LOL BFM. At first I was beyond hurt, I couldn't even go to work that day, and now, I laugh. After I saw her pic, I was like OMG, are you kidding me? She has no ill will towards me? ofcourse not, I would run circles around her pathetic ass.
Oh boy, poor whores.
“Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.”
Everyone said H was the control freak....so why he would put up with it, i dont know....but she has him on a short leash for sure.. His friends and family seem to have accepted it, so nothing there. She parades her fat a$$ around town like a queen bee living with her trophy H. But you would think in the back of their mind if they cheated on their wife????? They are predators these OW, but horribly insecure.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
If H didn't hang around and chat when he had a friend waiting for him outside in the car or outside some restaurant to have lunch, my guess is that would not seem weird to you, rather simply polite to the person waiting. So, his actions may have nothing to do with OW being controlling of him.
I say this because H's XW seems to think I am controlling of him. H avoids pretty much all communication with her whenever possible. This is because H wants to avoid communication with her because she is pretty toxic. But, she thinks this is all about me. She has said on a number of occassions, something like, "What is your problem? Why doesn't Oldtimer allow you to talk to me?" This is really just crazy. It is fine with me if H talks to XW. XW would like H's avoiding her to be about me, but it really isn't. It is about the R between XW and H. H would probably have zero contact with her if (grown) kids weren't involved.
My point is that H's XW seems to explain his distance from her to herself as a function of me being controlling. However, it is a function of H wanting nothing to do with her.
Was I an OW? I would say not. H and I had both been separated and living apart from our spouses for about a year when we met, I was working on filing for D, he had filed for D already a year before and moved several states away from his W. We were both comletely emotionally D and close to legally D.
But I have no idea how H's XW perceives me. LBSs tend to call an X's GF or STBX's GF an OW until the LBS feels emotionally D. I don't know that H's XW is at that point even yet. So, she may count me as an OW, who knows.
H was not a WAH, btw, he tried for probably 15 years to get the abusive XW to go to MC, and made clear to her that he wanted out of the M for several years. I'm not sure if this would affect her perceptions of me or not.
I guess my question is really, why do they put up with it?
OT - I see your point about when someone is waiting, and I wouldn't expect him to stay for 10 minutes. But she is seldom in the car; usually, he is just going back to her place. Is it really necessary to yell good-bye at me (if that) over his shoulder? And again, he only does this when she's expecting him, so it's not like I'm toxic or anything. And again, he does things he NEVER would have done when we were together - like taking the kids to a killer amusement park (one of those roving ones that he always said were really unsafe) because she wants to. It's just weird.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Lol, Nicola, I'm sure you aren't toxic. H's XW really is (though it took me a long time to believe it). She would never be able to look at herself the way people do here.
"I guess my question is really, why do they put up with it?"
OK, but you are still assuming H's actions are due to OW being controlling. It comforts you in some way to think that. But, you actually have no idea if that is the case unless H has told you that OW is very controlling or you have seen/heard OW "make" H limit his contact with you. You would like his changes to be due to her being controlling, but maybe they are just his changes that have nothing to with her. Maybe he thought the ride was fine because the kids are older and he always thought you were overprotective, but went along with you to keep the peace. Who knows?
Really, my point is that there is too much explaining away a WAH's behavior by putting it on OWs. WAHs make their own choices for their own reasons. Your H may leave quickly when he is on his way to see OW (how do you know he is, BTW?) because he feels uncomfortable talking to you when he knows that his involvement with OW hurts you and he is on his way to do something that will hurt you. WHO KNOWS. But, obsessing about it and making OWs into evil, controlling b*tches to avoid confronting the truth about the WAH and the state of the M really is not helpful. I am not suggesting that you are doing it. Really. My comments are meant much more generally about something I see happening all too often.The problems between the LBS and the WAS are in the R between THEM. Truly. Making it about an OP feels better, but it is hugely counterproductive.
That being said, I agree that many GFs of WAHs are terribly insecure. XH came to visit me a couple of times for various reasons, and his GF called him, literally, like every 10 minutes. It was crazy. I am not sure why she was so insecure. I don't know what she knew about the circumstances when she started to see him (like we were still in MC). But, insecure she was. Did she feel threatened by me? WHO KNOWS? Maybe she didn't trust him in general. Maybe when she met him he was also seeing other women from the dating site he where he found her. Maybe he lied to her about stuff. WHO KNOWS?
It doesn't really matter. What an OW does or does not do is not going to determine whether a LTM in trouble is restored or not.
None of the constant wondering about the OW, her supposed power over an LBS, her motives, what she knows or doesn't know, and so on matters one bit. Because, the OW truly is not a member of the R that is in trouble, an R between WAH and LBW.
Ack, no, you aren't toxic either. I expect that there are very few people who post anywhere on these boards who are. (I would say no people, but I can think of one old poster falling into that category.)
The point is there are all kinds of reasons coming from within a WAH and from the problems between the WAH and LBS to explain that behavior. Unless there is clear proof (like phone calls every 10 minutes, or a screaming banshee leaping from a car after being delayed for 30 seconds), there is no reason to think the behavior is because an OW is being controlling. Seriously. The pressure to get away from an LBS in some contexts and not others can be generated entirely within the WAH because of his own guilt. I can make up a story for pretty much any sitch that does not require an OW to be an overcontrolling b*tch.
So, why do they put up with it?
(1) Maybe they don't. Maybe OW is not controlling at all, maybe it just helps you to think she is.
(2) If the OW is controlling, they put up with it because they want to for their own reasons. Maybe the OW is controlling because the WAH lied to her and the WAH puts up with it to try to build trust with her. Maybe the WAH puts up with it because he feels worthless. Maybe the WAH puts up with it because he is using her for sex. WHO CARES?
Heck, the WAH and OW could even agree to pretend that she is controlling so that the LBW will project her anger on the OW rather than the WAH. That is, they could do that to manage the LBW.
Again, the point is, you have no idea what is going on in the R between WAH and OW, nor can you, nor does it matter.
