1. It's normal for you to be in a tailspin. Depression, Post-traumatic stress and actue anxiety are common when you discover and affair. Do not make decisions while still in this state. Even with strong drugs, it will take you about 3-6 months to stabilze. It took me 4 months. It's normal. It will take you this amount of time whether you stay with your husband or not. I did it without drugs. The feelings follow a cycle of sorts: fear, anxiety, anger, denial, bargaining. Be prepared.
2. DO NOT make any decisions about your marriage while you are in this state.
3. You need to stop the pain. However, the reason people have affairs and leave their marriages is because they want to "stop the pain." The only way out of this is through it. Lean into the pain. Don't run away.
4. I implore you. Start excercizing regularly if you have not already done so before. The body produces endorphins when you exercize. It's nature's anti-depressant.
5. I implore you. Take up a physical hobby that consumes your attention. Open up your telephone directory and find a karate school and start taking classes. Trust me on this one. The first and easiest form of self-mastery/self-control is physical. Stop living in your mind. Live in and through your body for a while. Karate is a physical/mental/spiritual discipline. It will strengthen all parts of you. Control of your body is a step towards controlling your renegade thoughts.
6. Stop and take stock. Your husband had ended it with the OW. Logically, your anxiety should stop. Things are not deteriorating. Your worst fears (the destruction of your marriage and family) will not happen.
7. Running away/leaving him, will push him towards the OW. It will prove to both of them you are the frightened, shrinking, violet that deserves to be abused. I'm sorry, but this often the case. This woman is ruthless and wants to take your children from you. Are you going to hand them to her?
8. Think of your children. They need you. You need to take care of yourself RIGHT NOW, for their sake as well as yours. I don't think running away will help.
9. If you need time to yourself. Take a long weekend, or arrange for a week's vacation to sort out your thoughts. Don't spend it brooding on the OW or you'll come back worse. Take a wildnerness/walking vacation. Isn't the Lake District lovely for a walking vacation?
10. Do not speak to or confront the OW. It never helps. It shows your fear and desperation. The OM in my wife's life was by best friend. I spoke to him 3 times about this when it was only an "emotional affair." Do you know what? He lied to me and assured me he would never puruse a romantic relationship with my wife. He then became my wife's lover for 8 months. He could smell the fear in me. The fear feeds their sense of power over you. Ruthless people absorb our fear as it it were an elxir -- it strengthens their resolve to harm you. It NEVER helps to talk to the OW. The only time you speak to her is if she approaches you to ask for your forgiveness.
