She took it hard and I suspect hard because she knew with all our stuff going on it was just kicking me when I was down and finally getting up and she was responsible for a lot of the down.
I admit to a blatant push too. I told her that I needed to know how serious she was about being open to or ready to reconcile. That was probably the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. But right now is the time I need the love and support of my wife, my best friend and partner. She did say she wished she could be here with me but the words were a bit hollow. She's so far away emotionally that I immediately began to wonder if she'd ever come back. (Kick number 2 for the day) So I really hit rock bottom on the phone with her this morning. The last time I felt that bad was back in Nov when I discovered she hired an atty.
She did say, let's talk when I get back. Fine whatever is my feeling. I've taken enough and now I need a bit passed back. Is she willing, something tells me no she's not willing to give anything back. That leaves me with myself and God. I told her I knew I had to dig deeper within me and look to God but it'd be nice to know I could look to her as well. She kept stressing to me to call on my friends for support which only came across as she really didn't care deep down. Maybe I read that wrong and she was trying to help me because she isn't here.
Bottom line here, I just look and say to myself, how can I carry on like this much longer? How much more crap can I allow myself to get drug through before I finally throw in the towel? Do I have it in me to dig deeper and find it in myself to do not only for me but for my children and my wife? Do I have it in me to fix me again and deal with a broken marriage too?
Key West is looking mighty good right now.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
