Looks like my first thread locked up.... After 8 months, this is how I feel. My H won't break it off with OW, so I am moving on.
Thanks ERC for your nice comments. You said, "Your H will realize someday that he married out of his league and how stupid he was for walking away from you." The sad thing is that I think that he already feels that way, he just won't do anything about it.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
He just called me the 3rd time this week. It's amazing as soon as he feels me moving on, he grasps at anything he can. He called my mom. He has not talked to or saw any of my family for 8 months. Why now? According to our conversation on sunday, he is staying with OW and we are getting divorced. He just said that she said that if there was any way that we could work things out, she wouldn't hold this against him. Why is he talking about that with my mother? At this point, in his mind, there shouldn't be any thoughts of working things out with me. He made his choice (or non-choice in his case). This proves that he is not over me or our marriage. The trouble now is that I think that I am.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
My H does the same thing to me. It has been 7 months since our seperation and his affair started about Aug/Sept 2006. It seems that every few months he makes comments to me about us. This proves to me that he has not completely let me go. I once told him that I knew he was putting his feelings on the back burner and not dealing with it. He agreed to this. However, he is still with OW and now tells me that he wants to be with her and have a future with her. I have gotten tired of his games and decided to completely move on. I feel that he isn't quite finished with me, and that when I am doing even better than I am today, then he will try again. It is hard because we have 17 month old twins. I just keep thinking, "What kind of man leaves his wife, who just had his babies?" I cannot stand to be with someone like this. I feel like I have lost all respect for him. I hope things work out for you and only you. In the end, you will have to be the one to decide what is best for you. I say that if you and your H decide to work on things, he needs to prove himself first and do some soul searching on his own. You have been doing yours for months, while he has been occupied with OW. Then, from there.....who knows. I wish you the best of luck and keep focusing on yourself.
Thanks for the comments. I'm sorry that you are going through this too. I am to the same point as you wondering what kind of man does this? I want to be with someone that loves me and only me. My H is currently on a controling streak. He is trying to control me, his family, and now I even think my family. I guess that he can only control as much as I let him. I am working on that.
My H has not stated that he wants to be with OW or that he thinks that there is any future with her. His behavior is more about not making a decision than making one. At one point, he wanted me or OW to tell him to get lost so he wouldn't have to make a decision. I told him last week that it is was over, but he's called me 3 times this week, so much for over. He also talked to my mom and said that we really need to make a decision. Where the h$ll was he when we talked last week when I said that I can't do this anymore? He only hears what he wants to.
How did you completely move on? I am trying to do this right now. The sad thing is that the only way my H will believed I will have moved on is if I was seeing someone else. I need to go out more, so he can see that I am not sitting at home waiting for him. I have been doing a lot over the last couple of months, but going out on Friday and Saturday nights to bars isn't really my thing, but I think that is what I need to do so he sees that I am moving on.
I remember those days. I told my H to quit calling me and he called me 40 times in one week and left me 13 text messages. I think this drove me even more crazy. One thing I started to do was ignore my H phone calls. This was difficult to do, but in the end it helps in the detaching process. So when your H calls, ignore him. Don't answer, no matter how hard it is. I figured that if it was important, he would leave a message and then I would call him back, if I felt it was truly important. Text messaging is also great, I told my H that if it was important to text me and not to call. He has always been the one to contact me. I have never done it. He finally quit two weeks ago. I don't know if it is because I told him that I was letting him go, or if it is because of OW. In any case, I feel great and it has been nice to have no contact with him. Another thing that I did to help me through the process, is focus on me. I know you hear that a lot, but it really does pay off. I have noticed a tremendous difference in myself. It has taken 7 months, but it has all been worth it. I wrote a list of things that I have been wanting to do and I started doing it. I am training for a marathon, going back to school for my masters, and I have taken one trip. On top of these long goals, I have little goals for myself everyday, like taking time for myself. As for the bars.............I went out with my friends in the beginning and I hated it. Now, I go out every other weekend and I have a blast. I go to dance and only to dance. The bars are a huge meat market and I find that disgusting, but on the otherhand, I know that I am not out to meet anyone. I am just out to have fun with my friends. I also have reconnected with other friends and go out to dinner. I try to do this at least once a month. I hope some of this helps. Remember, keep your chin up and start enjoying your life. It is a long road, but it will pay off. I am still on that road, but I know that even in a month it will be better and thereafter. It takes time, and I know sometimes time is the hardest, but also it is truly our best friend. I told my H once ,that I would not change anything that has happened because I became a stronger person and I like who I am now. I hope that someday, you can tell your H the same thing.
I think that I broke every DB principle tonight. I went to my H's niece's graduation party because he wasn't supposed to be there. Well, about 15 min after I showed up, he shows up driving OW's car, but he didn't have her with him. He hid her at one of his friends house. I told him that we need to talk. He said no we don't. I said what is going on with the D papers. He said that they are in the works. I said you have some nerve coming here driving her car while you are still married to me. I asked him why he didn't bring her with him. He lied and said she wasn't here, he was just driving her car. He walked away from me and I got into her car with him. He said you better get out because you don't know where you are going to end up. I told him I didn't care. I laid into him. I was so mad. I told him that he didn't have any balls and had some nerve being with her for 8 months and then not having the courage to divorce me. I told him a good woman wouldn't have stayed with a married man, and a good man wouldn't have stayed with her. At the end of the conversation, he said well I'm no good anyway, why do you want anything to do with me. I told him I made a promise, for better or worse till death do us part and you made the same promise.
I guess he came back hours later and realized that I was still there so he left me a nasty vm, saying that he couldn't even go to her party because of me. Then, later he sent me a tm that said I guess I don't have any balls, but you sure do. I'm detaching. I didn't call him back, didn't tm him back. These are childish games and I'm not playing them. I am a good person and deserve better.
I am officially done, not turning back done. I am going to call his attorney on Monday to see if he contacted him about getting new papers.
Hopeless, It gets to a point that you can only take so much. It amazes me how bold he was showing up in the OW's car. I guess he doesn't care who knows that he is cheating on his wife. What an upstanding individual! I'm sorry that you are going through this. You are right, do not give into his childish games. YOU ARE RIGHT, YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON AND DESERVE MUCH BETTER!
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I agree with YoYo. I had to tell myself that ignoring H will only make me the better person. As far as tonight goes, it is okay to have these types of downfalls. I just had my last confrontation a few weeks ago. How do our spouses think we are supposed to act anyway? I say, stick to your guns (no matter how hard it is) and just live your life. Enjoy You!
That is exactly what I am doing. I am going on vacation this week to see a friend, so hopefully, I will get away from this all for a few days. I am going to wait until after I get back to call his attorney and see what the status of the papers are. I am not answering any phone calls or tm, and if he continues to hold up this D, I will file myself.
He does have some nerve, and then to act like I was in the wrong. I had every right to be there. His niece was in first grade when I started to date my H, and as of today, I am still her aunt and still his wife. I had more right to be there than OW and I think that he really debated on bringing her. He has a bunch of nieces and nephews. What kind of man brings his mistress to a family function when he is still married to his wife and hasn't even filed for D?
I found out that he had discussions with his dad last week saying that he just didn't know what to do. My H and I had a discussion last Sunday and I told him it was over. Does he not listen to me, there is no decision left to make, he chose OW, and I am choosing to move on? His dad told him you need to get away from OW and sort this out. I am also mad at my fil. He had enough nerve to tell my mil that I was bitter. His son has enough nerve to be OW for 8 months while he is married to me and I don't have a right to be mad! He stands there and holds me when I am crying and says things are going to be ok and then acts like his hands are tied with his son. Give me a break. Don't act like you care about me if you don't. I can tolerate a lot of sh$t but don't pretend to stand behind me, and then turn your back on me because you aren't man enough to tell someone what you really think. I don't need you. I have gotten along fine this far and I will move on. In a situation like this, you really find out what people are made of. Some just don't want anyone to be mad at them, so they play both sides. Others just ignore me. I have been a part of this family for almost half of my life and they enough nerve to treat me like I don't even exist. It is bad enough that I have a lying, cheating H and now I have a bunch of ils without a backbone.
Sorry for all the venting. It has been a rough weekend.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
Venting is good and this is the place to do it. You need to. It helps. Going away for a week will be good for you. Enjoy yourself. I am so sorry that you also have to feel the loss of the in-laws. I have been fortunate with mine. They have now become more my parents than his. They have told him several times that they don't condone anything he has done and that he broke his marriage vows and his promise to God. They are a very strong, catholic family. They told H that they don't want anything to do with OW and she will never be a part of their family. I am away from my family and my in-laws are the only family i have here. My are a few thousand miles away. I wouldn't have gotten through everything if it hadn't been for them. I hope you have a great week and keep us posted on how everything goes. You are in my thoughts.
