Quoting KAW:Seriously, J, I know you have gotten plenty of forewarning about the pressures of OR talks (myself included) , but you seem to have striked upon the right formula of when & how much ... and it has worked for you!! So long as it works, keep doing it.
Yeah, I suppose. You know how after being guarded for so long it's difficult to kind of let go and trust having a decent OR conversation again? I guess I should just keep doing what I'm doing in that regard as it doesn't seem to be a burden for my W.
Quoting Abby:What is it exactly that she is going to do to earn your love back? To me you cant quantify love. Is your love w/her unconditional or conditional?
This really isnt about her earning your love but more about you leaving the past in the past and forgiving her.
Abby, I HAVE lost some love for her. And, in a way, it is measurable. You read "Love Languages" right? I have received very few "love" credits over the years...very few. I've given so much (more than 60%) to this R for many years. Her response to that was to pay me back by having an A. This removed yet more of those credits I've received few of. I don't have these huge expectations, but I do have some expectations. I'm tired of putting all of the effort into having a mediocre R...and this is something that will have to change. I need to see "real" effort from her. I'm getting a little of this, but not enough. I'm still covering well over my appointed 50%.
Quoting Abby:She is probably afraid to put too much on the line if you are going to say it is not enough for you.
I'm afraid too, Abby. But frankly, she needs to really go out on a limb if she wants to fix this thing. Also, I don't tell her that what she's doing is not enough. I don't complain to her about what I vent about here. I do tell her, however, that it would be nice if I had more of this or that. Sometimes she complies. Problem is, there just doesn't seem to be too much of a drive to do certain things for me that would really make me happy. She's trying...but it's not enough for this R to last. I'm simply hoping that over time it will get better...so far it has...
If I see that she's really nurturing our R, I know I can forgive. Thanks for being candid, Abby. I appreciate it. You can always do that with me.
Quoting PNT:From your wife's point of view, you were sending mixed signals. As we all know..that's disorienting and confusing and feels like limbo. I bet she doesn't like feeling that way, anymore than the rest of us!
Yes, it kind of opened my eyes to the confusion I was likely propagating. Now I know I can really ask for what I feel I need and I think she'll listen attentively. Whether she does anything about it, well...that's another story...
