....fear. Men, many times, fear their W's. Fear of their responses to our comment's...fear of their reactions....if you are going to get into a fight, why bother? or not doing something. Or....hope.
You are right....What is there for me to fear anymore? She is D'ing me at this point. Why fear her....
Quote:
I agree with MinM. There are two choices here: -sit back, listen and do nothing, or -get a new MC
My STBXW will not go see another C. So my only option is to sit back and listen at this point. I guess I should be happy that I get an hour every other week with her. Talk about crumbs...
FIB, hijack away......
All, I had to let you all know what my W included in her purposed provisional agreement. When it came to stating who recieves which car this is what her L put in. "Husband is given the temporary use and possesion of the 2007 fully loaded TrailBlazer".
I had to laugh when I saw "fully loaded" put into this document. My L also thought that it was pretty immature of her L to do. It will be interesting to see what else her L tries to slip into these documents going forward.
it'd be weird NOT to bring up the A, after being told you have never met her needs, blah blah blah, jammer jammer, clang clang. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25, I agree it would have been strange for us to go through counseling and never have it mentioned. My wife is still saying that it is over between them and her counselor backed her saying "I feel the A is not going on at this point". Yesterday, during the day we did our talking through our L's. She ended up agreeing to all the changes that I wanted in her purposed provisional agreement. I now do not have to go to court on Friday. When I got home my W told me that it bothers her that I feel the A is still going on and that I still do not get it. I guess my L told her L that I felt the A was still going on and that I wanted a quick D. She also told that she thought the comment about my car being fully loaded was funny. I told her that I felt it was immature and unprofessional. She ended up saying that her L was just trying to make a point that she was getting the older car and that I had the brand new one. I did not say anything to that, but if we are going to make points in legally documents I think I have more of a right and more ammo. I do not want to go there and will be telling my L not to either. She also said that she is not going to any play games. Towards the end of our conversation I was telling her that I got that she feels we have never connected....She ended up telling me that I am still ERC and she started to cry.... but stopped herself as best she could.....
Today she has 5D and is going to Great America. I have 2D tonight it will be just the two of us. It she be fun, she is an awesome kid.
My 5D has been asking to come to work with me lately, so I am thinking of coming in late one of these days and working a half day. Of course I will be bringing 5D with me.
Last night when my W and 5D got home I had a pleasant conversation with my W. We only talked about her day with 5D, but any conversation is probably good at this point. At one point in the conversation she says/ask me: "If it doesn't make you uncomfortable could you please massage my neck". I did not say anything I just went over to her and massaged her neck and back. From that point conversation was still just about her day.... Then at the end of the conversation she has to go and bring up the D. Can't I go a day without talking about the D with her.
On another note my old roommate is coming into town in July. It should be a goodtime to hang out with him, I am looking forward to it.
Yesterday after work I picked up 2D from my IL's house. It was ackward, but pleasant. I don't know how else to describe that interaction. After that I just hungout with 2D. We had dinner, washed my truck, and went for a bike ride. While putting 2D to bed everything hit me once again. How many more times does my little girl need to see her Daddy cry. Nightly I typically tuck both girls into bed.... I won't be able to do this anymore and that thought/reality hurts. Heck, I am forcing myself to not cry while typing this out.
Sorry to hear things aren't turning around for you. You are an amazing father and never gave up on your marriage. You are a better person because of this. We are all going to make it through this. It is very sad to see that your innocent girls are going to be hurt the most by your D and your W is still putting her own feelings first. Some day, our WAS are going to wake up but it will be too late. Take care and hang in there.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
W just emailed me a little while ago asking me how we can get her name off of the mortgage so she can get a loan..... Well the document that you just signed specifically states that we are not to incur anymore debt or selloff any assets during the D. I guess you are stuck until the D is final. My answer to her when she brings this up again is "talk to your L".
Hopeless, Thanks for the kind words. As you know it helps to lesson the sting of the sitch getting support from awesome people like yourself.
ERC I hope you don’t mind but I am cross posting in all of your threads because I value all of your inputs and I want to make sure all of you see this. Please respond back in my thread thanks.
I found a “wife profile” test in the book I have been reading “the five languages of love” It about how different people need different things to feel they are loved. There is 1) touch, 2) words of affection 3) act of service 4) gifts and 5) quality time.
Buy answering these 20 questions it is supposed to reveal what your “love language is. I have not asked my W for ANYTHING for the last 2 months. I was going to print this out and tell my W I am working on my problems and ask her if she would help me and would answer these questions for me. There is no writing involved you just circle a letter.
I’m going to ask her to answer these questions thinking what she would like her perfect husband to do.
What do you think? Again I am sorry for cross threading this but it is important to me that I have all of your inputs. (I a still going out Friday)
husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
"Talk to your lawyer" is always a good response. However, in this case she's not really trying to negotiate, she is looking for info. So I think it is ok to respond (by e-mail):
"In order to remove a name from the mortgage, it would have to be re-financed. As you know, we signed an agreement that we would not incur debt or sell off assets during the divorce process. Therefore, unfortunately, no action can be taken regarding the mortgage until the divorce is final. That is my understanding, at least, but I urge you to check with your lawyer."
In practice, any bank she went to would ask her marital status and whether a divorce was pending. They will not even consider a mortgage in that case.
I was thinking this would be a chance to be sympathetic about how difficult D is. But "talk to your lawyer" is always the safe answer.
On the other hand, if you want to really annoy your W, you can tell her that it would have been possible for you to refinance, right up to the minute she filed for divorce, but now your hands are tied.
Mike, Thanks... I haven't responded yet to her..I think I will wait until she brings it up again.
Journaling: Today I took the day off so that I could get the fridge repaired. Needless to say the repair guy came over and told me what I already knew. He did however inform me were I could get the part, so I ended up fixing the fan in our fridge on my own.
My W had her girlfriend over this morning and I found out that her friend is now trying to find a place of her own because her H is leaving her. I knew this was going to happen just did not realize how soon.
My W brought our girls to the pool today while I fixed the fridge and came home for the girls naps. Her mood fluctuates from being frustrated to happy a lot lately and today was just the same.
I was able to get most of the financial paper work filled out today while the girls where sleeping. This has me in a down mood. I am not depressed, just my spirit is down a bit.
I cooked steaks for my W and I and had dinner as a family. Everything is still surfaces between us. I really hate this. My W used to tell me everything, now I get nothing, zip, nada...
I have the girls by myself tonight because my W needed sometime for herself to journal and read. Is this what she is really doing? Who knows, who cares anymore.....
I have the girls all weekend and do not have much planned. I was thinking of bringing them to my parents tomorrow night so they can see the firework show down the street.
Why..Why...Why... I miss my family but I know that I need to get used to this...
I forgot to mention this, yesterday at work I got a little ego boost. I was talking to a few co-workers and the one girl that works in my area said "ERC you don't have to worry. You won't be alone for long. You are good looking, have a great job and a great guy".... I did not let this go to my head but it did feel good to hear. (Don't worry I will not be having an A of my own with this co-worker)
Hopefully everybody else is in a better mood then I.
I agree with Mike but would veer off the "talk to your L" exact quote b/c it can sound snotty or petty. But keep it short.
As for the daughters seeing you cry, hmmm. Have to ponder that one. I dislike dishonesty so on one hand if this is how you are feeling, wth? But they do have to know that you will recover and that you are strong (also both true). Like I said, gotta ponder more.
In your sitch, more than most, seems your w really does have to learn "experientially" (ie by actually doing) and that words of wisdom even coming from the Nobel prize winning geniuses, would not sway her. But yet, I somehow feel hopeful when I read your words.
I never met her or you and only know the sitch from the words you type here. But her past comments, her otherwise essentially normal maternal instincts, her lack of APPARENT anger/blame at you and some signs that she feels guilt, all lead me to wonder exactly how confident and accurate her plans are. I know much more than she does about what to expect from a MD h, and MINE doesn't have an ex-wife and kids to support...Geez, IF she only knew. If she only didn't have to hurt innocent people to learn some big lessons.
Maybe she is smart but not wise. If she could step back and see how cliched and predictable this all is...The married doctors I really know, probably 50 or more, seem to fall into more clearly defined groups as husbands, but YES I know I am generalizing. Just to say that some of them (Like FIB on this bb, for instance) are such fine men, good listeners, active parents, friends, energetic lovers, and smart partners---very lucky wives (same goes for female docs in same sitch). But others of course, fall into the "working spoiled" category. Since they've worked so hard so long, they feel entitled to whatever they want. Since they do apparent good in the community, they feel immunized to bad intentions ever being attributed to them. Their egos don't seem TO THEM to need constant stroking and re-affirmation of their relative greatness, but they indeed are always starving for yet another credential, honor, title, lover, trophy spouse, etc. Family time isn't nearly fast enough in its' reward for them...
I'm babbling now. But like I said, your w's sitch is just so predictable. I can only think of two 2nd marriages that seem to be working after a few years. In one, the wife felt unloved, due mostly to lack of time together, and she got bitter and that showed and they divorced. This is incredibly typical of divorced doctors. Then, unlike some, that h grew and changed. Thus, when He remarried, he seemed kinder to his 2nd wife and made time for his kids from the first M. If only he had done the same thing earlier....maybe w#1 would not have become bitter, but who knows? And there are women/men who want a doctor/trophy spouse so much it doesn't matter a whole lot that the doc doesn't treat them all that well b/c they've consciously (or not so consciously) made the trade off. The other doc's situation I recall, is that the doc cheated on his first wife, and kids, and M another doctor. Then he cheated on w#2 after the birth of Their first child. I ran into her (w#2) 3 years later, and she said she had written to the first wife to apologize for being any part of the guy's first D, and she said to me, "You know, it seems so obvious now, [that he would cheat again]...but when you are up close to things you can be blind..." fwiw.
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
