Was a late night. I went out after class with friends from v-ball. There were about 6 of us (1 new person who was fun). It was a good time but I didn't get home until around 2. One of the girls actually stayed over night because she wanted to be safe and not drive. We got to talking when she was here and she started telling me about her exboyfriend. He slept with her best friend and she got 3 STDs as a result. I am still amazed at how many stupid mistakes people make and how they hurt the people they care about. Yuck yuck yuck. Still freaks me out sometimes regarding my own body, and hoping my H has told me the truth that there wasn't a physical affair, but I'll continue to get tested to make sure I am healthy and okay. Really sad that someone puts you in a position where you have to question that.
Anyway, aside from that conversation, which was good in a sense that I always appreciate when other women open up to me and trust me in that manner, the night was a blast. Laughed a ton! They invited me out dancing on Saturday night so I think I might do that.
I'm going to relax today. Go to the coffee shop and read some books. Tomorrow I'm going to another divorce class. I've gone to a few through a women's organization in town. It helps me feel more prepared should that be the road we go down. On Sunday, H and I are meeting to talk. I've been having conversations with myself regarding responses I might make to various things he could say, just to ensure that I am not 1) making You statements, 2) being true to me, 3) not telling him what he thinks, feels or should, 4) not mind reading 5) not taking it personally and making it about me and 6) just really listening and sitting back and taking it in.
I've realized this during the course of this week. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT. I used to know that I wanted to save this marriage. While I still believe in marriage and myself and my faith, I think I don't know what I want because I based wanting to save my marriage and work on it on the idea that I wanted to be with this man, liked who he was, and knew who he could be. I think I'm now adjusting that to look at who he is right now and accept that and figure out what that means. I think it means, I don't know what I want. It means, I won't know until I get to know him again, see who he is now, and if that is who he is going to remain to be.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
