UNBELIEVABLE~

[Jen_Jam]

Ali - size 8-12 is 10-14 in the UK. You've said bodywise you're more of a Jennifer Lopez. I am SO ENVIOUS of your figure - I would KILL to have curves. I am overweight right now (at 5'7" and 214lbs, but I did quit smoking 4 weeks ago and I do a lot of weight training which means I have a lot of muscle, but still I'm chubby) BUT I have been slim - US size 8-10 and guess what? When I was slim I had NO CURVES at all. I needed padded bras and pants I'd love to have a figure like yours.

I've seen your picture too and looks wise you have NO WORRIES!!! I see a pretty, smiling girl with excellent bone structure.

So - onto what this is REALLY about. No mincing of words here. Recently you've been telling H his drinking is a problem and saying "this needs to change". Now, I agree with you on this. BUT - your way of persuading him is pushing. He probably feels got at and defensive so he's striking back. This shows you've hit him where it hurts and he doesn't like it so he's trying to hit you back where it hurts. it's all a silly circle which you can break - 180 time. How about next time you call you sound upbeat, happy, don't complain about anything, and see what happens? If H starts on you how about saying "yes, you're right". And leave it there. it's very hard to argue with someone who refuses to disagree with you.

I have another story for you .. bear with me while I track it down ...
it's a bit long but here goes

Love Doesn’t Mean You Have to Be a Doormat

It’s not what you call me but what I answer to.
—African proverb

What others say to us, or about us, usually offers some seed for our growth. Their actions or reactions, even those that are hurtful, may awaken us to something in our own behavior that we have refused to see, perhaps something we do that hurts them. While you can always search for the golden nugget embedded in even the most uncomfortable situations or harsh words, remember that not everything directed at you is about you. Sometimes others’ actions reveal more about what is going on in their life than in yours. We can help others through their troubles, and we can honor what they do and say, but not at the expense of honoring ourselves.

A story from the life of the Buddha illustrates that important principle, one that is often left out of Sunday school and spiritual anthologies: being loving or spiritual does not mean you have to be someone’s doormat. “I wonder if it’s really true what I’m hearing—that the Buddha will still love those who abuse him and always return good for evil. I don’t believe it,” the skeptical man thought to himself. “I shall set out and see.” Once he arrived at the place where Gautama Buddha was staying, the man walked up to the renowned teacher and began his attack, spewing his harsh criticism and abuse while the Buddha listened. When his accuser finally stopped, the Buddha asked him a simple question.

“If a man declined to accept a present offered to him, to whom would it belong?” asked the Buddha.

“It would, of course, belong to the person who offered the gift,” the man replied.

“My son,” said the Buddha, “you have railed at me, but I decline to accept your abuse and ask you to keep it yourself. As the echo belongs to the sound, and the shadow to the substance, so misery will overtake the evil-doer without fail.” He went on to explain that “the wicked person who reproaches a virtuous one is like one who looks up and spits at heaven; the spittle soils not the heavens but comes back and defiles his own person.” The man realized how foolish he had been. He went away ashamed and later returned to learn more of the Buddha’s teachings and join his community.

Had the Buddha believed what his attacker was saying, he might have begun to doubt himself. He might have given this man permission to define his real worth. Had the Buddha become outraged, he might have lashed out at his attacker, infuriating the man further and escalating the conflict. In so doing, the Buddha would have lost his loving center, his perspective and his ability to see the truth. Instead, Gautama took the opportunity to stand up for himself, go into his heart and deliver with love the truth this man needed to hear.

This story holds more than one lesson for us. It shows that loving-kindness does not require us to be wishy-washy or passive. It also illustrates that even when we are drawing the line, we can do it in a way that is kind and loving as well as frank and firm. How we do something is often as important as what we do. Gautama didn’t take the bait and accuse his accuser of being a horrible person, yet he did make it clear that he would not accept abuse. By not accepting the man’s criticism or taking his words personally, the insults just didn’t stick. The Buddha got out of the way so the man could see himself as he really was.

Honoring ourselves and others in that way gives us tremendous power because it comes from the heart. By firmly, honestly and lovingly drawing the line, by choosing not to accept someone’s worst behavior, we not only honor ourselves, but we also uphold the best and the highest in that person. As the Buddha put it, “If a man foolishly does me wrong, I will return to him the protection of my ungrudging love.” Shakespeare put it another way, just as powerfully: “This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” Honesty delivered with love is one of the best gifts we can give—not only to others but to ourselves.