(( nic )) I can totally understand how hurtful it must be to see H doing things for his GF that you had wanted yourself. I felt that somewhat myself - lavish outings, time, etc.
OT - I think your perspective of your H's XW is wonderful, but you were not the OW at all. XW wanting 'privacy' when you are his W now is absurd. She has no right to demand that anymore. I could not imagine doing that in the future. I would be appalled at myself for being so ridiculous and disrespectful. My H had OW for sure (and can be classified as such) and I have to admit that some of my transgressions in M were toxic to H. My only gripe was that H did not communicate them, or did not give me a chance to work on the M together, he was already gone.
However, I will state my views on the OW stuff. While I don't think highly of the women in H's "exit" from our M, I also don't think they were evil. Sure, they're not like ME, and didn't pursue a R like I would have with a man, but neither did my H take that road. It's like blaming the Smirnoff bottle for alcoholism. It's out there, and we can't blame IT for our own poor choices. To me, blaming the OP solely and too much is enabling what got our spouses in this position to begin with: being a victim to poor choices, no accountability, no self-awareness and personal change. In fact, I will go as far as to say that demonizing the OP is patronizing...to our spouses. It makes them seem like stupid little boys who need to have their environment controlled to they don't behave badly. The sanctity of my M lay in the hands of my H and I, that is IT. It was not a strange woman's responsibility to save my M.
Of course, this is not to say that there are some OW that are not truly evil, controlling and plain weird. But, what do we expect from someone who needs to find security and a "relationship" by bedding a married person?
Why do they pander to the controlling? I was astounded when my H did the similar things. When he accepted qualities and behavior from another woman that he was simultaneously bashing me for (which were not true). I was baffled.
I think the answer lies in a revealing statement from my H when he had a lapse in madness: She was never meant to replace you, at all. She was not a soul mate or life partner.
I think the answer lies in WHY they need an OP to exit a M in the first place. Ideally, you should not. The type of person the OP is in their life...we notice that they "affair down" mostly.
This is a person who is willing to date a M person - take a person in a tumultuous state in life. Frankly, in many of the cases here, a person who is a mess. I can't imagine that our spouses have any REAL respect for these people. Because, after all, living with a person they had real respect for was too much. So, it's easy to let a person you, deep down, think is "beneath" have control, b/c it's not real control. It's like letting the kids win the game. You have the upper hand, the prize, the real control.
BUT, it's not easy to let a person you view (or once viewed) as an equal, have the control. That involves real pride, control, power. I think we, the LBS, fit into this category. It means being vulnerable.
I think it's easy to make the effort and play the game right if you know you will win. It's easier to take the day off, spend lavishly, give control to a person that you know will adore you, admire you - you have already won.
In some ways, I did feel sorry for the women in my H's life. I felt ashamed that I had been with a man who treated women this way - using them. I know it's bold and somewhat presumptuous for me to say that he did that, but it's obvious that he did, as do many here. I suspect they were lied to, as well. While I'm not taking out my violin for them, I do admit that our H's treatment of these women is just as appalling and uncaring as the OP were to our M's.
