My marriage is hopeless IV

[25yearsmlc]

ERC,

I agree with Mike but would veer off the "talk to your L" exact quote b/c it can sound snotty or petty. But keep it short.

As for the daughters seeing you cry, hmmm. Have to ponder that one. I dislike dishonesty so on one hand if this is how you are feeling, wth? But they do have to know that you will recover and that you are strong (also both true). Like I said, gotta ponder more.

In your sitch, more than most, seems your w really does have to learn "experientially" (ie by actually doing) and that words of wisdom even coming from the Nobel prize winning geniuses, would not sway her. But yet, I somehow feel hopeful when I read your words.

I never met her or you and only know the sitch from the words you type here. But her past comments, her otherwise essentially normal maternal instincts, her lack of APPARENT anger/blame at you and some signs that she feels guilt, all lead me to wonder exactly how confident and accurate her plans are. I know much more than she does about what to expect from a MD h, and MINE doesn't have an ex-wife and kids to support...Geez, IF she only knew. If she only didn't have to hurt innocent people to learn some big lessons.

Maybe she is smart but not wise. If she could step back and see how cliched and predictable this all is...The married doctors I really know, probably 50 or more, seem to fall into more clearly defined groups as husbands, but YES I know I am generalizing. Just to say that some of them (Like FIB on this bb, for instance) are such fine men, good listeners, active parents, friends, energetic lovers, and smart partners---very lucky wives (same goes for female docs in same sitch). But others of course, fall into the "working spoiled" category. Since they've worked so hard so long, they feel entitled to whatever they want. Since they do apparent good in the community, they feel immunized to bad intentions ever being attributed to them. Their egos don't seem TO THEM to need constant stroking and re-affirmation of their relative greatness, but they indeed are always starving for yet another credential, honor, title, lover, trophy spouse, etc. Family time isn't nearly fast enough in its' reward for them...

I'm babbling now. But like I said, your w's sitch is just so predictable. I can only think of two 2nd marriages that seem to be working after a few years. In one, the wife felt unloved, due mostly to lack of time together, and she got bitter and that showed and they divorced. This is incredibly typical of divorced doctors. Then, unlike some, that h grew and changed. Thus, when He remarried, he seemed kinder to his 2nd wife and made time for his kids from the first M. If only he had done the same thing earlier....maybe w#1 would not have become bitter, but who knows? And there are women/men who want a doctor/trophy spouse so much it doesn't matter a whole lot that the doc doesn't treat them all that well b/c they've consciously (or not so consciously) made the trade off. The other doc's situation I recall, is that the doc cheated on his first wife, and kids, and M another doctor. Then he cheated on w#2 after the birth of Their first child. I ran into her (w#2) 3 years later, and she said she had written to the first wife to apologize for being any part of the guy's first D, and she said to me, "You know, it seems so obvious now, [that he would cheat again]...but when you are up close to things you can be blind..." fwiw.

j-