Hey Jim and RJJ. Glad you stopped by. And yes, I'd have to say things seem to be improving little by little each day. Also, work has been very busy, so I haven't been able to get on the boards too easily.
However, I did have it rough on Saturday. Felt awful...was thinking about the A way too much. I ended up having an R talk with the W about it. Seems she's either listening to what I'm saying these days or reading DR because all of her responses sound like mine. A few snippets follow: J: "I sometimes don't know if I can do this." W: "Well, I understand how you would feel that way and there's really nothing I can say to change how you feel." --- J: "Why is it that you don't seem to express so much remorse over what you did? Why is it that you seem hardened and not wanting to talk about the A? You have this "move on" attitude as though you don't think it was all that significant and I should just move on with you." W: "Well, I've bottled up my feelings for a long time...and have a tough exterior because of it. However, I don't think I can do this anymore, as I had the anxiety attack the other night. I show the pain of my actions in different ways. Just because they're not they ways you expect to see doesn't mean they don't exist." (see what I mean?) --- W: "The last few days I've been feeling really good." --- W: "I saw a cute, old couple the other day waddling out to their car in a parking lot and it made me think about how we will be together when we're that age." (so, this is a good sign )
Tonight was a bit odd, as out of the blue she hit me with the "If we didn't have kids would you be here" question. I answered her pretty honestly even though it was hard. I simply said, "Probably not. You have done a lot of damage to our R, and as a result, I've lost some of my love for you. You're going to have to work to get that love back. I will say that I'm feeling better...that you're working on things, so it's really a hard question to answer." I went on to tell her I thought our R hadn't been this good in years, regardless of her indescretions, and she agreed.
So, there was quite a bit more, but I won't bore you guys with that stuff. All in all, things are moving well, but I have my moments of pain. Even today when my W was in a mood, I simply thought that if she asked me for a D today, I'd probably just go along with it without much of a fight. Detachment? I don't know, but I'm just tired and want my W to express her undying love for me so I can feel we're officially D-Busted...
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