I'm tired. Sleeping on the couch isn't working so great. (warning; whining alert). With a knee injury like mine, it helps to lie flat on your back with the leg 'relaxed' and extended. Sleeping on a couch that is about a foot too short just doesn't let that happen. Just not getting a heck of a lot of sleep.
I was thinking about the support W is getting from her church and specifically the worship team she is part of. In all fairness, I really don't know if they would be as supportive if they knew the whole story.
Last night she came home at 3AM after going to a bar with her single/divorced friends..., after worship team practice. I still can't see how that all goes together, I really can't.
I woke up at 1AM when my youngest daughter was crying. D6 wanted her mom, it was then that I realized W wasn't home. W got home at 3AM, we had a 10 minute discussion about this, and I'm sure it will be relayed as more mental/emotional abuse by me. I kept her up all night...., again. What she leaves out is, she comes in at 3AM reeking of booze, I am foolish enough to think that if I tell her how dangerous this behavior is, she will snap out of it, so yes, she doesn't get to go right to bed, yes, I did keep her up for 10 more minutes, but at 3AM what difference does 10 minutes make? Yet, I am most certain she is not telling her support network why she is really up at 3AM. She will leave that part out, and let them know that she couldn't go to sleep because I "just had to talk". I really wish she would tell them what that "talk" was. Tell them that I let her know next time, (over a dozen next times at this point but who's counting?), call me, please don't drive. Yes, all God's people, the Evil Ogre that is me has kept her up again, once again flexing my well developed mental and emotional abuse muscles..., oh and not to mention my finally tuned control freak and manipulation skillz in order to withold sleep from her in the hopes of? Avoiding the pain and suffering of a DUI/DWI charge. Not to mention, (but I will since I'm controlling and manipulative), the danger to other drivers and my W in doing this stupid act. I was calm, I was collected. I simply said, "listen, call me, call someone, but don't drive like this, ever".
That was pretty much my entire side of the conversation.
Her response in so many words was, "I'm fine, I didn't do anything wrong. I'm not having this conversation. This is just like you to think something bad about this". I'm sorry. I thought something bad might come of DRIVING DRUNK!!! Her defense of this senseless act went on for approximately 15 minutes. During this time, I'm putting my D6 back in her bed, getting my 'bed' ready again and shutting out the lights. W was walking behind me during this time, letting me know just how "fine" she is. Yes, belligerence and the inability to shutup.., that wouldn't have anything to do with the incredibly strong smell of an alcoholic beverage? No, of course not because she is fine and did nothing wrong.
I finally said, "look, I'm just worried something bad could happen." I kissed her on her forehead and laid down. She walked upstairs to bed.
Maybe if they did hear that side of it, they wouldn't be so supportive? I don't know. I'm done with that church. I will find a safe place for me this week. I walk through those doors knowing I'm judged and condemned, I don't want to feel that way any longer.
God help me, days like this I just want to walk away. Do I really want or deserve to be with someone like this?
~TY... No you dont deserve this ,, not one minute of it! ....and yeah wouldnt it be nice if she told both sides of the story? All I can say is hang in there and take it one half hour at a time! Right now I am going on 30 minutes at a time and drinking loads of Water cause I am up to a pack a day again.... YUCK>>>> not good but I am well and know that I am a good person and you are too,,, hard to believe when she makes it seem like you are an OGRE. So sorry hon, you are still in my prayers.... ~Ali
Thank you Ali. My brother struggles with cigs, bad. He has quit for up to a year before and then something will happen and back he goes. His greatest success was with acupuncture believe it or not. I really wish he could kick it, he is a great athlete, one has to wonder how much further could he be along his journey if it wasn't for the cigs.
I'll pray for you. Lots of water and exercise will do wonders.
I discovered this Mental Diet through a Tony Robbins course my job sent me to about 8 years ago. I have dabbled with it since that time but never really gave it my all. Today I start. You aren't supposed to tell anyone that you are doing this, but here I am. LOL. I will hold myself accountable through the board and journaling here. (Big thanks to Michele and staff for this resource, someday I'll drive over to Woodstock when you are in the area and buy you a Starbucks and give you the big hug I owe all of you).
Read through, think and do. What can it hurt?
*********************************************************** The Seven Day Mental Diet How to change your life (and the world) in a week by Emmet Fox The subject of diet is one of the foremost topics of the present day in public interest. Newspapers and magazines teem with articles on the subject. The counters of the bookshops are filled with volumes unfolding the mysteries of proteins, starches, vitamins, and so forth. just now the whole world is food-conscious. Experts on the subject are saying that physically you become the thing that you eat that your whole body is really composed of the food that you have eaten in the past. What you eat today, they say, will be in your bloodstream after the lapse of so many hours, and it is your blood-stream that builds all the tissues composing your body -and there you are.
Of course, no sensible person has any quarrel with all this. It is perfectly true, as far as it goes, and the only surprising thing is that it has taken the world so long to find it out; but in this pamphlet I am going to deal with the subject of dieting at a level that is infinitely more profound and far reaching in its effects. I refer of course to mental dieting.
The most important of all factors in your life is the mental diet on which you live. It is the food which you furnish to your mind that determines the whole character of your life. It is the thoughts you allow yourself to think, the subjects that you allow your mind to dwell upon, which make you and your surroundings what they are. As they days, so shall they strength be. Everything in your life today the state of your body, whether healthy or sick, the state of your fortune, whether prosperous or impoverished, the state of your home, whether happy or the reverse, the present condition of every phase of your life in fact-is entirely conditioned by the thoughts and feelings which you have entertained in the past, by the habitual tone of your past thinking. And the condition of your life tomorrow, and next week, and next year, will be entirely conditioned by the thoughts and feelings which you choose to entertain from now onwards.
In other words, you choose your life, that is to say, you choose all the conditions of your life, when you choose the thoughts upon which you allow your mind to dwell. Thought is the real causative force in life, and there is no other. You cannot have one kind of mind and another kind of environment. This means that you cannot change your environment while leaving your mind unchanged, nor-and this is the supreme key to life and the reason for this pamphlet -can you change your mind without your environment changing too.
This then is the real key to life: if you change your mind your conditions must change too- your body must change, your daily work or other activities must change; your home must change; the color-tone of your whole life must change-for whether you be habitually happy and cheerful, or low-spirited and fearful, depends entirely on the quality of the mental food upon which you diet yourself.
Please be very clear about this. If you change your mind your conditions must change too. We are transformed by the renewing of our minds. So now you will see that your mental diet is really the most important thing in your whole life.
This may be called the Great Cosmic Law, and its truth is seen to be perfectly obvious when once it is clearly stated in this way. In fact, I do not know of any thoughtful person who denies its essential truth. The practical difficulty in applying it, however, arises from the fact that our thoughts are so close to us that it is difficult, without a little practice, to stand back as it were and look at them objectively.
Yet that is just what you must learn to do. You must train yourself to choose the subject of your thinking at any given time, and also to choose the emotional tone, or what we call the mood that colors it. Yes, you can choose your moods. Indeed, if you could not you would have no real control over your life at all. Moods habitually entertained produce the characteristic disposition of the person concerned, and it is his disposition that finally makes or mars a person's happiness.
You cannot be healthy; you cannot be happy; you cannot be prosperous; if you have a bad disposition. If you are sulky, or surly, or cynical, or depressed, or superior, or frightened half out of your wits, your life cannot possibly be worth living. Unless you are determined to cultivate a good disposition, you may as well give up all hope of getting anything worth while out of life, and it is kinder to tell you very plainly that this is the case.
If you are not determined to start in now and carefully select all day the kind of thoughts that you are going to think, you may as well give up all hope of shaping your life into the kind of thing that you want it to be, because this is the only way.
In short, if you want to make your life happy and worth while, which is what God wishes you to make it, you must begin immediately to train yourself in the habit of thought selection and thought control. This will be exceedingly difficult for the first few days, but if you persevere you will find that it will become rapidly easier, and it is actually the most interesting experiment that you could possibly make. In fact, this thought control is the most thrillingly interesting hobby that anyone could take up. You will be amazed at the interesting things that you will learn about yourself, and you will get results almost from the beginning.
Now many people knowing this truth, make sporadic efforts from time to time to control their thoughts, but the thought stream being so close) as I have pointed outs and the impacts from outside so constant and varied, they do not make very much progress. That is not the way to work. Your only chance is definitely to form a new habit of thought which will carry you through when you are preoccupied or off your guard as well as when you are consciously attending to the business. This new thought habit must be definitely acquired, and the foundation of it can be laid within a few days, and the way to do it is this: Make up your mind to devote one week solely to the task of building a new habit of thought, and during that week let everything in life be unimportant as compared with that. If you will do so, then that week will be the most significant week in your whole life. It will literally be the turning point for you. If you will do so, it is safe to say that your whole life will change for the better. In fact, nothing can possibly remain the same. This does not simply mean that you will be able to face your present difficulties in a better spirit; it means that the difficulties will go. This is the scientific way to Alter Your Life, and being in accordance with the Great Law it cannot fail. Now do you realize that by working in this way you do not have to change conditions? What happens is that you apply the Law, and then the conditions change spontaneously. You cannot change conditions directly you have often tried to do so and failed but go on the seven day mental diet and conditions must change for you.
This then is your prescription. For seven days you must not allow yourself to dwell for a single moment on any kind of negative thought. You must watch yourself for a whole week as a cat watches a mouse, and you must not under any pretense allow your mind to dwell on any thought that is not positive, constructive, optimistic, kind. This discipline will be so strenuous that you could not maintain it consciously for much more than a week, but I do not ask you to do so. A week will be enough, because by that time the habit of positive thinking will begin to be established. Some extraordinary changes for the better will have come into your life, encouraging you enormously, and then the future will take care of itself. The new way of life will be so attractive and so much easier than the old way that you will find your mentality aligning itself almost automatically.
But the seven days are going to be strenuous. I would not have you enter upon this without counting the cost. Mere physical fasting would be child's play in comparison, even if you have a very good appetite. The most exhausting form of army gymnastics, combined with thirty mile route marches, would be mild in comparison with this undertaking. But it is only for one week in your life, and it will definitely alter everything for the better. For the rest of your life here, for all eternity in fact, things will be utterly different and inconceivably better than if you had not carried through this undertaking.
Do not start it lightly. Think about it for a day or two before you begin. Then start in, and the grace of God go with you. You may start it any day in the week, and at any time in the day, first thing in the morning, or after breakfast, or after lunch, it does not matter, but once you do start you must go right through for the seven days. That is essential. The whole idea is to have seven days of-unbroken mental discipline in order to get the mind definitely bent in a new direction once and for all.
If you make a false start, or even if you go in well for two or three days and then for any reason "fall off" the diet, the thing to do is to drop the scheme altogether for several days, and then to start again afresh. There must be no jumping on and off, as it were. You remember that Rip Van Winkle in the play would take a solemn vow of teetotalism, and then promptly accept a drink from the first neighbor who offered him one, saying calmly: "I won't count this one." Well, on the seven day mental diet this sort of thing simply will not do. you must positively count every lapse, and whether you do or not, nature will. where there is a lapse you must go off the diet altogether and then start again.
Now, in order, if possible, to forestall difficulties, I will consider them in a little detail.
First of all, what do I mean by negative thinking? Well, a negative thought is any thought of failure, disappointment, or trouble; any thought of criticism, or spite, or jealousy, or condemnation of others, or self condemnation; any thought of sickness or accident; or, in short, any kind of limitation or pessimistic thinking. Any thought that is not positive and constructive in character, whether it concerns you yourself or anyone else, is a negative thought. Do not bother too much about the question of classification, however; in practice you will never have any trouble in knowing whether a given thought is positive or negative. Even if your brain tries to deceive you, your heart will whisper the truth.
Second, you must be quite clear that what this scheme calls for is that you shall not entertain, or dwell upon negative things. Note this carefully. It is not the thought that come to you that matter, but only such of them as you choose to entertain and dwell upon. It does not matter what thoughts may come to you provided you do not entertain them. It is the entertaining or dwelling upon them that matters. Of course, many negative thoughts will come to you all day long. Some of them will just drift into your mind of their own accord seemingly, and these come to you out of the race mind. Other negative thoughts will be given to you by other people, either in conversation or by their conduct, or you will hear disagreeable news perhaps by letter or telephone, or you will see crimes and disasters announced in the newspaper headings. These things, however, do not matter as long as you do not entertain them. In fact, it is these very things that provide the discipline that is going to transform you during this epoch making week. The thing to do is, directly the negative thought presents itself - turn it out. Turn away from the newspaper; turn out the thought of the unkind letter, or stupid remark, or what not. When the negative thought floats into your mind, immediately turn it out and think of something else. Best of all, think of God as explained in The Golden Key perfect analogy is furnished by the case of a man who is sitting by an open fire when a red hot cinder flies out and falls on his sleeve. If he knocks that cinder off at once, without a moment's delay to think about it, no harm is done. But if he allows it to rest on him for a single moment, under any pretense, the mischief is done, and it will be a troublesome task to repair that sleeve. So it is with a negative thought.
Now what of those negative thoughts and conditions which it is impossible to avoid at the point where you are today? What of the ordinary troubles that you will have to meet in the office or a home? The answer is, that such things will not affect your diet provided that you do not accept them, by fearing them, by believing them, by being indignant or sad about them, or by giving them any power at all. Any negative condition that duty compels you to handle will not affect your diet. Go to the office, or meet the cares at home, without allowing them to affect you. (None of these things move me) and all will be well. Suppose that you are lunching with a friend who talks negatively-Do not try to shut him up or otherwise snub him. Let him talk, but do not accept what he says, and your diet will not be affected. Suppose that on coming home you are greeted with a lot of negative conversation-do not preach a sermon, but simply do not accept it. It is your mental consent, remember, that constitutes your diet. Suppose you witness an accident or an act of injustice let us say Instead of reacting with pity or indignation, refuse to accept the appearance at its face value; do anything that you can to right matters, give it the right thought and let it go at that. You will still be on the diet.
Of course, it will be very helpful if you can take steps to avoid meeting during this week anyone who seems particularly likely to arouse the devil in you. People who get on your nerves, or rub you up the wrong way, or bore you, are better avoided while you are on the diet; but if it is not possible to avoid them, then you must take a little extra discipline that is all.
Suppose that you have a particularly trying ordeal before you next week Well, if you have enough spiritual understanding you will know how to meet that in the spiritual way; but, for our present purpose, I think I would wait and start the diet as soon as the ordeal is over. As I said before, do not take up the diet lightly, but think it over well first.
In closing, I want to tell you that people often find that the starting of this diet seems to stir up all sorts of difficulties. It seen is as though everything begins to go wrong at once. This may be disconcerting, but it is really a good sign. It means that things are moving; and is not that the very object we have in view? Suppose your whole world seems to rock on its foundations. Hold on steadily, let it rock, and when the rocking is over., the picture will have reassembled itself into something much nearer to your heart's desire.
The above point is vitally important and rather subtle. Do you not see that the very dwelling upon these difficulties is in itself a negative thought which has probably thrown you off the diet? The remedy is not, of course, to deny that your world is rocking in appearance, but to refuse to take the appearance for the reality (Judge not according to appearances but judge righteous judgment).
A closing word of caution-Do not tell anyone else that you are on the diet, or that you intend to go on it. Keep this tremendous project strictly to yourself. Remember that your soul should be the Secret Place of the Most High. When you have come through the seven days successfully, and secured your demonstration, allow a reasonable time to elapse to establish the new mentality, and then tell the story to anyone else who you think is likely to be helped by it.
And, finally, remember that nothing said or done by anyone else can possibly throw you off the diet. Only your own reaction to the other person's conduct can do that.
~Ty GENIUS! I am going to go on this diet with you,, I have been trying this past week on my own and have been falling of the Wagon. Thanks for this~ ~Ali
~Ty GENIUS! I am going to go on this diet with you,, I have been trying this past week on my own and have been falling of the Wagon. Thanks for this~ ~Ali
Way cool! We can start a support group ala Atkins, weight watchers and all. It will be great. We could have weekly mental weigh-ins, tally up how many points we have. It will be great.
Good day. It was my D6 birthday party. Two softball games earlier, D10 and D11. Overall a great time.
B-day party was fun, my mother and in-laws were here. MIL seemed overly caring, not meaning that in a bad way. Just seemed like she was trying really hard to make sure I was okay. MIL is really torn up about all of this.
Bit of a spat this morning with W. W didn't come home until 3AM Friday morning. I have to work harder on detaching from that stuff. That is her issue.
Tonight I was sitting on our bed while D6 and friends were downstairs watching a DVD. W comes in and starts getting ready for a shower. Says to me, why are you mad again? I just looked at her. So she repeats the question adding, so you're going to be nice when everyone is here, then be mad when it's just us? By now she had walked over by me, enroute to her closet.
I got up, picked her up and put her on the bed. I kissed her neck, cheeks, forehead and lips. Then said, I'm not mad, I'm trying to watch this show, why do you need me to be mad about something? Do you want me to make something up to be mad about? She just stared at me. After a few minutes of silence and staring she said, I have to pee really bad, let me go to the bathroom and I'll be right back. I let her up and my S14 called, needing a ride home from another b-day party he attended for one of his friends.
I told her I was leaving, she came out of the bathroom and I hugged her, she actually laid her head on me and let me hold her for quite some time.
I went to get S14, picked up some stuff for breakfast since we have a bunch of rugrats sleeping over. When I got back I took a shower in our bathroom and when I came out she asked if I wanted to watch a DVD with her. So I did, but she started to fall asleep, it was late and she had a hectic day. A little after midnight I noticed she was asleep so I turned it off. She woke but I told her it was cool, we can finish it tomorrow. I said goodnight and came downstairs to make my bed on the couch.
I think I could have slept in our bed but I don't want to push it. In the past I think that is a crucial mistake I made. She would start to come around more, letting her guard down. As Chuck would say, coming out from behind the wall, and I would just be so happy at any sign of progress that I would over-react. This would freak her out, she would have to remind me that this means nothing, she really isn't trying and there is no future for us..., then I would freak out, panic and backslide.
No longer. Screw that. Patience is the name, waiting is the game.
So here I am, posting real quick and then going to sleep on my big, comfy couch.=)
Physical intimacy is back. There was a week or so break. She was having some female issues. I know, TMI. All the while letting me know, when she does do this, it doesn't mean anything. Okay.
I posted this on another board that is focused on this issue, self-injury. This is where it's at. This is what I face. I will practice radical acceptance and love until it hurts. W did this before we were married, stopped after she started dating me, didn't do it at all during our marriage and then started again recently.
Agree, Be Happy, GAL and stop all pressuring behavior. All that remains the same. Read on for my new/old challenge.
I'm praying constantly. Every moment my mind isn't otherwise engaged, I'm praying.
She self-harmed, (nice way of saying cut herself), again. I found out by accident. She hid it from me for about a week, but I saw it when she was changing Friday night and confirmed it Monday when she was intimate with me.
I did a lot of research over the next few days, called every mental health pro I know.
After seeing that she is cutting again, my resolve is stronger than ever. I will stand.
I didn't confront her about the cutting. I did ask to see it fully, let her know I was worried about it. I told her that she knows all the reasons she shouldn't already, so I won't go there. I told her I was glad she shared this with me when we were first married, that I understood how hard that had to be, to tell me about that, not knowing what my reaction would be. That I wasn't mad or upset about it. I was only worried then and that is the only thought I have now.
She asked why it matters. I told her that I love her more than anyone on this earth, maybe even more than our kids, but how do you measure that, I just know I love her a lot. And if a friend that I simply cared about shared this with me, I would want to see and know as much as I could about it so I could be there for them..., therefore; how much more would I want to be there for her given how much greater my feelings are for her than simply caring.
If that makes sense.
I'm worried, yet trusting God. I prayed for God to heal her, to fill her with love, peace and joy.
That is all I can do. It's frustrating, I feel as if my hands are tied on so many fronts here. All I can do is wait and watch.
As I posted above, we had about a week or so break from any physical intimacy. Until I left and came back, we were intimate. After I came back, there was no physical contact of any kind. Thinking back now and judging by the marks, I think she probably SId, (self-injured) around that time and waited until yesterday to let me get close again. Time enough for the marks to clear up.
Except, ever since we were first together I've been hypervigilant about this. I notice everything, I don't say anything or ask, but I notice and keep an eye on it. If it appears a problem is arising, I address it in the way the psychotherapist advised.
So Friday she sends me a somewhat flirtatious text. Nothing happens over the weekend, she says she is interested but can't due to a female issue. At this point I'm reaching pro status at DBing, so I know not to make an issue about this. To see the baby steps of her wanting to, even flirting and to be thankful.
I have to wonder now though if she was really more concerned about the marks?
When I emptied the bathroom garbage the empty box was in there from the medication she used to deal with the female issue, and not to be vulgar but I do remember one night she was rushing to lie down with my D6 in our bed because she had "just used that medicine and need to lie down before it runs out".
I'm sorry if that is TMI, but I'm journaling here and working through the sequence of events.
There most likely was a real female issue happening. So sex wasn't going to happen. The other side is, she SId and if we were to have sex I would have seen it. From what I was able to see Friday, the marks were still pretty red/fresh at that point. Monday afternoon when we were together they were pinkish, sort of post-scab, if that is a word? Starting to fade, but I still knew what I was looking at.
I know it's not about me. I know this is about issues deeper than our R. This was going on long before she met me and is deeply connected to the sexual abuse she suffered.
Yet it is hard to separate everything.
Again, I will continue to not pressure, criticize, or chase, to always and happily agree, to be happy, to GAL and to be the best father I can be.
YUCK>>>> not good but I am well and know that I am a good person and you are too,,, hard to believe when she makes it seem like you are an OGRE. So sorry hon, you are still in my prayers....