I dropped in out of curiosity to see how things are going for you. Sorry to see it has escalated into a power struggle, but IMO that is the only possible outcome when dealing with someone who is in denial, who is an avoider, who has significant intimacy and self esteem issues. I still see no evidence (unless I missed something in skimming the posts) that she plans to hook up with this guy. Sure she might be thinking of something like this as an escape, but the meeting with her lawyer will bring that into focus.
BTW, her meeting with the lawyer is VERY necessary for you and her. Until a person knows exactly where the line is, it is too easy to fantasize about what divorce could be like. She can convince herself that she will get X amount of alimony, be able to maintain some level of lifestyle, all until the lawyer tells her otherwise. Likewise, you will probably have a rude awakening in your chances of getting primary guardianship over your kids. Whether you resolve to fight like h*ll or not, the courts will do what the courts will do, and your W does not seem so demented or unstable for a court to deny her primary guardianship. The 14 year old should be able to say who he wants to live with and the court will consider that.
I think your W is in a struggle to find herself and your actions may feel to her like you are trying to put her back under your thumb. So contrary to her being stubborn, I think you should look at her actions as pure survival, trying to avoid drowning in her old life as a SAHM. Anyone fighting for survival will appear to be surprisingly “stubborn.” So maybe looking at the situation through those filters is not serving your best interests, ya think? It hasn’t produced results so far.
I understand the difficulty in dealing with people like her. It is hard to engage and negotiate with someone who only knows to run. The thing to remember is that her running is really meant for you to chase her. But you’ve been chasing all your marriage and it has gotten you no where. I don’t think the problem is in your chasing, but in the type of “chase” you have made in the past. Now that you have changed your MO, she is confused. It will take a long time to turn this whole dynamic around. A month is nowhere long enough. Better plan on a couple of years.
You needed to switch to a more confrontational approach. But IMO, that approach will yield quicker results works with a spouse who want to engage in the M and avoid the worse situation of D. So it is better to negotiate than fight, if the marriage is the primary goal for the spouse. For your W, there is nothing that will trigger her fears and defenses more than confrontation. The marriage is not her primary goal. Gaining her self esteem and sense of independence and therefore her security is her main goal, IMO. So your actions to have her re-engage in the M are actually threatening to her goal. Yet at the same time, she needs to know where the line is and what you stand for, just as she needs to know what the courts will do.
IMO you can push this thing to irreversibly heading to D within a matter of months, if not weeks. I think it could be that close to the edge. OTOH, some show of understanding and compassion could go a long way to postponing D. Once she hears the hard facts from the lawyer, she may be open to hearing a more compassionate Choc as a way out of this nightmare. As stressed and panicked as you are, she is probably feeling 10 times more so.
You both need to get into long term counseling. She agreed to this. IMO, it is the ONLY hope for you to save your marriage. Both you and she need to reprogram your emotional reactions to each other, how you each perceive threats, how you perceive acts of service and how you react to caring and intimacy. I think the latter will be the hardest thing to change. You both want to be loved, but when you get it, will you be able to handle it? Will she be able to handle it?
Remember, she wants to be chased but she will run when you chase her. You need to be persistent, to the point that it finally dawns on her that your continued chasing, after she continually pushes you away, must mean that you really do care. By chasing, I mean having those heart-to-heart talks that bring to light each other’s fears and creates and new sense of understanding between you two. If she doesn’t want to talk, talk anyway. The current state of silence will breed the worst of stinkin’ thinkin’. She will interpret everything it the worst light, and she seems to be doing just that.
Yes, you need to protect yourself, but those actions can also send another unintended message, that you are escalating the war. Her only recourse is to respond in kind. She is incapable of approaching you to open communication, negotiate and work things out. All she knows to do is run. All this seems obvious to us here, but not to her.
The change needed in her perception is what will take lots of time to work through. Like I said, plan on a couple of years. You are approaching the fork in the road. Make your decision carefully. Reevaluate your methods to see what has worked and what has not. Try to put yourself into her shoes. You don’t have to always be confrontational and assertive to be the alpha male. Know when to back down.
