I could, I really don't think she could either, but if it should happen, I know I could forgive in a heart beat, and she would not hold it over my head either. Now if this happened while together, that would be another story, I don't think I could handle it. Now for a little background on wife, I am her first and only, not that it is a smart thing to agree with, but maybe it is something she needs to get out of her system, I on the other hand have had, well enuff said. Am I wierd or stupid if I agree to this ?

I know alot more was said but my memory is a blank now.

I can say it was probably the best discussion we have had this year. I am not really any more hopeful or less hopeful than before, but heck, she talked. I am actually feeling great about this, I am feeling that I can let go and be happy. I think it is time for me to really go out and GAL without feeling guily which I have been feeling when I go and do something.

[789]

I am off and running for the next hour or two.

Jazz, Jr, NM, LFH, Amy and anyone else that wants to chime in
I would really appreciate any insight / opinions / 2x4's .


I know it is wierd, but today is still the best day I have felt emotionally in months.

[JR2007]

I am off and running for the next hour or two.

Jazz, Jr, NM, LFH, Amy and anyone else that wants to chime in
I would really appreciate any insight / opinions / 2x4's .


I know it is wierd, but today is still the best day I have felt emotionally in months.

well, you had an honest conversation with your W, some good things came of it, and you can focus on yourself for a little while now. I'm not a fan of the dating part, but that's something you guys worked out, so good for you, at least you're being up-front and honest about it.

The going dark thing may be the key, she HAS to have some time to miss you. If you're always there it always feels the same to her. Now you go out, you do things, you go places, and she's wondering where you are and what you're doing and that gets her interested again. That could be very good.

It really sounds like she just needs a little time and you'll be in a place where you can get things resolved. How's your patience stacking up? I know, mine's crappy too

Oh, no 2x4's needed, I don't think...

[789]

[quote=789]I am off and running for the next hour or two.

Jazz, Jr, NM, LFH, Amy and anyone else that wants to chime in
I would really appreciate any insight / opinions / 2x4's .


I know it is wierd, but today is still the best day I have felt emotionally in months.

well, you had an honest conversation with your W, some good things came of it, and you can focus on yourself for a little while now. I'm not a fan of the dating part, but that's something you guys worked out, so good for you, at least you're being up-front and honest about it.

Well just got back from her place. She brought up some of the same things and a couple more.

I don't think she wants me to date, I think that was her way of saying go out, do things, stop obsessing about her. I also don't think she wants to date either. I guess if it happens it does, but don't see it happening, I will disappear and make her wonder sometimes, haven't done that yet.

The going dark thing may be the key, she HAS to have some time to miss you. If you're always there it always feels the same to her. Now you go out, you do things, you go places, and she's wondering where you are and what you're doing and that gets her interested again. That could be very good.

I agree, she did not use this terminology, but she said that is what she wants, dark, from both of us, she wants to miss me! Those were her words.

It really sounds like she just needs a little time and you'll be in a place where you can get things resolved. How's your patience stacking up? I know, mine's crappy too

Your right, I am going to give it to her and actually be comfortable about it now. Her other big issue was my ups and downs with whatever she says, I agreed with her completely and said it stops and stops now.

Now for the kicker, she also made the comment that in the past she has wanted to hug me when I left, but was/is afraid I will take it as more. With me promising to stop analyzing everything, she asked if it was okay to hug me when I leave sometimes.

Oh, no 2x4's needed, I don't think...

Come on, it's friday.

[mkultra]

It sounds like she is lonely but that she is curious about being with someone else, but hopefully she will get over that. At this point, there is no one out there, sorry, but statistically it is hard to find someone who is going to be better than the person in the primary relationship unless there is some kind of abuse. Having said that, I think you were fine to state your true feelings regarding the welfare of your son and your wishes. Having a sexual relationship even in separation may be a big mistake even if you both act like it is OK. Jealousy may rear its head in other ways and trust will be more difficult to rebuild later. Try to be patient and avoid a rebound relationship. It is only a month, aloooong time now, but not in the big picture! You will do great.

[789]

I think she may be curious about being with someone else, but I still do not believe she ever would, unless we get divorced, not sure why she brought it up other than trying to get to stop thinking about her.

I have no desire to go out and look, a divorce would be final before I think I could even venture in that direction.

As for my son, we both are going to try to relieve his fears the best we can, unfortantly we cannot end them all, at least for the time being.

[789]

Well about 24 hours has past since I last talked to or have seen wife, and yet this is the best mentally I have been in a long while. Hopefully it was her actually talking, or something just clicking in my head that is making me feel this way. I feel so at peace and actually feel better about this whole thing working out in the long run. I promise not to get my hopes up to high, it is the releasing of her in my mind that is helping.

[789]

I pick up my son tonight, I have him till wednesday morning. After I leave my wifes place after picking him up, I won't see her again till July 8th, that is two full weeks. You all are going to be sick of me.

[NMHurting]

I think the time and space will do you both some good. Honestly. I think i'm in the same position that my wife hasn't had a chance to miss me. I'm trying, but to be honest I'm not sure if she ever will really miss me. I'm having a hard time coming to grips with the fact she may not. I'm having a hard time letting go. I'm trying to force myself to go dark on her but it's hard with the kids and the weekly lesson together.