"My take on it is that either he wants her to feel secure (and she's not, or why bother?), or she is controlling. Either way, it doesn't sound like a healthy R."
My H may actually do the same kind of narration when he talks to XW. He does it to share with me in cases in which we'll probably talk about it afterwards. He does it freely because he wants to. Just like people here post about convos to share them and talk about them. There is also some way in which making the conversation public reduces its intrusiveness into his life. I know it pisses off H's XW when he talks to her and she knows I am around. She makes snipey remarks about me not allowing them to have a private conversation. But it is really H's choice whether he talks to her when I am around or not, and he prefers conversation to be more public in some way. It keeps things more civil I guess, which is important when kids are involved and is hard when one X is still trying to be a part of the other X's life in ways that X does not welcome. (For instance, trying to work through problems in an R that no longer exists--kind of like the hospital incident you are correctly resisting rehashing.)
So, I really have no idea if you are right about your sitch or not. But, again, why does it matter? Why is it so important for them not to have a healthy R?
I am sure it hurts to see him doing things for her that he did not do for you. But, what hurts is that he did not do them for you and you accepted that. That is the hurt to work on healing, your own hurt about what he did to you. And, that is the hurt to heal by yourself. It is no longer something for you to work through together and will not be unless he decides to work on the M. And, it has nothing to do with OW. His behavior with OW simply reminds you of hurts you buried or tried to bury.
So, again, quit worrying about the R between WAH and OW.
Indeed, quit calling her OW. It seems as though H has made very clear to you that he has exited the M. That means you are no longer W, so she is not OW. She is the single W in his life as a romantic P right now. Call her his GF. It will be better for you. She remains OW only as long as you feel are, and are entitled to be, the W in WAHs life. You are not in his life as a romantic partner and love is not about entitlement.
