Quoting jethro: Charcoal, like you, my W has a jounal that she writes in quite frequently. I can tell when she gets stressed because she goes back to the journal. At this point, I kind of take it as a sign to back off.
...I went out last Sunday to a Diner, took my journals, took my DB and my "He's Scared, She's Scared" books - I actually have two journals, one's for poetry, the other is for the R stuff. I sat down and wrote a poem ~ a dreadfully negative thing.... then I focused on my DB book, and my entry in the R journal was much more positive. I showed H my entry... which I'll post in my "H is Driving WAW Crazy" thread... ...Anyway, I like being able to show H some of the things I'm thinking... but still, H backing off and letting me work on me is crucial at this point in our R....
You are getting great advice and I really dont know much about this subject. I do think you need to do research to be prepared for her struggles and support her. I think C will help her get all that is bottled up out in the open. Maybe you can sell that C may help her avoid the meds.
2x4 time quit the negative thoughts behind her positive moves. The card was from the heart. Dont second guess her. You really are doing good. Abby
You are getting great advice about the anxiety thing. I just want to let you know that I am another one that has had to deal with it.
When we got married (I was 20, W was 19) and had our first child, I got very stressed out about the responsibility and wasnt handeling it well at all. I started having the anxiety attacks. Then just like everyone else has mentioned, it fed off of itself. My main fear finally was that I was going to have an anxiety attack in public and either pass out, or make a scene. I was deathly affraid of it and it controlled my life. I couldnt go to the movies, go out to eat, or go anywhere that I might embarass me or my family by having an attack. It is a horrible feeling.
I tried meds, but like RJJ said, it took a long time to figure out what worked and what didnt. In the meantime I was getting info from my MIL about the subject and started using some techniques similar to what everyone else has mentioned. I think that it actually helped more than the meds. The thing the meds did was help me to relax. Knowing that I wouldnt have attacks in public. I could have been given sugar pills and it probably would have done the same thing. It was my mind.
I do have a history of anxiety/depression that runs in my family though, and some people believe that it can be a chemical imbalance that causes it. I am not real sure, but I think it is a possibility that could be part of it. Might think about that with your W too, if she has a history of it in her family. Just a thought.
I know exactly how you feel about the sex thing. I often felt let down after a very romantic evening. I guess it is because physical affection is my love language. Not sure if I can be of any help with this subject. I just try to put it on the back burner for now in my sitch. Its very hard to deal with though.
Oh, BTW, along with telling W that it will be ok and reassuring her of that, also let her know that you are there for her. That anytime she needs to talk or be distracted, that you are there to help her through it. Its a comfort thing and it helps a ton. I was only comfortable around my W at that time, and it helped to know she was around for me.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
Quote: You know, I do the exact same thing. If I don't get some sort of physical attention from my W, then I feel distant from her. And, after sex, I usually feel pretty good about things. (why is it that I'm talking about sex so much lately on my posts?) It does seem like your H is trying a little harder in this department?
I wonder sometimes if I am in the wrong skin...men seem to need the physical contact to feel close...and that is the way I feel...women seem to need the emotional connection to feel close and feel it spoiled when it leads to physical contact that is sexual...me when the emotional doesn't lead to physical I tend to feel a bit resentful...and start to wonder who's who in this r... perhaps even though our r's are not sex starved (though sometimes I feel it is) we should read michelles new book..she even sent me an autographed copy!! I just don't feel like being the one to do all the re-search and work while h just takes it one day at a time and does what comes naturally. (or doesn't for that matter )
Charcoal, Abby, and Floyd, thanks for coming by and paying a visit.
Quoting Floyd:I do have a history of anxiety/depression that runs in my family though, and some people believe that it can be a chemical imbalance that causes it. I am not real sure, but I think it is a possibility that could be part of it. Might think about that with your W too, if she has a history of it in her family. Just a thought.
Well, I don't think there's any history. I simply think that it's a result of her stress over this entire mess. It's been building up for a long time now and needs an exit. I just have to try and help her through it. She hasn't really had an episode since that one night...although the following day there were a few close calls. Yesterday was good. She also seems pretty good herself...chipper and such. I just hope she's dealing with the demons and not pushing them further away. My W loves "fun" distractions.
Quoting LL:I wonder sometimes if I am in the wrong skin...men seem to need the physical contact to feel close...and that is the way I feel...women seem to need the emotional connection to feel close and feel it spoiled when it leads to physical contact that is sexual...me when the emotional doesn't lead to physical I tend to feel a bit resentful...and start to wonder who's who in this r... perhaps even though our r's are not sex starved (though sometimes I feel it is) we should read michelles new book.
Have you always felt this way...or just since the problems really cropped up with you two? I think for us, LL, is that we have been last on the list of getting attention from our Ses for so long that we long for any kind of connection, physical or otherwise. I imagine that over time, as things continue to move in a postive direction, that your H will become more physically attentive to your needs while simultaneously, you won't "need" it as much anymore. This is kind of what's happening with me right now.
In terms of the Sex Starved Marriage, I don't know that it really fits my sitch. I have a thriving libido, so I have to keep it under control so as to not tick my W off. I have to say, she's pretty good about that kind of thing, so I have to balance my needs with hers. She does let me "win" pretty often, though. Lately, I haven't felt these "needs" so much, and I think it's because she's meeting my needs in other ways. Again, LL, I simply think that over time, as your H meets your other needs, this will diminish.
Nothing much going on lately. Just some normal Jethro days that most of us long for so much. The mundane doesn't seem quite so mundane anymore, does it?
Hey Jim and RJJ. Glad you stopped by. And yes, I'd have to say things seem to be improving little by little each day. Also, work has been very busy, so I haven't been able to get on the boards too easily.
However, I did have it rough on Saturday. Felt awful...was thinking about the A way too much. I ended up having an R talk with the W about it. Seems she's either listening to what I'm saying these days or reading DR because all of her responses sound like mine. A few snippets follow: J: "I sometimes don't know if I can do this." W: "Well, I understand how you would feel that way and there's really nothing I can say to change how you feel." --- J: "Why is it that you don't seem to express so much remorse over what you did? Why is it that you seem hardened and not wanting to talk about the A? You have this "move on" attitude as though you don't think it was all that significant and I should just move on with you." W: "Well, I've bottled up my feelings for a long time...and have a tough exterior because of it. However, I don't think I can do this anymore, as I had the anxiety attack the other night. I show the pain of my actions in different ways. Just because they're not they ways you expect to see doesn't mean they don't exist." (see what I mean?) --- W: "The last few days I've been feeling really good." --- W: "I saw a cute, old couple the other day waddling out to their car in a parking lot and it made me think about how we will be together when we're that age." (so, this is a good sign )
Tonight was a bit odd, as out of the blue she hit me with the "If we didn't have kids would you be here" question. I answered her pretty honestly even though it was hard. I simply said, "Probably not. You have done a lot of damage to our R, and as a result, I've lost some of my love for you. You're going to have to work to get that love back. I will say that I'm feeling better...that you're working on things, so it's really a hard question to answer." I went on to tell her I thought our R hadn't been this good in years, regardless of her indescretions, and she agreed.
So, there was quite a bit more, but I won't bore you guys with that stuff. All in all, things are moving well, but I have my moments of pain. Even today when my W was in a mood, I simply thought that if she asked me for a D today, I'd probably just go along with it without much of a fight. Detachment? I don't know, but I'm just tired and want my W to express her undying love for me so I can feel we're officially D-Busted...
Quoting jethro: I don't know, but I'm just tired and want my W to express her undying love for me so I can feel we're officially D-Busted...
Jet, I know what you mean ... I'm still waiting, too. Actually, I'm beginning to believe that unconsciously we are anticipating some grand gesture from our S that will give us closure to our nightmare and that this expectation will go unfilled because the closure needs to come from within. Also, DBing is an ongoing process for as long as you want a better, happier M. To that end, there should will never be any closure to DBing and in that I find myself caught of a Catch-22, in that my conscious effort to continue the positive is a constant reminder of how and why I got here in the first place. Sorry, I'm in a bit of a rough patch as it was one year ago this week that she annouced "A" & "D" in the same night.
This past weekend, my W made a rare reference to last year. I just received a cell phone and as we were getting ready to go out shopping, I grabbed it. She asked, why I was taking it. I answered, in case we get seperated, we could call each other. She retorted, "We won't get seperated. I thought that is what you fought so hard for last year?" with a smirk. I just stood there dumbfounded for what seem like forever. I just didn't have a response for that, eventually we gave each other a hug. Also, this week, she gave me an "ILY" and followed it with "I don't say that as often as I should.", but it didn't seem to help much on a emotional level, but an intellectual level, it is comforting to know the effort is being made.
Ooops, sorry to ramble on your thread, but you have made remarkable process in such a short period of time. That's something to hang your hat on.
Quote: I'm in a bit of a rough patch as it was one year ago this week that she annouced "A" & "D" in the same night.
Sorry you're hitting a rough patch.
Quote: Ooops, sorry to ramble on your thread, but you have made remarkable process in such a short period of time.
Don't apologize for rambling. I enjoy the insights from reading the parallels in other sitches. Are we forever going to remain overly conscious about what "might" happen again in our situations? Will this "pressure" to DB ever diminish you think? I'm simply hoping it will become second nature and that I won't directly focus on it so much anymore.
In terms of making progress in a short amount of time, I don't really think I have. I mean, in terms of when I started DBing I've made relatively quick progress; however, I've been at it since 10/01. And like I said, I'm just tired. I feel like coasting a little and letting my W pick up the slack a bit. However, I've always felt like I've carried our R a bit more than her. For many years I've felt this...giving and giving...and not receiving so much in return. My thanks for doing this was her having an A. It might be negative, KAW, but like I said, I'm just tired...
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Lately, I haven't felt these "needs" so much, and I think it's because she's meeting my needs in other ways. Again, LL, I simply think that over time, as your H meets your other needs, this will diminish.
